posted on November 29, 2001 05:24:37 PM new
"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said,
'I don't know, let's find out.'"
-- Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news
for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S.
promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the
Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."
-- Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush continues to have the highest popularity rating of any
president ever, current rating 130 percent... In fact, Al Gore carries in
his wallet a picture of him and Bush at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I
know him. We used to hang out.'"
-- Jay Leno
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war on
terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three
months?"
-- Jay Leno
"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office another
three months. And today Clinton said, 'You can do that?'"
-- Jay Leno
"Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To improve
their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani."
-- Conan O'Brien
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's
be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
leave a little extra time."
-- Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you
were an intern."
-- David Letterman
"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the
Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing
anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
-- Jay Leno
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this
town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next -- a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a
box."
-- Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden
has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave
every night."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking
high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time
Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID."
-- David Letterman
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have
to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium,
instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling,
'Others are better than you!'"
-- Conan O'Brien
posted on December 3, 2001 08:30:05 PM new
roadsmith- Some very funny stuff, but if you consider Don Imus late night TV then you are the one who stays up the latest!
