posted on November 16, 2005 05:30:05 PM new
So we have the non traditional single parent family and the non traditional no kids family. What's next, a family with two gay parents raising children? What is this world coming to?
Destiny’s child-free
By Maegan Carberry
RedEye
Published November 16, 2005
Emily Connolly and her husband hadn't even cut the cake at their wedding reception before friends and family started asking: When are the babies coming?
"Um, they're not," Connolly wanted to say.
Instead she deflected the questions and wondered for about the millionth time why people assume that all couples want kids.
Connolly, a 24-year-old Wicker Park retail saleswoman, and her husband, Jimmy, have no plans to have children. And don't even think about telling Connolly that she'll change her mind.
"Babies have just never interested me," she says. "My husband and I didn't get married to have children. We got married for us."
Connolly's attitude is becoming more common, says Linda Rubinowitz, a psychology professor at Northwestern University's Family Institute.
"People feel like they do have a choice, although for other generations it didn't seem like that," Rubinowitz said, noting that throughout American history traditional values have reinforced the idea that having children after getting married is a requirement.
"The natural path was: Go to school, get married, have children, have grandchildren, retire," she says.
In recent years, though, about one-fifth of U.S. women reach the end of their childbearing years--40 to 44--without having kids, says Martin O'Connell of the Census Bureau. That's about twice as many as in the '70s and '80s, he says.
The reasons couples choose to not have kids vary, Rubinowitz says:
>> They think raising a child will be too expensive.
>> They don't want to sacrifice their careers to be parents.
>> Many adults deciding whether or not to have kids are products of divorced households, which makes them reluctant to re-create their parents' mistakes.
There may be more people opting out of parenthood, but the choice is still questioned by those who have a more traditional view of family life.
"For some folks, it seems like it's not the natural course of events," Rubinowitz says. "When you deviate from what seems to be the traditional path, people question it."
Jennifer Shawne understands the backlash. The child-free, 32-year-old author of "Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life Without Kids" has been told by some that she is un-American because she doesn't want to be a mom, she says.
"There is this assumption that all women have a biological clock that one day is going to start ringing, and we're going to become baby maniacs who have to give birth no matter what," Shawne says. "But that's just not true."
While doing research for her book, Shawne says she talked to many people who see kids and feel "absolutely nothing." A lot of young women today, she says, are realizing that the feminist ideal that you can have it all--kids and a successful career--is not feasible.
The choice to forgo parenthood provides many opportunities to enrich and fulfill yourself in other ways, Shawne says.
"You could pursue your dreams," she says. "Instead of sending a kid to college, send yourself to grad school. Instead of changing diapers, change the planet. I volunteer at a school and help disadvantaged kids. When a disaster happens I can send money, because I don't have to pay for day care.
"It's not to say that people who have kids don't have a fulfilling life, but it's just two different things," she says.
Being child-free is not about hating kids and their parents, even though that is a common misperception, says Rachel Pildis, 39, of Oak Park.
Pildis has been a member of the Chicago chapter of an international child-free network called No Kidding! since 1999, and she says plenty of people without kids enjoy being around children, such as nieces, nephews or friends' children. They're just happy to send the kids home with their parents at the end of the day, she says.
Pildis joined No Kidding! because she and her husband wanted to meet other child-free people who shared their lifestyle and didn't want to spend time "talking about their toddlers or diapers."
The club has about 200 members, and their activities include book clubs, hikes and dinners.
"It's really an organization where adults can get together and have adult conversations," Pildis says.
Pildis does not regret her choice to be child-free.
"You could also regret having kids," she says. "Who's in a worse position?"
Connolly says that she's not going to regret her choice to be child-free and that she's sick of people telling her she's too young to be certain.
"I just don't think of my life in terms of ever having children," she says. "I have two children right now: my two boxers. My dogs will be my children. That's how it's always gonna be."
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
---------------------------------- The duty of a patriot in this time and place is to ask questions, to demand answers, to understand where our nation is headed and why. If the answers you get do not suit you, or if they frighten you, or if they anger you, it is your duty as a patriot to dissent. Freedom does not begin with blind acceptance and with a flag. Freedom begins when you say 'No.'
posted on November 16, 2005 06:22:50 PM new
What happens when you have kids, that eventually they grow up, get married, and then turn you into a grandmother when your not ready for it at all
posted on November 16, 2005 07:12:26 PM new
Doesn't this simply even out the average for those hillbilly knuckle-dragging couples with 14 kids in a mobile home?
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Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum sonatur.
posted on November 17, 2005 02:13:38 AM new
Being one of those women who never had children, never wanted children and don't have children.. I appreciate the chance to have a choice!
You see I come from one of those knuckledraggin hillbilly families and I can borrow a kid anytime I want. Why on earth would I want to grow my own???
When I married 4 years ago, I did however inherit 3 grown children with pre-teen grandchild. I'm so glad I waited! All the fun with none of the diapers, lol.
posted on November 17, 2005 08:28:11 PM newDoesn't this simply even out the average for those hillbilly knuckle-dragging couples with 14 kids in a mobile home?
That was what I was thinking.
Being one of those women who never had children, never wanted children and don't have children.. I appreciate the chance to have a choice!
You better watch what you say. Some religious conservative fanatics may start a crusade demanding every married couple to conceive a child or at least notify your spouse that you want to conceive a child. After all it is the woman in the relationship who has to endure nine months of torture.
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
---------------------------------- The duty of a patriot in this time and place is to ask questions, to demand answers, to understand where our nation is headed and why. If the answers you get do not suit you, or if they frighten you, or if they anger you, it is your duty as a patriot to dissent. Freedom does not begin with blind acceptance and with a flag. Freedom begins when you say 'No.'
What is this world coming to?
