posted on May 3, 2001 12:39:51 PM new
Last year I lost my dad "by accident" at the hospital (long story). I'm very angry about the way he died, (he was only 61) but am trying my best to get over it all. It's been about a year, and I find I can't look at his pictures yet, or think about the incident without crying my eyes out.
Because I've lost all of my relatives now, I don't have someone close to confide in, so what I'd like to know is, do you think I'm depressed, or is this normal behavior?
The ONLY thing that's my saving grace is my sense of humour. Sometimes you have to laugh at the things that hurt most just so you can get through.
Have you lost someone that close to you? How long did it take before you could get on with your life?
This isn't meant to be a sympathy thread.....I'd just like to hear how other people have managed.
posted on May 3, 2001 01:02:18 PM new
Look up in the Yellow Pages for counciling groups that deal with death and the loss of loved ones. It will not be easy, but would give you more relief than to simply sit there and keep internalizing it unresolved.
posted on May 3, 2001 01:05:00 PM new
What you are feeling is very normal. It will take how ever long you need...there is no set number of months or years for mourning. Both of my parents died within 3 months of each other...my mom not yet 60 and my dad just turned 63. Mother died of stomach cancer and dad of CJD. In the time between their deaths, I had my 4th child. Needless, to say this was a very stressful time for me. But, I put on a brave face and began stuffing my feelings...I felt with 4 small children, I didn't have time to grieve. That was a big mistake. If you feel sad, go ahead and feel sad. If you need to shed those tears, then do it. It has been 23 years since they died and I still miss them. I will always miss them. I still can cry looking at their pictures, but I treasure them and the little things that remind me of them. One of the saddest parts of having your parents die, is a large part of your childhood has died. There is no one left to remember that part of your life with you or to pass those memories on to your children. As trite as the saying is...time will make things better.
Be angry, be mad, be sad....but direct those feelings at the right target...don't aim them back at yourself. Be constructive with your feelings and your depression will pass. For what it is worth, regardles of your age and the parents age, losing a parent is very hard and very sad. I'm sorry for your loss, but give yourself all the time you need to grieve.
posted on May 3, 2001 01:11:26 PM new
This topic has set me to weeping and I won't be able to help you too much, except to say I have sought counciling and it did help in the case of one loss. In the other two instances I have finally after 14 years gotten to where I only cry once in a while...the loss of family is sooo hard to bear. You truly might find that because you carry the loss and a deep seated anger at the cause (I am guessing) that you need help to sort that part of it out so that you can get on with the healing. My very best to you in your efforts to stabilize your feelings.
Based on your posts and your sense of humor and understanding, your
Dad certainly did a magnificent job raising you. He must have been
a very fine person. I would try to think that he is still living as
a part of you and what you can do for others.
In my opinion, counselors are a crock. You can handle it better than
they can.
posted on May 3, 2001 02:15:34 PM new
A grief counselor can probably help you with your anger if you wanted to talk to someone. I'm considering that option right now.
Ten years ago three of my cats died in a six month span - two of old age related diseases and one of cancer. I grieved for them but managed to move on. About five years later all my remaining uncles and my aunt died and I had to put my remaining cat and dog to sleep (these animals had required extensive care). I've remained angry about the last deaths and haven't finished the grieving process - if indeed we ever do. Now I'm facing the fact that if an experimental procedure doesn't work for my father, he will probably die shortly. I don't see how I can bypass discussing this with a counselor this time. Somtimes you have to do this for your own good.
[ edited by saabsister on May 3, 2001 02:24 PM ]
posted on May 3, 2001 02:28:39 PM new
Kraftdinner, if you would like to email me at aol I would like to give you a little more background on when I think counseling can help. More than I would want to go into on an open forum.
[ edited by zilvy on May 3, 2001 02:56 PM ]
posted on May 3, 2001 02:34:43 PM new
First, let me say I feel for your loss, and what you are dealing with. Not to try to top your grief with my situation, but to try to help you find comfort in your loss.
My father and I were never close, and the last six years of his life we didn't speak to each other. He died in a hospital, and I didn't know of his death until he was already buried. Why that happened, me not being notified, is to long to tell. But it had nothing to do with our situation, it just made the loss worse.
I found out last year, from a distant relative, why my father was such a hard man to live with. He had divorced another woman prior to marrying my Mom. He never got over that love of his first wife, who had left him. After my brother and I were born, she wanted him back. But he stayed married to my Mom because of his sons, he didn't want to lose us. He lead a life of grieving for his first wife's love. That's why he was hardened, not because he didn't love me and my brother.
