There are some who'd rather not hear of secrets, or deal with them of their own choice. Regardless of what you've said in the past, things may have changed. Even last night, they could have changed again, who knows. It doesn't matter. As humans, we are always changing. None of us remain constant an unchanged by daily occurrences in our lives, or things we've encountered, whether in the past or present.
You have apparently found a way to deal with life as you see fit, and that is your choice, not anyone else's. You find it easier to avoid the burdens of someone's confidence in you. Regardless of the topic, considered important or trivial. What you choose to deal with, is what is best for you, even though it may not be best for others. No two humans are alike, and one choice does not fit all.
In my way of dealing with life, I have to listen, as the burden of turning deaf ears is to great for me to deal with. I could not find peace in myself that way. I can't turn away a person who looks at me with hurt in their eyes, I just can't. I know I will then take on part of their burden, but the opposite is much worse, for me. Some people will only confide in those they feel comfortable with. Even though some get paid well to listen, they are strangers to those wanting to confide in someone. I accept that burden, to relieve from them, what they need to release. If I can help them, I will. Especially more so now, because of an incident I brought up before, where I lacked giving enough time.
There is no set 'right or wrong' here. It is up to each individual to find peace within themselves the best way they can. For you to listen is a burden on you, and by so being, does not help the person confiding in you. They may feel worse for having told you, in the long run. It's best you do what you know is best, for you, and those attempting to burden you will be better off too, going to someone else. Concerning the person you spoke of in your personal relationship. You may want to reconsider that limitation with her, if that appears to be causing you, or her, a problem.
As far as you not trying to live up to others expectations, I admire that in you. I feel you are wise to realize that. If living up to others expectations was important to you, it would be foolish to be on here, as that is an impossibility. Being yourself is the only way to be, and will give you satisfaction. Do what's best for you, as more than likely, it will also be best for others who come in contact with you, as a result.
posted on May 14, 2001 09:07:37 AM new
Am I reading things wrong? It sounds to me like Borillar used to be an emotional doormat for his friends and family, which he used to allow. Now that he's decided NOT to be a doormat any longer, and he's changed for the better, plus his relationships with these people are better, he feels better. I don't get how that's bad?
Again, I say good for YOU Borillar!!
spelling
[ edited by kraftdinner on May 14, 2001 09:10 AM ]
Actually, Helen, you should know that a secret known to more than one person is a secret no longer! So why pretend otherwise? In many cultures, once you tell anyone a secret they feel no obligation to keep confident about it. Such brutal honesty is lacking from our culture, don't you think?
Besides, Helen: don'tcha like my phylosophical side?
posted on May 14, 2001 12:01:54 PM new
OK, who are you really and what have you done with the REAL Borillar...the question was asked before but the "Secret" was never revealed. You are like Scanjoon toying with our collective emotions...all except HJW and she fully understands you! Now that is scary.
posted on May 14, 2001 01:30:44 PM newmint4u: sorry I didn't se your post earlier.
You grok mostly what I have said. However, there is an erroneous impression that I am cold and will not be "burdened" with other people's problems. That's not the case.
What I have said and am saying now, is that I refuse to keep anything said to me confidential. Period.
I have lots of people talk to me about their problems, but when they ask if what they are about to tell me, can I please keep it a secret, I tell them no.
Simple as that.
The "burden" I dislike is not being bombarded with other's occasional problems or need for advice. It is the requirement that I should be required to not reveal anything told to me. That way, if it really is making the person burst at the seams, they'll tell me all about it anyway and without the obligation to keep it silent to boot. If not, that's what professional psychologists are for.
Tell me, anyone: if a person that I know has a toothache and comes to me about it, should I be required to give them a root canal? If someone comes to me with blocked arteries, am I so obligated by blood, friendship, or culture to try to give them bypass surgery? So then, if a person has major emotional problems and a past that won't go away, why do you feel that I somehow am betraying that person by refusing to listen to them in confidence? I'm not a dentist, I'm not a doctor, and I'm sure as hell not a qualified and trained psychologist! But there some go and rail at me for how terrible I'm being by realizing this simple, basic truth ...
Accept NO Secrets, NO confidences! You'll sleep better at night, have less stress, and be loads happier -- I guarantee it!
Yes, I understand that concept. Since this idea just occured to me,
I am trying to consider the advantage of a well written message versus the use of a sappy looking "CYA smilie."
posted on May 14, 2001 05:00:28 PM new
Sappy is in the eye of the beholder, depends on the PC monitor reflection. Looks okay on mine. Just a few here have seen the elusive "sappy".
