Not that I'm incapable of guarding your secrets, it's that I just don't want to know them.
I've got something to tell you, but can you keep it a secret?"
I always enjoy the surprised look on a person's face when I tell them no. I tell them that not only will I spread around every personal detail that they tell me, but I may publish a flyer about it and distribute it at their kid's school or their church.
When I was growing up, I wanted to be an honorable and automatically trusted individual. I naively thought that if I could become known as a person who could keep a confidence, I'd have lots of friends and great opportunities would arise to lift me to greatness. Instead, I ended up with the refuge (refuse?) of humanity loading down on me every piece of emotional crap that they could and the great opportunities turned out to be a "sucker" sign on my chest. After all, who needs to pay those fees to a trained psychologist when you can unload in private to someone else you trust for free?
I got grew tired of the mountains of horror stories and trials and terrors. I got tired of trying to sort out what I could tell others and what I couldn't. I finally decided to just not talk about anyone to someone else who wasn't there (I still do this). But it got to be such a burden that I withdrew like a hermit and enjoyed my solitude.
Then, I came to a conclusion: my life is hard enough as it is, just like yours is - I don't need your tales of woe, your personal secrets. If you don't trust me - that's your problem, but you know where I stand on the issue. I just will not take a confidence anymore.
Guess what? For the past six years that I've had this philosophy, I stopped being loaded down upon by friends and family. My personal relationship that I'm in is the best ever, because she knows I'll be happy to spill the beans to anyone that cares to listen. I can finally be trusted AND at the same time be at peace!
My suggestion: don't take any confidences in your life and you'll live long and happy!
posted on May 13, 2001 07:25:51 PM new
I'd be out of a job and have the securities commission breathing down my neck if I wasn't in the habit of keeping confidences.
posted on May 13, 2001 08:05:06 PM new
Being too callous or selfish to listen to family and friends in need of your help, especially if the dilemma is of such a serious nature that it requires your confidence, hardly seems like something worthy of bragging about.
posted on May 13, 2001 08:15:53 PM new
As stockticker just indicated, being able to keep information amd sources
confidential is vital to some jobs. Personally, I have no problem
keeping information confidential either.
I prefer to be above board and straightforward but I would never devulge
anyone's private confidences made to me unless the information might involve a danger to other people.
posted on May 13, 2001 08:28:09 PM newBeing too callous or selfish to listen to family and friends in need of your help, especially if the dilemma is of such a serious nature that it requires your confidence, hardly seems like something worthy of bragging about.
yep. What Spaz said. I rely on the true friends and family that I have in my life that I can talk to openly and honestly, and in a trusting manner, and I'm proud that they feel the same way about me. There's a closeness that results from trust, honesty and respect that I want in my life and relationships.
posted on May 13, 2001 09:12:48 PM new
I don't have a problem with keeping a secret, and never telling a soul, when I am asked by an indidvidual.
What does bother me is when a third party comes to me and says, "I want to tell you a secret, but, you must promise not to tell" and it turns out to be the same secret I am already keeping.
How many people are being asked to keep the same secret, and if person "A" tells the same secret to 6 people how will they know which one betrayed them when the secret is out?
I have never let on that I knew the secret even when I am told it again by the third party.
[ edited by zilvy on May 13, 2001 09:13 PM ]
posted on May 13, 2001 09:24:37 PM new
Hi, NearTheSea! It's always nice to talk to you.
Let me relate how things were for me before and after my profound change of phylosophy.
Before, you could tell me anything, and it would never go a step further. I learned such things and heard such things that gives me personla nightmares even to this day -- I won't repeat them here, as I do not wish to change the topic of this thread.
It was stressfull. Yes, it was great to be trusted with a secret. But it wore on me. I cared, as I still do, you know? I haven't changed much in that department. But I finally realized that it was killing me. Oh, not the little secrets, you know, "The Heart Holds secrets not worth the telling" -- that sort of thing. But the other stuff -- too much.
I realized that I am only human. I am not special, just alive. I have no God-given reason to be here except to stay alive as long as I can. I also figured out that I no longer wanted to carry the weight of other's burdens.
I remember six years ago at our large family gathering. I made an announcement to them all: family, relatives, in-laws, friends. I told them that I would no longer honor any secrets; that telling me a secret was like announcing it on the radio, printing it in the gossip magazines at the newsstands. Most of them didn't believe me.
At first, I got the usual "can you keep a secret?" I answered that I could not. The desperate ones first told me the secret, then said, "Oh, by the way, that's a secret -- ok?" To which I said: Nope! I immediately went around and spread the word, told everyone who could possibly be interested. After a couple of times about that, people began to leave me alone!
Now, I no longer hear any horrible things -- that's what they pay professionals for. Everyone who knows me knows here I stand and I am closer than ever with them, because they know I don't want to know. I told my girlfriend when I met her that whatever happened to her in her life I was not in the least curious or interested about and that I would not think twice about repeating anything personal that she told me to anyone else. We get along great: I never pry into her past life and she doesn't tell me about any of it -- our relationship starts from the day that we met.
