posted on March 3, 2001 04:35:10 PM
It appears that I am the weak one of the group. Yesterday I found an almost empty pack of cigarettes in the bedroom. I have no idea why I didn't trash them immediately. (yes I do) Long story short, last night I lit one up only took about 3 or 4 drags of it and put it out. I STILL didn't trash the pack. I was so depressed last night that I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up and crying. I tried brushing my teeth, deep breathing and re-reading these posts. This morning I finished the pack (6 cigarettes). I know we said no shame, but we never talked of guilt. I now do not own a pack of cigarettes. There is a HUGE storm headed my way so it will be very difficult to get a new pack. I intend to just reset my quit meter to March 3rd 11:00 am.
Sorry to let the group down. I'm back on the wagon and going forward from here.
posted on March 3, 2001 05:13:07 PMBootsnana Please don't be so hard on yourself. The first day I was supposed to be quitting (March 1) I found a pack with one left in it. I smoked part of it and threw it out. But, if there had been 6 in the pack I can tell you I'd have smoked part of 6! Any one of us would have a very hard time throwing out a cig... so I don't think that makes you weak - it just makes you like the rest of us. Today we went to a wedding and it was ALL I COULD DO to keep from asking a friend for a cigarette (you know just one won't hurt) Baaaaahhh! As for the crying part... you wouldn't believe how much I cried yesterday morning. That's why I didn't want to leave the house. My eyes were a fright to look at - puffed up - awful. I was so angry with myself because I didn't know if I could make it... I cry when I'm mad.
This is unbelievably hard stuff we're going through. The tobacco industry made sure that it wouldn't be easy. They went to great lengths to make sure that the only way that we could get off of cigarettes was to really, really suffer. Even with the help of the hypnosis (which I strongly recommend) I still find myself trying to justify having "one more." It's hard to walk away. The hypnosis and counseling helped... but the desire is still there. And, I'm so stubborn about thinking.. just one more drag and I'll be o.k. Every smoker in the world can relate to that feeling.
One of the things that the hypnotist told me was that I needed to stop thinking that "If I could only have a cigarette then these withdrawal feelings would stop." She said that instead, I should tell myself that the truth is "If I never have a cigarette again then I'll never have to experience this kind of withdrawal again." That helped me. Hang in there everyone - this is too important!
Rocker Maybe you can put "I'm The Bossa Me" to music and get rich with it!
posted on March 3, 2001 05:48:17 PM
All your smoke are belong to us.
Boots, I got in the car this morning to go to the store and stock up, and hubby had left a pack in there. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I was half done-talk about a habit. Totally automatic.
posted on March 3, 2001 07:21:35 PM
Hang in there folks - Most of the junk in your systems should be about finished about now. I think Rocker likely had a website that would tell about how long it takes for the nicotine and stuff to get out of the body.
Then your body has to re-adjust the biochemistry to account that you no longer have the artifical chemical stimulantion going on.
It has been pointed out before - but I'll say it again. Remember that the tobacco companies know how hard this is and how awful the process can be. They count on it so that you will be theirs for life. An unwilling cog in their machine - chained to the machine.
(Think "The Matrix"
Your body is doing awful things to you right now - but never forget that it is the tobacco companies that are causing this misery as well. Its their fault that this is so hard.
posted on March 3, 2001 07:30:53 PM
oh chepi dang that is rough, so sorry to hear that, sending you a cyber hug for THAT.
boots, snowy, chepi, you're so right that the cigarette manufacturers have made it extremely difficult physically for you to quit. The doses are just the right amount to continue your ADDICTION. Addiction is a disease with relapses, hey it happens.
the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other going forward. It's not a test of strength it's about going forward and continuing with making a new smoke-free life.
Smoking doesn't make the withdrawal pain stop it just postpones it until you need the next one. Only quitting and not picking up the next cigarette will get you free of the cycle.
posted on March 3, 2001 08:09:02 PM
enchanted: I did go for a walk yesterday when the craving got BAD, and indulged myself at the bookstore with the money I've saved. It did help. Fed my mind and not PM's pockets!
posted on March 3, 2001 08:21:26 PM
I'll bet that felt good snowy
I just caught up reading this thread and want to send some prayers nettak's and yadda's way, was reading your sad stories, it can be overwhelming. Can't let myself get into feeling sad tonight.
posted on March 3, 2001 09:34:26 PM I'm sorry guys
I did it too. Eight thirty tonight I came in here and read our posts over and over - and would you believe ran right outside and smoked ANYWAY. Sigh.
Chepi - I am sorry about your break up honey - that is a tough one. But I hope it is for the best for you. I was triggered tonight by the EX and I just went right into smoke mode. Couldn't take the anger and discomfort of the cravings anymore. I said "F&*% IT" and LIT UP.
Bootsnana - BULL - you are not "the weak one" - this is a worse habit than heroin. This is the hardest thing I've ever ever tried to kick. Guys I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know.