Sorry Borillar, didn't mean to go off topic. Blame it on the hemorrhoids.
posted on May 15, 2001 12:05:52 AM new
This thread's just a litmus test to see if anyone is really intersted in digging deep into phylosophy. I'm waiting to see if anyone is going to caryy this thinking (and objectiing) further, 'cause it goes waaayy deeper. However, too many folks dislike threads with a depth greater than a teaspoon. We'll see.
posted on May 15, 2001 01:35:01 AM new"'cause it goes waaayy deeper"
It would have to go deeper, I guess, because it could hardly be more shallow.
So far all that's presented is a not very unique self protective mechanism and those are not new ground at all. To take from the old saw: "Self protective mechanisms are like a**h***s--everyone's got one.
borillar although I disagree with you it's not my job to convince you of that fact and explain why.
I dislike tests especially on a chatboard.
It could also be seen as a test of character when other people attempt to confide in you about things that deeply trouble them, and perhaps you failed their test, proving to them that you cannot be relied upon to offer a shoulder or shared strength in time of need.
Honesty about your attitudes doesn't make them any more right than anybody else's.
posted on May 15, 2001 07:09:04 AM new
Borillar & HJWNo more sappy smilies for the benefit of Southern Sensibilities (whatever) would you both learn to spell
Philosophy correctly so that I may glean more from this waaaay deep thread and not have my teeth set on edge with errors and I won't use "Snappy [sic] Smilies"
Remember Fonix wurked fer me! but it doesn't help one's spelling.
"too many folks dislike threads witha depth greater than a teaspoon."
It's clear that there are flakes abounding here, so I am sure that you will be able to stir some horse manure around, no matter what the topic. And, when you can't stir it around,
piss on somebody. That should start the ball
rolling...Only problem is that those who
like to see the swords clash are left here
with only a Cover Your Ass Smiley face as
a weapon. That's pitiful.
posted on May 15, 2001 07:39:06 AM new
Gee - good thing that I'm not the President! My late-night dyslexia strikes again, I suppose, and people get their sensibilities hurt and get upset and feel that they have to lash out at others for some reason. But please, don't confide the reason to me ...
KRS, of course this discussion has only been skin deep. However, you are being a bit derisive in your post there, don't you think? Instead of that attitude, why not contribute?
Enchanted, " It could also be seen as a test of character when other people attempt to confide in you about things that deeply trouble them"
I used to think this too. Turns out in my experience that most people are willing to unload what's bothering them on almost anyone who cares to listen. Character only matters when it matters to you and they know it and so they butter you up in order to prep you for unloading on you all of their woes. You may as well be the person standing behind you in line at the grocery store.
I have another "self protective mechanism" that I employ to discourage people from unloading on me. I stole this idea from that 10 Minute Manager series of books. Like a manager, when someone comes up to me with a problem, I ask them what their proposed solution is. The shocked looks and the comment, "I don't have one" prompts me to tell them that I can do nothing for them unless they are also bringing to me a possible solution to work out their problems. Turns out, that most people just want to unload on you -- no advice needed! Moreover, if you actually require them to offer a solution with their problem, then they just go elsewhere and find someone of a better character and reputation to reply on to unloading upon.
After a while, people stop coming to you with the idea that you are a dumping ground for their pain, but at the same time, you are exactly the person to come to when something important comes up. If you all prefer to get dumped on with billions of minor tragedies, that's your affair -- just don't rail at me for excusing myself from this negative, unproductive process.
"Borillar & HJWNo more sappy smilies for the benefit of Southern Sensibilities (whatever) would you both learn to spell
Philosophy correctly so that I may glean more from this waaaay deep thread and not have my teeth set on edge with errors and I won't use "Snappy [sic] Smilies"
I am not agreeing with Borillar on the topic of this thread.
I copied his thought on philosophy without
correcting his spelling.
Don't pair me with Borillar's "personal scruples" or his "philosophy" as he calls it.
I posted to this thread because I was bored.
posted on May 15, 2001 08:20:02 AM new
Helen as much as I dislike those yellow smilies, they do CYA (as someone else pointed out) here on some occasions.
A damned winking smilie came up on EO when I was showing someone java script.
posted on May 15, 2001 08:34:38 AM new
Hello, NearTheSea,
I am no longer interested in covering my ass
or in accepting the nasty thoughts of anyone
else who tries to cover theirs...
Of course that doesn't apply to you.
But some of the thoughts that are accompanied
by those little in your face, sappy CYA
smiley faces are unacceptable to me when
used inappropriately. And I can tell the
difference and furthermore, I can define the
difference and I will.
posted on May 15, 2001 08:43:44 AM new
I think its to prevent the mods from coming in and saying its disruptive or whatever
Oh yeah, better week, thanks! We have some kind of wind warning of gusts up to 80 miles an hr coming, so my weather alert keeps chirping at me..... hmmmm, better batten the hatches and all that, I doubt it, they always get the weather wrong up here, but better safe than sorry!
Valley girl talk, "waaay deep" and deep subjects don't mix. Any bartender could tell you that.