posted on October 18, 2001 05:40:48 PM
Was browsing around, and came across this TOS on an auction. (Accompanied by the blaring music, and dancing GIFs of course). If you have 5 hours to kill, check it out. This one takes the cake!!!
100% SATISFACTION GAURANTEE: We give a 100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE on our items!
If you are not satisified with your purchase, return it postmarked within 7 days for full credit or exchange. This is exclusive of damage or loss during shipping. Buy insurance if you want coverage for that. No cash refunds please.
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ALL WINNERS OF OUR AUCTIONS CHECKOUT AT ******': ******' is our auction management service. We use ******' to organize our auctions and process orders. It's impossible for us to keep track of all the information surrounding our winning auctions without *****'. Our customers LOVE ******'! All winners will get an email from "email.services@******.com". This is from our automatic email program at ******'. It will set up a unique secure web site called the checkout just for YOU AND I for the auction you won. Depending on what program you use to view the internet, this email will have either a clickable link to this special checkout or it will have an address to the checkout. ALL U.S. and International bidders, please go to the checkout where you will leave your mailing address, get your total and our mailing address. Even if you pay with an online service, before or after you get this email, we ask that you still go to the checkout and complete it so we can process your order quickly. By not doing so may delay the shipment of your item(s). So please go through the checkout. By bidding on any of our auctions you are agreeing to respond to the automated checkout link, go to it, and to fill in all the information it asks. It only takes a minute or two to fill in the information and it's SO much better than sending email back and forth. You'll love it! SEE OUR FEEDBACKS BELOW. They testify to the effectiveness of ******'!
(Jeesh! If you love them so much, why don't yo marry them?)
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HOW TO COPY AND PASTE URL ADDRESSES: Hold down the LEFT button on your mouse and drag the cursor (arrow) over the entire link or url address (it starts with this: HTTP://...). By doing this you are highlighting it or selecting it. Make sure you get the address and ONLY the address. If you leave any of the web address out of the highlight, it won't work.
Then, while your mouse cursor is directly over the highlighted text, RIGHT click on your mouse. A drop down menu will appear. Choose "copy".
Take your mouse and put the cursor in the web address field of your internet browser (where you put www.ebay.com).
LEFT click, so the field is highlighted.
RIGHT click again, choose "paste". You have just transfered the address to your browsers address field. If it looks correct, hit "enter" on your keyboard or click "go". There you go! We'll see you at the checkout!
(So THAT"S how you cut and paste! Thanks..)
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COMBINING MULTIPLE WINS & ******'S CHECKOUT: YES! We combine auction wins to save YOU money on shipping and handling. You pay the full amount of shipping and handling as shown in the first auction you win. Then, on each additional auction you win, you pay only 1/2 of the shipping / handling amount(s) shown in each of those. You will recieve a congratulatory email for each auction you win. Please checkout completely at each one, even if the shipping / handling amounts aren't correct. There is a "message" area at your checkout for you to tell us whatever you need to. Leave a message there that you want combined shipping / handling. We will adjust the amount when you are done winning auctions. Not completing the checkout may result in the delay of your item(s) being mailed. The information you provide is secure, private and for our eyes only. So please complete the checkout. It only takes a minute.
(So, it's full shipping on 1 item... 1/2 on the next. 1/2 of that on the next, and 32/365ths on the next????? So that comes to????)
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ONLINE PAYMENTS: For BOTH U.S and International buyers we accept MOST online services for credit card payments, such as ENERGYFLOW, PROPAY, ECOUNT, TRADENABLE, BIDPAY, BILLPOINT, PAYPAL AND WESTERN UNION !! You can check out the auction for the option of your choice. Make your payment to: [email protected] We suggest you copy and paste this for an accurate address!! You don't pay at ******' unless you are making a direct credit card payment. When paying via PayPal, click on the PayPal Instant Purchase link at the top of the auction. When paying via Billpoint, click on the BillPoint PAY NOW link near the top of the auction. It appears AFTER the auction ends. For all others, click on their respective links in the auction and follow the instructions at that web service. Don't hesitate to ask us for help if you are having difficulty. We are experts and can be a valuable resource for you.
(Thank God, they are experts. So does that mean you will accept a 4 party, post dated, out of state check, signed in crayon?)
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MAILED IN PAYMENTS: Money orders, cashiers check and cash (sent at buyers risk) is acceptable.
Personal checks are acceptable from U.S. buyers only, but will delay shipment for 10 business days from the day of deposit, Monday-Friday, no exceptions. We don't go to the bank everyday and clearance is subject to when we put the check in the bank. If you want faster service, send your payment the day or day after the auction ends with a money order, cash or pay with any online service mentioned in our auctions.
REQUESTED INVOICE: If you don't have a printer or supplies to print out the invoice after going through the checkout, NO PROBLEM, but, PLEASE, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS include the auction number, description and your email address with ALL payments and emails.
Payments are due within 7 (SEVEN) days of auction close, unless you are bidding on multiple auctions. And if you are bidding or are going to bid on other auctions of ours please let us know so we aren't wondering what's going on.
(I think we have apretty good idea of what's going on....)
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WE MAIL QUICKLY: We use the service to get your item(s) mailed to you quickly! This is another reason why you must checkout at ******'. Your mailing address will be taken from the ****** checkout where you enter it yourself. This insures accurate and quick processing of your order.