I'm sorry
Rocker
[ edited by nycrocker on Mar 3, 2001 09:38 PM ]
posted on March 3, 2001 09:42:01 PM
Thank you enchanted
Can I hold your hand AND bite your neck??
Your words are so supportive and nice. But I feel so lousy, like I wanna give up. Like I am not WILLING. If only I could have really sincere willingness to quit. I don't.
posted on March 3, 2001 09:46:03 PM
Dang - I like the fact that you're honest!
Honesty is way important in beating any addiction, i don't even need to tell you that.
I sense you have the "desire" to quit but your addiction is telling you you're not "willing" enough because you weren't perfect.
Do you see how it could be the addiction talking in your brain?
It's a pretty big stretch from realizing you cheated/relapsed to saying you can't do it at all. You might not feel like doing it right now, but that's ok. You don't always have to FEEL like it ya know?
posted on March 3, 2001 09:52:14 PM
Enchanted, I'm sure you're right, it is my addiction talking.
And yes I was smoking 20 cigs a day a few weeks ago, and tonight I had three. Once I lit up, I just lit up again and again, as if I were defying someone! But who? Myself?? This addiction stuff is so tricky. I feel so miserable.
posted on March 3, 2001 09:55:12 PM
well my browser shut down, sorry, so I didn't get to finish the first post
seriously what's the worst thing if you relapsed and smoked, the worst thing is not smoking, no way! What's a few cigarettes compared to how much you were smoking before? You were already smoking before LOL.
Nope, to me the worst of any relapse is you start feeling like you disappointed your own self 'cause you weren't perfect. Like how dare you be human ???
then if you get down on yourself your addiction starts to win because you're so busy beating yourself up you give up
for me emotional stress, anger and work stress are the biggest triggers I have for smoking. It's taken me over a year to get to the point where I can be in an argument or stressful situation and not smoke afterward. It is possible but it just didn't happen for me right away.
I didn't learn how to ride a bike perfectly the first time I tried it when i was a kid, I had to keep getting on the bike and keep trying to do it
posted on March 3, 2001 10:05:21 PM
Wow! There is real drama in this thread. I became so engrossed in reading your posts that I didn't notice my toddler was coloring on my new, white T-Shirt. That's coming out of his inheritance.
My heart goes out to all of you. I can only imagine how hard it is. I'd go postal if I had to give up my serious Chalupa addiction. I'm thinking of accepting Taco Bell gift certificates as payment for my auctions. It's getting out of control.
I never took up smoking because as a teenager I worked in the tobacco fields in N.C. ($1.00 an hour back in the good ole days.) I saw what goes into that stuff. It ain't pretty.
I think as a gesture of solidarity, I should give up Chalupas. My goodness, I'm starting to sweat already just typing this. Is it anxiety, or has the baby set fire to the house.....again?
Seriously, though, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I encourage you to stay the course. Or, if you start up again, I encourage you to QUIT AGAIN. It took my husband 3 tries, but he has been smoke-free for 5 years now. He's still a jerk, though. Is there a patch for that?
posted on March 3, 2001 10:16:11 PM
Hello Everyone,
I am not staying around for long today. I just want to wish everyone well.
Please Boots, Rocker, and Chepi, do not give up on yourselves, like Enchanted said so well earlier, you are smoking a lot less than you were a week or two ago. That in itself is a big step forward.
Mybid, I am very proud of you. When I read that post about nearly asking your friend for a smoke, I laughed cause that could have been me. LOL
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} for you all, but special {{{{HUGS}}}} go to Chepi, I hope you feel a bit better hon, you deserve it.
I had a really bad day today myself and I just want to cry. We went to see my MIL and she is going downhill fast. It is so hard to see this. The worst part is that she also has that death smell about her. I don't know if any of you know what I mean, but it is awful.
Anyway I am not the best of company tonight so I will talk to you later.
Keep going gang, we are with you all the way, if you fall we will pick you up.
posted on March 3, 2001 10:24:14 PM
{{nettak}} yes I know what you mean and it is so tough. Please, please take care of yourself and be good to yourself this weekend, it is very hard on the whole family, so emotionally draining. Get some rest and I wish I could send you some serenity.
posted on March 3, 2001 10:49:30 PM
First let me say THANKS to enchanted for your kind words. It really meant a lot!
I smoke clove cigarettes. I dont know how many of you know what those are....but usually you can only buy them at cigar shops and they are fairly expensive. I started smoking those to get off menthols. The other day I took every pack I had...opened and unopened and broke all of the cigarettes in half and flushed them ALL down the toilet. That absolutely KILLED me! But I knew if I had them lying around I would definitely smoke them. And because of the fact that I cant go to any gas station or store to get these particular cigarettes...it just makes it more difficult for me to get them.
Today SUCKED!!! It really did. I cant go out to dinner....or go out with my friends right now because everything I do will make the urge too strong for me. THIS SUCKS!!