Let OTHERS bear the burden! Let professionals listen to the tales of horror -- that's what they get paid for! I am not put on this earth to unburden anyone. I am here to carry my load of sins, to make recompense for my transgressions as I can, and to burden no one further (except Republican Voters, who KNEW what sort of a government that they were voting into office!). I am a burden to no one and no one burdens me.
Believe me when I say that my personal love life and relationship is the best I've ever had. It's not perfect, but we have never argued once, fought once, yelled at the other once. My family is the same way: I get into no trouble because I refuse to become a part of it.
Maybe what you are saying is that you don't want to be burdened
with other people's problems and that keeping track of your own problems is all that you can handle. Am I understanding you correctly?
I also decided that it was ridiculous for me to live up to anyone's expectations.
I can not control anyone else. I can only control myself. It is a monumental task to simply control myself. Therefore, how can I control someone else if I am not perfect in controlling myself? Yet, you see, people do it all the time or at least they try to do it. Isn't that an absurdity? Is that not even insane?
I decided that living up to anyone else's expectation was limiting my freedom. More than that, I knew that I was not put on this earth to live up to anyone's expectations -- I was not only incapable of living up to anyone else's expectations, but it was silly to live up to what someone else wanted me to be. You see, I want me to be what I want me to be. Makes sense? Who else could do such a thing, if not I?
I announced to everyone that I would no longer live up to anyone's expectations, as I could not control what their expectations were, let alone see any sense in participating in such a futile action to begin with. I set high goals and standards that I expect only for myself to follow and I am my only critic when I fail to live up to them. By not having others involved, I do not need to worry about them feeling badly about me.
The result?
Now people wish to know what my self-goals and self-standards are. I tell them that this is the only thing that I will live up to and if that is not good enough for them, then there's the door! Simply put: I am happy and everyone who knows me admires me fo rmy high standards and where I stand. In fact, because I no longer have the un-surety of where other people imagine that I should stand, I stand much taller and straighter than before. People also enjoy my not placing any expectations upon them. Am I not grown-up in this world?
posted on May 13, 2001 11:37:12 PM newHjw: "Maybe what you are saying is that you don't want to be burdened with other people's problems and that keeping track of your own problems is all that you can handle. Am I understanding you correctly?"
Thank you, Helen, for asking me such a sensible question. No , I will hear your burdens -- I am your friend, I am your love, I am the person who really cares about you.
But, at the same time, I will not be locked into silence, to have to sift through what can be discussed and what can not. Surely, the matter of what gets told to me is the courage of the teller: for I make no promises of confidence, no blanket of security. If it's big enough to tell me, then you may as well tell it to the world.
What it does is it leaves me out of all of the intrigue in my family. Helen, ralize that I can not reach into a person's past and make it right - I can't!
Therefore, what good does it do to pass it on to me? It does lots of good! The teller unloads their burden on me. I turn around and unload it on others, who continue that story until it means nothing to the last person line.
Have I not kept faith with you by doing this?
edited for sp.
[ edited by Borillar on May 13, 2001 11:42 PM ]
posted on May 14, 2001 02:09:14 AM new
I guess I have to seperate confidencial things into two categories.
The gossip that should not be told anyway, and matters that honestly require confidenciality.
If someone close to me has a real problem and thinks enough of me to want my honest advice I can't say I am less than honored they think I will be of more help than others.
That is not something that happens every week or even every month, but I do have it happen occasionally. I have had people ask my advice beccause someone was offering them an investment opportunity and they wanted my opinion about it's soundness. A young man wanted my opinion what to do because he was engaged and had contracted a sexually transmitted disease and both families were very strict about religion. I had a young girl ask me if I thought the young fellow who wanted to marry her would treat her well.
These kind of things can't be spoken about with complete openness without causing a big uproar. If that is because of human frailty and shortcomings well - yes - people have faults and shortcomings like pride and not wanting to be humiliated.
If you are frail yourself emotionally and can not help a friend because you are being overwhelmed - then I can understand what you are saying. But you don't sound like you are burdened - you just sound exasperated.
Perhaps you have friends and relatives who dump trivial things on you needlessly. It is hard to know because you are very general about what these problems are they tell you. But the expression family "intrigues" would make me think that. It seems like if they were REALLY serious problems you would no trouble at all remembering what you could say or not because it would not be a minor matter - it would be someone's marraige breaking up or going to jail.
I have known a couple people who want to tell you every little hiccup in their life and they are constantly doing such stupid things that I consider them professional victims. Their life is one continuing cosmic adventure. I not only won't keep giving them advice they won't use I stop socializing with them at all. That IS possible. You just say NO when they want you to do something or visit. Say it 30 times if need be. You sound like you learned that one already.
posted on May 14, 2001 05:05:37 AM new
Holidays have a tendency to bring these
burdensome issues to the fore, with loving families getting together. LoL