What I am telling you here is this. Find comfort in knowing he could share his love with you, and loved you very much, and you him. Be grateful you had that connection, and could share that love together. Think of him, and what you shared, and find comfort in that you had that time together. I would give ten years of my life to spend ten minutes with my Dad. And tell him I now understand.
posted on May 3, 2001 02:36:26 PM new
It could help for you to speak to a grief counselor. Just be very cautious about who you choose. I worked at a psychiatric institute years ago and I can tell you there are some completely worthless counselors.
But, there are also a lot that are nothing short of miracle workers.
If you find relief in "talking" your problems out, then I would recommend a counselor. But, if you're the type that finds solace in writing... then a journal may help as well or better. It may help if you force yourself to address the source of the anger. It's not uncommon to be angry with the person who passed on. You may be angry with the doctor or other caretaker. It's likely, IMO that either talking it out or writing it out will help you move through the process. I'm not sure that it's really possible to ever stop grieving as much as reaching some level of peace or acceptance of your loss that allows you to feel alive again... and, that's sometimes a tough one.
Everyone truly does move at a different pace when it comes to grieving - don't be hard on yourself or try to put a deadline on your grief.
posted on May 3, 2001 02:58:56 PM new
HJW, it is too personal for me to talk of on an open forum and will only be shared IF kraftdinner wants to or needs to talk about it via email...no slight intended, just fact.
I'd respectfully like to suggest that you not be so quick to take offense...it is my right and had there been a more subtle way of reaching Kraftdinner I would have done it.
Enough said.
posted on May 3, 2001 03:12:13 PM new
Hjw, I agree with what mybidness said about counselors - some are good and some aren't so good. I think it's important to find one that you click with - and that may not be the first person seen or even the second.
When I was in an auto accident, the most important thing that my physician said to me was that I would likely suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That helped me to know what to anticipate - so I wasn't blindsided by some of the symptoms (though I had been nearly blindsided by a taxi). I think that knowledge of the steps most people go through in dealing with grief and perhaps how to face the troublesome aspects of it is where counseling helps.
posted on May 3, 2001 03:14:20 PM new
Many times my mom would tell me that she had this medical problem or that medical problem, and that she had tried everything and nothing worked. I would then advise her to see a doctor, and she would reply "What can the doctor do?" Well, I don't know. If I knew, then I would be the doctor. There are many things that doctors (or in this case, counselors) can do that we don't know about because we're NOT doctors and we're NOT counselors. I think Kraft's situation warrants a visit to a professional to see if there is something (maybe even medication) that can be done to help.
posted on May 3, 2001 03:40:43 PM new
I would like to reinforce that this thread is not about various personalities...it was opened by a nice individual who was looking for some help, solace and perhaps a little guidance. Please let us stay with the topic.
Thank you.
posted on May 3, 2001 03:43:04 PM new
{{{{kraftdinner}}}} - I think the greaving over the loss of your father is very normal. It takes different people different amounts of time for the pain of that loss to lessen.
Since you share you have anger over the cause of his death I would recommend you talk with someone about it. A friend, your family doctor, a minister (if you have one) or as suggested find a group for dealing with death, dying and loss or even an anger management class. I'd ask a doctor for a good recommendation though. It's okay to feel anger, anger is normal too. But it would, IMO, be better to work it out now (learn a positive way to let it out) than to let it fester and cause you more pain.
When I lost my mother I thought I handled the loss as well as could be expected. I had two younger sisters still in their early teens who needed me and two very young sons of my own that did also. But years later I found I still couldn't talk about her, think about her or see a picture of her without crying and becoming very depressed. I talked to my family doctor about it. He said I had posponed my mouring do deal with what had to be dealt with at the time. So he gave me 'permission' to do so .... all those years later.
posted on May 3, 2001 03:47:46 PM new
I agree that a good, qualified counselor or therapist (and I would suggest finding someone with a Ph.D., if possible) can really help you through the rough spots in life. It's a shame that in this day and age some people still attach a stigma to seeking counseling, like it's a weakness, or a crock, or you must be really screwed up if you go for it. Ironically I find that those who decry it are often those who could really benefit from it. Maybe they speak from fear or a stubborn refusal to believe anything could possibly be wrong with them. Maybe they had a bad experience with a counselor (and it happens, but hey you can have a bad experience with a medical doctor too). But no one should let another person's hang-ups stop them from trying to get help for themselves.
posted on May 3, 2001 04:03:27 PM new
Krafty...I know your point isnt' a sympathy thread, but I MUST give you a HUGE HUG {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
and my email address ([email protected]) so you can always have someone to confide in!!! (if you want it, of course)....
