posted on March 1, 2001 01:04:30 PM new
Greetings Earthlings!,
Well, since reaching into the pockets of online sellers has become a national sport and the melee is just about uncontrollable , I've decided to jump into the foray!
Up to this point AW nad EO have been THE place to go when sellers need timely advice for the myriad of problems they face when selling online. Some of the best and most informative advice is posted right here on AW for FREE, by all the giving, sharing and knowledgeable folks who frequent these boards.
According to the recent post by AW adminstrators, AW services contribute greatly to the success of online sellers and it seems to me that all the great advice thats offered on these boards to the immediate satisfaction of the askers is one of the most valuble resources that aids the new breed of internet traders that come here, saving them countless dollars, incalculable frustration and hours of downtime. It's easy to think this is one of AW's unique tools that is offered to the public.
Well, not so fast, While they might provide a place to post it, all that free advice is from US, and OUR benevolence and desire to help our peers and fellow traders make it in this increasingly hostile environment. WE do this, not AW.
The way I see it right now, It is this, OUR contribution, to AW that makes this, initially at the very least, such an appealing place for users to come. Forget all the tools that are sold to users AFTER they find this place and by OUR recommendations, I think it is OUR introduction afforded to our friends and peers that initiates the progression of new traders to investigate AW's tools to improve their sales efforts. And the advice we FREELY give that is among the most useful tools this place has to offer.
Well, I jsut can't spend this much time here giving advice anymore and not get paid for it.
I am hereby offering my good amount of experience and sage advice for a small and reasonable fee.
My rates are .05¢ per post and 1% of the gross of any auction in which my advice was sought, no matter what the aspect. I haven't found a good reason I deserve a piece of your sale yet but I'm sure I'll come up with some rationale! Furthermore, I require $1.00 per post for post-auction advice, technical assistance, tax advice, and fraud recourse. Finally I'll need $2.00 per post to hear you whine and vent.
I will also take 4 cookies per post so that I might harvest and sell information regarding your habits to third parties and all replies may include flashing banners, repetitive advertisements and an occaisional spam in your email.
I have no TOS as I will regularly break them and twist them to my advantage anyway. I reserve the right to request that any thread I find threatening be locked despite any apparent or blatant hypocracy. I will offer no explanations and will not address any concerns regarding my new fees.
Thank you for your years of loyalty, countless recommendations that helped build my reputation for good advice and your continued and unselfish support!
posted on March 1, 2001 01:18:05 PM new
I hereby consider that a request for advice! thank you for being my first customer fatkid or whatever your handle is, your cry for help has been noted and your query be treated with the utmost respect with our thoughtful and pertinant response!!
My advice to you is that you don't really need me, you had it in you all along kid.
Now click your heels three times and repeat...You cannot go home, you cannot go home....
That'll be .10¢ please (the fees just went up, as per our forthcoming announcement), I can't hold these prices down forever you know. Oh, and what auction nuber will that be assessed to?
[ edited by long_gone on Mar 1, 2001 01:19 PM ]
posted on March 1, 2001 01:34:28 PM new
Pocono, Mail tail is between my legs, I could't begin to touch all the great advice and people you've helped for FREE. You should have been given a pinback button that syas "AW Ambassador" and free backstage pass.
You are arbitrarily enrolled in our pewter seller premium package. Free advice for life! (till the last vetran of WWI dies, read the small print please).
As for hitandrun, please remove your bouncing gifs, the code is disrupting my flashing, pulsating , hypnotising...you must seek advice...banner ads...you must seek advice...and I'm afraid I'll have to start charging you for that...you must seek advice...space if you don't remove it...you must seek advice...soon.
posted on March 1, 2001 01:41:41 PM new
Unknown, I'm not sure, there my mom and dads recipe and they seem to be busted at the moment, hey wait a minute!, is this advice you need? Nice try freeloader! You pay in advance from now on, unless you become a verified freeloader and send us your original birth certificate and spit swab for our DNA database.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to recent analysis of data gathered by our subscription department we have found that freeloaders tricking our system into giving advice resulting in fee avoidance has reached a whopping 50%!!
And due to an overwhelmingly positive email response from [only] satisfied users, ANY response to this and future threads by us, structured in the form of a question will be interpreted as a request for advice and will automatically be subject to our new .15¢ per post fee.
posted on March 1, 2001 01:59:59 PM new
One question.
How will you handle the deadbeats (those who do not take your advice) ?
May I suggest a 10 page web form with a 30 day wait.
And if you are following AW's lead, does this mean you will decide who gets advice and who doesn't ? Will you completely and thoroughly ignore any request you see fit ?
posted on March 1, 2001 02:06:39 PM new
Tomservo, we have been made aware of your kind comment in our favor, and have decided to waive your fee and enroll you in pilot trial program. You may continue on this program FREE until which time it becomes such a necessary part of you routine that it is virtually indispensible! At that point we will callously forget you ever made these nice comments and you will then be requested to join our Kimberlite Pipe Dream package! where you get everything already mentioned including including an industrial quality diamond crusted loyalty certificate (AKA sandpaper) printed in real india ink with your logo and the illusion of importance!!