(Now I can sleep safely).
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AFTER 7 DAYS: If after 7 days, payment has not been received or arrangements not made PRIOR to the auctions end, we will send a non-paying bidder email, *reminder to pay* through e-Bay. This is to remind the winner of their contract as e-bay outlines it. If payment is on it's way, then let us know via email as soon as possible.
If we don't receive the payment from you within 10 days of the end of the auction, the item will be reauctioned. THEN we will file a "Final Value Fee Credit" with ebay to get our fee returned. When eBay refunds us the final value fee for the auction you didn't honor, the non paying bidder will recieve a strong warning from ebay. The appropriate feedback will be left to alert the eBay community to those who waste sellers time and money.
(How about sellers who like to waste bidders time with 85 pages of TOS!!!!!!!)
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WHEN DO WE SHIP?: We ship most every weekday (Monday-Friday). We are closed on Saturday, but emails may still be sent to us and will be answered within 24 hours.
(Let me guess, Saturday and Sunday are your days to come up with more crap to add to your TOS).
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FEEDBACK: POSITIVE FEEDBACK: We love to give positive feedback!! ) Feedback is given after we know that YOU, our customer, is COMPLETELY SATISFIED. When we get postive feedback, we DO reciprocate for those customers who follow the terms of sale in their auction.
NEGATIVE FEEDBACK: Bidders who try to renegotiate their shipping and or auction terms, which they agreed upon, when bidding, will receive NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. Ask questions before you bid.
(I have a question, What the heck is going through your mind with this nutty TOS????)
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USPS SHIPPING: We use the US Postal Service Priority Mail for all of our auctions. Most other US Postal Service Options are available such as Insurance, Express mail, etc...
International rates vary, depending on where it's being sent. We use UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE GLOBAL PRIORITY SHIPPING FOR INTERNATIONAL ORDERS.
(You say most shipping is available. Will you ship by donkey????)
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edited to add some ****** to protect the windbag.
[ edited by mipakaco on Oct 18, 2001 05:48 PM ]
[ edited by mipakaco on Oct 18, 2001 05:50 PM ]
[ edited by mipakaco on Oct 18, 2001 06:04 PM ]
I can't believe they're actually able to get their auctions to submit with all that. Unless their item descriptions are limited to one sentence or something.
(In case the above paragraph seems to not make sense, I've noticed that if I have too many characters in my description, the auction will hang up in processing until I pare it down some.)
posted on October 18, 2001 06:43:19 PM
WHAT?? No banner headline type proclaiming, I'm a POWERSELLER, You can TRUST Me!? Well, color me disappointed! I was sure there'd be 4 or 5 of them in there.
posted on October 18, 2001 06:54:35 PMif i saw all of this on a page i would email the bidder and tell hime to place all this info on his ebay me page.]
Better make darn sure you have a posting ID before you do something like this.
posted on October 19, 2001 02:13:29 AM
I'll bet this person has never been married or if he/she has been, they've were annuled in about a week!
I thought my terms were long at 153 words. I don't beleive mine are threating or boring, just politely firm. Boy! This one takes the cake and the bakery too!!!
posted on October 19, 2001 04:20:46 AM
Wow again... It's amazing to me that he gets that many sales... What I don't understand is the people that are bidding on his stuff, and then neg him about his TOS... Ummmm, hello? Why'd ya buy from the guy then?? Especially when it's clearly laid out ahead of time that the guy's insane...
posted on October 19, 2001 07:38:17 AM
I don't understand why anyone would buy from this guy. I was looking for an item that my brother in law has been trying to find, and came across that auction (saw the novel he has written for his TOS and steered clear of it). The people that leave him negs, have left the negs due to other reasons: (broken items, failure to refund, inacurate descriptions, slow shipping, etc. and throw in the comments about the crazy TOS just for good measure). The best neg he got was from someone who said the seller charged them a $15 fee for sending the payment after 7 days, and the buyer refused to be extorted). This guy's TOS takes longer than 7 days to read! Maybe the buyer's should charge the seller a $15 waste of time fee. What a winner.
[ edited by mipakaco on Oct 19, 2001 07:46 AM ]
posted on October 19, 2001 09:28:42 AM
yes i agree that the terms should be on the front page, but all the added stuff can be placed on a second page ME PAGE
All terms of the auction need to be on the auction listing page.
If they are not there, they are not considered part of the auction. A bidder should not have to click on a link to find out they need to promise their first born in exchange for having the privilege of bidding on someone's auction.
posted on October 19, 2001 10:12:13 AM
the less TOS and the more fexible you are the better the sales.. Be to the point but do not tell your life story
posted on October 19, 2001 10:46:43 AM
i place all shipping prices on the auction ...but if i use an automated service my rates for combining shipping , my feedback policy and my mother name are on my ebay me page
posted on October 19, 2001 10:54:19 AM
eastwest ... Frankly, I don't think the "horse's mouth" counts for much (you can email Safeharbor and get three different answers, even from the same person). Their User Agreement specifically states:
Listing and Selling.
5.1 Listing Description. ... You must describe your item and all terms of sale on the listing page of our Site.
The listing page is not the About Me page. The horse you talked to is wrong.
) Feedback is given after we know that YOU, our customer, is COMPLETELY SATISFIED. When we get postive feedback, we DO reciprocate for those customers who follow the terms of sale in their auction.