Someone mentioned a website about quitting......can anyone give it to me?
THANKS FOR LISTENING! And believe me...I am right there with all of you! If I had a nasty old cigarette butt lying in an ash tray right now I would probably smoke it.
And to think I started smoking when I was 15 because I thought it was cool! And to think those execs at the tobacco companies pockets are totally lined with our money and they can sleep at night.
posted on March 4, 2001 01:02:06 AM
Here are some links you guys. I'm sorry I don't remember how to make clickable links in here. I have that info written down somewhere.... well, you can cut and paste these for now.
posted on March 4, 2001 01:08:24 AM
I will try again tomorrow.... I hope. Ugh, I don't know, I really have no faith in myself tonight. I am so down and not feeling very hopeful. This too shall pass... I think?
Nettak I am thinking of you, that is very hard, I know.
Chepi I hope you're okay. I suspect we should hook up your & my EX and let 'em drive each other nuts. Then you marry me. Then all will be happily ever after. The end.
posted on March 4, 2001 01:10:06 AM
MichelleG - If I had just one ounce of energy tonight, I would jump up on your lap and lick your face. You rule.
Rocker
posted on March 4, 2001 01:37:16 AM
OH by the way - that last link, the long weird looking one, THAT is where ya go to download the way cool Quit Meter.
Do we have to reset our quit meters? I still didn't buy any cigs. Like Boots, I had some left and of course I had not parted with them. But it really didn't matter if I had them in the house or not, cos believe me once I get it in my head to smoke, the 2 blocks to the all night deli would NOT deter me in the slightest anyway.
You guys, I didn't tell you this before, but this is probably at least my tenth or maybe even fifteenth time trying to quit. I lost count. As some of you know, I gave up alcohol and drugs 15 years ago (which really was a piece of cake, I swear, that was REALLY easy for me), I have broken up with people I was still in love with who I felt were not healthy for me, which took TONS of will power... so why can't I apply it to this??? I really hope I can start all over fresh tomorrow. Tonight sucked all the way around.
Rocker
[ edited by nycrocker on Mar 4, 2001 01:39 AM ]
posted on March 4, 2001 05:14:03 AM
I refuse to give up. I am going to continue this thing. Thanks all for your encouragement. As of now I have 21 hrs. and 14 mins. (but who's counting?)
posted on March 4, 2001 06:10:10 AMNettak I'm so sorry to see that your MIL is in such bad shape. I remember the end time with my MIL and my heart really goes out to you. It's so kind of you to try to be here for all of us when you're going through so much yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you... you're so sweet.
Hey fellow quitters - please don't feel bad about slipping. Anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking understands how easily that can happen. I've done it a million times. The trick is to get back on course. That'll be something you have to decide if the time is right for.
I've "quit" so many times before but I've never had this kind of support to fall back on and keep me going before. I think the hypnosis is really helping me a lot. I feel kinda guilty - like I got a cheat sheet and you guys didn't. Last night I went to bed early and listened to the tape four times in a row. I woke up in the middle of the night coughing my fool head off with a raw throat - I knew that my lungs were trying to clean themselves so it gave me a little more determination to stay the course. This morning I woke up feeling even stronger. For the first time since quitting I let myself have a cup of coffee (usually a trigger to light up). A small part of me is thinking about how great a cig would be with my coffee... but that part isn't winning because I know if I ignore those thoughts long enough they'll go away.
I'm trying to think of what is specifically making the difference for me this time so that I can share it with you guys and maybe it'll help you hang on. One of the things that the hypnotherapist said was for me to spend time every day remembering the person that I was before I started to smoke. In other words, to really re-visit the moments in my life as a non-smoker and to remember how that felt. Since I started at 13 and have a rotten memory that was pretty hard to do. So, I've centered on revisiting one particular period of time with a particular childhood friend and have been surprised to find that reliving that has seemed to help me recapture myself as a non-smoker. On the surface that may not sound very helpful but if you spend about twenty minutes a day re-acquainting yourself with a time in your life that you were a non-smoker it does help.
I guess more than anything the time has to be right. No one else can tell you when to quit. And, you can't give up just because you slipped up. For me, this all came together at the right time and I think I may actually make it this time. No one that knows me is any more surprised than I am. But, I guess a part of the quitting is that you have to keep on quitting enough times until it finally sticks.
Good luck today everyone... and as Nutspec says... BEH!
Any one of us would have a very hard time throwing out a cig... so I don't think that makes you weak - it just makes you like the rest of us. Today we went to a wedding and it was ALL I COULD DO to keep from asking a friend for a cigarette (you know just one won't hurt) Baaaaahhh! As for the crying part... you wouldn't believe how much I cried yesterday morning. That's why I didn't want to leave the house. My eyes were a fright to look at - puffed up - awful. I was so angry with myself because I didn't know if I could make it... I cry when I'm mad.
