posted on February 27, 2006 08:54:16 PM new
When I was on vacation I did a little traveling and one fine day I found myself stuck in a traffic jam.
I was sitting there in my car for about an hour when all of a sudden a guy walked up and told me that the cause of the traffic jam was because a group of terrorists up ahead had stopped traffic and were holding Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Ted Kennedy hostage and that if they weren't paid $1 million dollars they were going to set them on fire.
He told me that he was walking through the traffic jam, taking donations and I asked him about how much was everyone contributing to the cause and he said, oh about a gallon each.
After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack a week.
Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45.00 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
posted on February 27, 2006 09:37:17 PM new
Redneck Driving:
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers , threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
posted on February 28, 2006 09:20:57 AM new
60's woman vs. Today's woman
60's Woman - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."
Today's Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Today's Woman's motto: "I made
it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Today! 's Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Today's Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with
your feet up anyway.
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.
Today's Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to
worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the inside of the cake.
Today's Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the
son-of-a-#*!@ for you.
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Today's Woman - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over #*!@, so I don't do it.
************************** ************************** *
60's Woman - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
Today's Woman - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.
************************** ************************** *
And finally the most important tip....
60's Woman - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
posted on March 2, 2006 10:55:50 AM new
Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering:
posted on March 2, 2006 11:01:31 AM new
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat
jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been canceled.
Have a Good Day !!!!!!!!!!
posted on March 2, 2006 03:00:36 PM new
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But
do you really know the difference between these two words? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ..
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or were you thinking of flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:
"You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
posted on March 3, 2006 08:04:58 AM new
The Hit Man...
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The #*!@!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
posted on March 3, 2006 01:31:49 PM new
A bar installs a new robotic bartender. A guy walks in for a drink and
the robot asks him, "What's your IQ?" The guy says "150" so the robot
proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, chemistry and
so on.
The guy listens to this and thinks to himself hey this is really cool.
So he decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around and
comes in for another drink. The robot asks him again, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says "100" so the robot starts talking about football, baseball, etc.
Well the guy thinks wow, this is amazing. So he goes out again and comes back in a 3rd time.
And the robot asks him again, "What's your IQ?"
So this time the guy says "50." And this
time the robot says, "So, you voted for Kerry."
posted on March 18, 2006 06:17:50 AM new
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a! year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
posted on March 18, 2006 09:46:50 AM new
Good one Ron,
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for ! several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will
apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