LG & Co.
[ edited by long_gone on Mar 1, 2001 02:09 PM ]
posted on March 1, 2001 02:19:39 PM new
Man....this is CON fusing.
So I pay you for advice on an auction then the item sells and you get a FVC %, right?
oops.
Then the buyer doesn't pay. Do I get a refund?
crap (another question)
I guess I could quit my day jod to keep up with all these changes and time consuming credit requests from everybody that has their fingers in my pie but I don't know if that would be smart (this is NOT a QUESTION. Please don't charge me for it)
CRAP.....do I have to PAY for asking you if I'll get a refund?
CRAP, CRAP, CRAP~!! Don't charge me for that last question, OK?
OH GOD........another question. I think I'm going in the hole here.
Maybe I should just send all of my products to you and you can sell them and when all the fees are settled you could send me my profit.
Hows that sound?
DRAT!!!!!!!!!! Another question, MAN.
I'm outta here. What do I owe you so far?
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forget that last question , OK?
OH MAN>>>>>>>>>> This could really add up FAST!!!!.
Nice scam. Wish I'd thought of it.
***********************************
The more PEOPLE I meet.........
The more I like my DOG!!
[ edited by whinecooler on Mar 1, 2001 02:20 PM ]
posted on March 1, 2001 02:20:45 PM new
Dear Long_Gone: Do you realize if you spelled your name longg_one we could only begin to imagine what you might be referring to?
Now, for my 53.7 cents worth - I'm glad to finally see on these boards a poster like yourself with a good business attitude. I am a person who believes in paying for what I get and thankfully so, as I am not smart enought by a long shot to figger out all this new fangled technot-stuff on my own.
So I'll happily pay you for advice.
Now here's my problem: My mother-in-law is coming for dinner and I'm cooking. What should I serve?
Send the bill to Paypoo for me!
p.s. The only thing I can cook is toast, so you're advice better be good!
- - - - - - >
Edited to add: My mother-in-law is allergic to toast.
posted on March 1, 2001 02:23:56 PM new
If you would like to hear MY views on your post, please PayPal me $5.00 and I will share my incisive insights with you!
posted on March 1, 2001 02:24:36 PM new
Cix, What a dumb question! Deadbeats will be ignored of course, how could you possibly have a successful enterprise without ingnore the deadbeats, for every single deadbeat, I get a minimum of three or four questions of how to handle them for pete's sake!!
BTW, you have asked two questions. I will answer the second question by ignoreing it completely and suspending your posting priveleges on our service. That is of course unless we can sell you on our Money Talks Favorite Benefactor plan, which includes the privilege of vulgar jabs, obnoxious presumption and personal attack immunity to any thread we post! Gotta luv that one.
Please send us a detailed map of your wardrobe indicating all pockets where cash is kept. Please note that garments with watch pocket are not approved on our threads as we can't fit our hands in them.
Sincerly, long_gone.*org
[ edited by long_gone on Mar 1, 2001 02:29 PM ]
posted on March 1, 2001 02:29:34 PM new
I'm afraid you are incurring significant chargebacks with this thread.
To date:
17 broken chairs (from ROFL)
7 items for dry cleaning (didn't make it too the loo in time)
1 broken keyboard (spit my coke on it from LOL) (okay, I didn't spit it out. You made it come out my nose!)
Please remit Payment Immediately or you will incur further charges.
posted on March 1, 2001 02:31:35 PM new
Bing Boiiiing! Time's up. I got better things to do than sit around all day waiting for answers. I'm outa here. So anyone know who else is setting up biz here on AW - I gotta have answers - NOW!
posted on March 1, 2001 02:41:46 PM new
Whinecooler, Congratulations, you're the first to recognize the beauty of our new system, we have obviously done our job an have clearly been of great service to you. Consider yourself enlightened. Its hard to ascertain a value on the knowledge we have bestowed upon you, so , umm.. Please bend over...
Wedgewood, I don't mean to brag but...Ahem. I'll assume that's a freudian slip from you on our behalf! I just hope your female!!. Please stand by while we get a ruler, ..er , ..invoice for you...
As for your mother in law... Thats an easy one. Have TOAST!! there you go, all problems solved.
Domestic problem solving is not our forte' however and subject to whatever surcharges we can quickly think of. Please remember that this is the ebay board, please take your future toast problems to the proper board.
Chepistar, sounds like a hardware failure to me, take a hike!
[ edited by long_gone on Mar 1, 2001 02:48 PM ]
posted on March 1, 2001 03:09:29 PM new
Could someone please remove all the crap that whinecooler left on the board?
Hey, thats a question! I guess I'll have to charge myself.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to the increased cost of conducting business we are announcing a 20% fee increase retroactive to beggining of this thread.
Also our sight will be down due to scheduled maintenance (dinner). We appologise for this inconveniance and our chefs are working to resolve these issues as quickly as possible. We will return to answer questions as soon as we digest the issues we are currently having. Your business is important to us as long you keep paying. Thanks for your support.
This could really add up FAST!!!!.
Real AWESOME Long_gone..BRILLIANT...Thanks for the laughs..loved t!