posted on July 21, 2006 08:41:04 PM
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Jewish phrases.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
In a second category, The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. [My personal favorite, having done this a time or two]
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
posted on July 21, 2006 09:09:17 PM
I like them. a good idea. THIS JUST COME IN TO MY COMPUTER so i will add this long one too. hope you like them.
RESTROOM SIGNS
Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her #*!@.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.
posted on July 22, 2006 05:42:14 PM
WHAT SMELL? I love this woman!!!!!
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him
"Every time I take any of my friends out in my car,
after a while there is this terrible smell !!. It
never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK,
lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the
wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb
on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three
pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red
lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic
duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, There it is
now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
posted on July 22, 2006 09:56:25 PM
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into
the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I
use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
--------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you
think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she
replied.
--------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their
special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of
them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in
her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years
younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love
that fairy!
--------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the
toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
If Murphy's law is correct, everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide into the Atlantic
posted on July 23, 2006 07:24:16 PM
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the witch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."
posted on July 24, 2006 11:03:17 AM
These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking
out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in,
rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a
1 to 10 scale. One says,
"I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees,
and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round
of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young
lass. He checks her out himself and says,
"Nah, I'd give her a 3."
"A 3? How can you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at
the table. "She's a real pretty girl."
The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women."
The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste
in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another
young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However,
the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again
overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and
tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.
"A 5? How can you give her just a 5! She's absolutely gorgeous!"
The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method
for rating women.
"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to
his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.
Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde,
5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.
Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the
three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress
is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer
pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender
once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances
studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he
could give her, would be a 7.
"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's
gorgeous!"
"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for
rating women."
"Budweiser?" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the
Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"
"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating
women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off
her."
**************
If we are what we eat,
