posted on September 26, 2001 09:44:33 PM newIf you enjoy this, just post a smiley so we know and we will be on the look out for more
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope-Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist, I said,"Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." (I love this one)
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering a bridge, here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
posted on September 27, 2001 03:58:14 AM new
These are great! May I add one-it's true, and just happened to me this week.
Client called at 6:30 in the morning. She had rearended another car on the freeway. Both cars totalled, she and her son had to have xrays, extensive dental work. Problem is that she had let her auto insurance lapse two months earlier. Her question was-'If I send in my premium today, can I get my insurance reinstated?' The answer was yes. Next question-'Will it cover this accident?' Give her a big sign!
posted on September 27, 2001 04:33:49 AM new
Years a go we had a truck get stuck under this railroad bridge that was less than the usual clearance.
When the fire department and the police got there they spent almost an hour trying to pull that thing back out with a wrecker and using the tractor itself. They sent guys up on top of the trailer with big pry bars to try to detangle the sheet metal from the girders. Finally a TV crew showed up from the local station to shoot it as a local interest story and had one of the stupid conversations you are discribing -
Truck got stuck - Yeah - Having a hard time getting it out - yeah jammed in there pretty good.
Then a little boy about ten years old asked them on live mic - "Why don't you just let some air out of the tires to drop it down a little?"
posted on September 27, 2001 09:08:05 AM new
Zilvy - hope you don't mind that some of us are derailing your thread a bit with Stuck Truck stories. I just had to tell mine.
I was headed to work one morning and noticed a slowdown near a railroad overpass that my route was taking me under. As I approached, I saw that there was a truck wedged in the underpass, and the driver was waving folks around his rig. The type of vehicle he was driving is what Truckers refer to as a "Parking Lot", and his cargo was 8-10 brand spanking new SUV's (I believe they were Expeditions). The top most one, a nice black number positioned directly over the cab, had had it's roof peeled back by the overpass. It was so very obvious that there hadn't been near enough clearance that I suspected the driver must have been a sign-wearer.
It was my turn to drive around his truck, and he waved me through, then climbed into the cab. I was not quite past him when glass and metal started showering down behind me. That's when I realized that there was NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that he HAD to be a sign-wearer. He had elected to try to continue driving forward with his load, and peeled the tops off of the other 2-3 vehicles behind the black one.
I couldn't believe it - I assume he realized he had already lost his job, and decided he just didn't care anymore.... but wouldn't most folks make arrangements to BACK out of that situation and avoid further damages?
Rosie
*There is no conclusive evidence that life is serious*
[ edited by RoseBids25cents on Sep 27, 2001 09:09 AM ]
posted on September 27, 2001 10:05:03 AM newimmykidsmom, I'd give credit if I knew who the author was but since this was received via email with no attribution I posted it for fun.
OK I just checked out Bill Engvall's site and he is the author not Foxworthy!
posted on September 27, 2001 11:08:19 AM new
Jeff Foxworthy does the redneck jokes. The "here's your sign" comes from a country western singer whose name escapes me right now.
Not my name on ebay.
posted on September 27, 2001 09:25:00 PM new
Thanks Zilvy for adding a bit of cheer to what has been doom and gloom lately. I don't care where your original post came from it was funny to read.
posted on September 28, 2001 02:31:21 AM new
This ain't a stuck truck story, but it is a true truck story.
I'm receiving manager at a retail store. At least once a week as we are unloading a truck (picture 20 pallets laid out with over 1500 cases piled up on them, covering the floor from wall to wall) someone will fight their way through and ask "We got a truck in tonight?"
I would love to come up with something to tell them besides "Here's your sign".
Any suggestions?
posted on September 28, 2001 02:39:13 AM newBlondesense: Some humble offerings:
"What gave it away?"
"Nope, these just fell out of the sky."
"Nope, the pallet fairy left them."
"You're just imagining these."
"Nope, the boss brought these from his house."
"Nope, they came in a schoolbus/SUV/Toyota/whatever vehicle suits your fancy."
Got a letter from Elder Kitten, who related that some of his training mates were cool people but as for the rest of them, it was a shame to see "how far the gene pool has degraded".
posted on April 15, 2002 10:30:48 PM new
True story- A fellow electric line troubleman was using a "loaner" bucket truck for several months while waiting for his new truck to be delivered- a bucket truck is also called a cherry picker in some parts of the country, so you'll all know what I'm talking about.
His "loaner" truck was what we called a "baby" bucket truck, it was used by servicemen for small jobs, didn't govery high.
Day in and day out you would hear this guy on the radio calling for another crew with a bucket with more reach because his wouldn't reach the work.
Well one day the control for the lifting the bucket stuck while he was going down the road and the raised bucket hit an overpass and was tore right off the bed of the truck.
When he radioed into the dispatcher to tell what had happened, the dispatcher came back over the radio laughing with "Well I guess you finally found something that your bucket can reach".
posted on April 17, 2002 10:36:47 AM new
I just LOVE Bill Engvall--I think he's much funnier than Jeff Foxworthy. It's also nice that he can be so hilarious and still not litter his routines with four-letter words like so many other comics. "Here's your sign" was his first album, and I just about peed myself from laughing when my brother first played it for me!
posted on April 18, 2002 06:19:10 AM new
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had
to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.
and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give
me a smaller time window, the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call
you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see
how he would be able to do that, since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that
we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed
my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained
that it was necessary to compare the signature
I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit
card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit
by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?
" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker
of mine when she asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this
more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why
her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side."
posted on April 18, 2002 10:50:46 AM new
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV
all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to
hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large
firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get
you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must
understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist.
Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in
his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times
more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup
truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the
second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen
previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to
work hard. Timepasses and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet
of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two
tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't
have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today
if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral: ..........................
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.