Now, to your question on how others managed....My father passed away when I was 10 (33 years ago), of course I was a child so at first I blamed myself (had a fit when he didn't get me ice cream several days before he died), then I went thru a "dad's on a secret mission" phase where everytime I heard a car pull by my house I ran to the window, to see if it was him....I cried for years, & to this day still do, especially at my most troubled times....BUT, I strongly believe in my heart that those who have gone before us, are still with us in spirit....Sometimes when I can't figure out a problem, I'll "talk" to him, right out loud, and sometimes I see a resolution & believe that he helped me reach it....I know that the many wonderful things in my life, were guided by his hand...and for that I am thankful....
Grief is a very personal thing & each person handles it differently....If you feel comfortable with a counselor, go for it!!...If you feel a support group of others is your thing, find one....If you would prefer not to share you feelings with others, perhaps a book on the grief process (well, maybe a couple of books, different opinions, ya know!) might help you define your feelings....Those choices are as personal as the greiving process.....
I do wish that no matter what you do, you think about the life that you did have with your father....Some experiences that you enjoyed, some time that you shared...Remember the love, the happiness, the man who helped to make you the person that you are....Don't let the pain overshadow the good feelings.....Break out a picture, hold it close to you & cry good & cry long, til ya can't cry anymore...Then allow yourself to remember
posted on May 3, 2001 04:20:45 PM new
{{{kraftdinner}}}
please take care of yourself while you're going through this grieving process. Each person handles grief in their own and in their own time. To me counselors can be helpful because they can help you understand the five different stages of grief that most people go through, and also they can be a neutral outside person that can help you gain some perspective on your feelings.
I think Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief, don't trust my memory please, but I think they are shock, disbelief or denial, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance. She wrote some good books.
posted on May 3, 2001 04:34:11 PM newKraftdinner --
I know it's probably the sappiest cliche anywhere, but I think it's true...time heals all wounds. My mother died in 1995 of ovarian cancer...she never told any of her four children how sick she was and died alone. For a long time, I focused on just that...the neighbor finding her body. I wallowed in guilt. Finally I had to let it go and accept that she had made that decision to die alone herself, and there was nothing I could do. So I started focusing on all the good things about my mom...and I never went back to the bad feelings.
posted on May 3, 2001 05:07:28 PM new
Spazmodeous,
I did have an experience with a teen aged
daughter addicted to every drug known to man.
And, I took her to several psychiatrists who
could not help. They would sit with their
hands in a praying position and say, "How do
you feel about that", over and over at a
rate of 350.00 for 40 minutes, twice a week.
I had this experience with not just one
psychiatrist but several. My daughter finally killed herself. That is why I have
no confidence in counselors (who have even less experience and training than psychiatrists).
So, You need to get some facts together in
the future before you summarily dismiss my
opinion and in addition on another thread
accuse me of something that I am not.
I hope sincerely, that you will consider more
carefully what you say to me. Try to consider the possibility that you could possibly be wrong.
posted on May 3, 2001 05:26:21 PM new
When my dad died, I was devastated. He was everything to me, and here it is, 33 years later and I still grieve for him sometimes. Its normal to miss those you love. It isnt as bad as it was in the first few years and has mellowed. But I still grieve for him. I think you should either talk to a grief counselor, or email someone here that offered assistance just as someone to share what your feeling.
Whatever you do, dont think you are alone. If you need more than one shoulder or ear, many of us here will oblige, Im sure.
posted on May 3, 2001 05:32:45 PM new{{{Helen}}} I am SO sorry about your daughter. Having nearly lost my own daughter a few years ago and experiencing extreme pain at the potential loss I can only distantly imagine the pain and loss you must feel. Not to diminish any other loss, but to me the worst pain would be to lose your own child.
Now I can understand more why you said what you did about counselors or psychiatrists, and no, not every one is good at what they do, and not even the good ones can reach every patient in every situation sufficiently to help them. It's not always an exact science, and besides not every person they meet with wants help, or has walls up against help. Some people can be helped most of the time if they want help and they find the right person to help them.
I don't discourage people from seeking help from a counselor or psychiatrist but just to choose wisely if possible. I've met some incredibly skilled and helpful people and on the other hand... some not.
Maybe I'm biased towards the benefits of treatment programs, rehabs and 12 step programs, but I would hope the doctor in question would have at least tried to refer your daughter to specific treatment for her addiction not just the therapy sessions.
