posted on July 25, 2001 01:18:57 PM new
I was going to ask what your wife was blissfully ignorant of.....but then I notice the 'ex'. That pretty much says there were a few things you didn't see eye to eye on.
As one who has been married a long time, and who has watched as many friends have gone through the divorce process, I have often wondered if one ever really detachs from an 'ex' especially when children are involved.
posted on July 25, 2001 02:47:28 PM new
Hi NearTheSea - I know what you mean. Some men not only divorce the wife, but seem to 'divorce' the children too. It's so sad for the children in so many ways.
What I was kind of referring to are the parents who continue the fighting throughout the childs life, even though they've divorced.
My experience has been when friends who have children divorce, is that the arguments seem to be on-going. Divorcing doesn't seem to change that much, other than living arrangements and financial issues. That is, if the father stays involved with the children.
When I was a young wife and mother, I always thought that maybe divorce was better for the children in certain circumstances. Because of the children the parents still had to have constant contact with one another, and the long held hurts and disagreements (about whatever) never were resolved.
posted on July 26, 2001 04:54:16 AM new
I watched a friend of mine and her ex-husband fight viciously while their child was standing between them. That child is now 21 and my friend still is obsessed with her ex.
My ex and I divorced 19 years ago and we had one small child. We really had alot of anger towards one another, however, we also realized it wasn't our son's fault. We both vowed that no matter how bitter we were about the other, we would NEVER allow ourselves to fight in front of our child or talk badly about one another to our son. Our son was a year old when we divorced and he is now 20. We both kept up our agreement and our son benefited greatly from it.
Our son was the product of a divorce of two adults who realized that the child came first. As much as I personally dislike my ex for things that happened during our marriage, I am thrilled he was a part of my son's life and that he supported me on decisions regarding our son (including disciplinary ones).
The point to my story is that divorce means it's over between husband and wife - that is why you divorced in the first place. If you are hung up on the anger, you end up like my friend - 20 years later still obsessing over the anger. She might as well have stayed married.
Children know they are a part of their mother and their father - when you criticize one parent to the child, they believe you don't like them either, because they have that part of them in them.
Divorce is never easy. I always believed marriage should cost you more than divorce. If that were true, more and more people would sit down and think about getting married, before they JUST DID IT.
No preaching intended here, just wanted some to see that divorce can be handled a different way.
posted on July 26, 2001 05:27:10 AM new"But believe me, I am so detached from the ex, (and he didn't have much to do with his own children anyway) that it doesn't phase me one bit, if I ever hear anything about him, which, I very very rarely do".
Uh, Huh.
You may not hear anything about him, but we certainly do....
posted on July 26, 2001 09:41:07 AM new
Just to clarify...
Twenty-year marriage, 7-year old child. Vicious divorce. Ex subsequently remarries, moves, claims sexual misconduct. Investigation, court throws allegations out. Ex divorces #02, things normalize. Ex seriously dates physician employer with intent to marry, discovers he's still married though separated for over 8 years, then discovers he's having a physical relationship with yet another girlfriend. Ex and boyfriend spat, ex attempts suicide and damn near suceeds this last May. Court gives temporary custody of kid back to me. Ex now furious that neither the court, nor I will simply toss the child back to her.
Ex now professionally diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder, and Dependent Personality Disorder.
Total time: 3 years to date. Cost-to-date: $35K.
To answer Linda K's query, no you don't get them out of your head, or your life no matter how badly you want to, and when you really, really want to, you feel guilty for it.
posted on July 26, 2001 10:35:24 AM new
My husband and I are divorced from marriages which each produced a child.
My ex (who had custody in another state) and I really tried to get past our differences and be as cordial and cooperative as we could. I paid child support, health insurance, and the costs of transportation. I suspect we worked harder to have a successful divorce that we did to have a successful marriage. I wish him well.
My husbands ex (who has custody in another state) did everything she could to destroy any possibility of a relationship between him and his daughter. The head games she played and the stunts she pulled, would likely make for a good movie with the passive/aggressive manipulator played by Kathy Bates (no insult to Kathy Bates whom I admire greatly).
After over a decade of this, she has won.
Financially, she collected alimony for 2 years, child support direct deposit for 11 years, paid up health insurance for the child, and 1/2 of all health costs remaining after insurance. Not to mention cash she wheedled (quasi-ransom) and substantial clothing & supplies purchased for the child until the visitations were halted completely 2 years ago. Although the support & other payments, of course, continue to pay out.
I silently look forward to when her child support finally comes to a halt, because, in my vindictive heart, I can't wait for her to go bankrupt. Which she will. It won't make up for the loss to my child (the half-sister) or the father, who miss the other child greatly.
But since I don't believe in Hell, earthly loss of status and material things will have to do.
posted on July 26, 2001 11:55:31 AM new
Hey NearTheSea - What's going on? You're editing all your posts. Hope you're okay.
xenainfla - How super you and your ex were able to put your child's best interests above all else. I wish more divorces could be handled so maturely.
My experience has been that most seem to go the way Victoria (her husband's ex) and lswanson share.
These situations turn into nightmares and the children are the biggest losers.
lswanson - Thanks for sharing where you're coming from. Wow! You really have had your hands full. Always feel so helpless when I hear stories like yours. I wish you strength.
posted on July 26, 2001 01:45:15 PM new
Glad to hear all is well, NearTheSea.
Yes, being careful not to disclose too much private information for safety's sake is important. And yet by sharing some of our private lives, we are able to reach out and get to know one another better. It can be a fine line.
