posted on September 30, 2001 09:47:42 AM new
Have you ever found the e-mail address of an old friend or relative that you haven't heard from in years, and you get all excited?
And you write a big long e-mail message, and perhaps attach photos of you and the family?
And you assume that this person is going to be as excited to hear from you as you are to hopefully hear from them?
And then you hear NOTHING. Or a short one liner saying "Good to hear from you, but I'm busy and I'll write soon"? And that was last March?
posted on September 30, 2001 10:13:08 AM new
It is always hard when you like someone and they don't feel the same way - or don't feel it as strongly.
We do have friends we only see every couple years and it is as if no time has passed and we part knowing it may be a couple years before we visit again. However I find most people can not mentally operate like that.
Some are terrified you will expect to start a regular contact and they are already overwhelmed in their world and don't feel they have time.
I once saw a fellow I used to work with in a restaurant and he had always been polite and chatted with me at work so I stopped by his table on the way out and said I have not seen you for about 3 years are you doing OK - Do you still work at the same shop?
He said I quit the place after you did and I never liked any of you a--h---- there and am happy never to see any of that gang again so just keep marching and let us enjoy our meal. That from a fellow who I never had cross words or anything with. You just never know what people are thinking.
posted on September 30, 2001 10:39:16 AM new
Not exactly what you would call a topping on your dessert huh? Sounds mean and ornery to me...wonder if he had a fall or stroke or something.
Muriel, that is kinda sad. But, on the other hand, it leaves more time for you to keep in touch with the folks who respond. Keep on smiling!
posted on September 30, 2001 11:16:58 AM new
Thanks you guys.
But -- let me elaborate. This hasn't happened just once! The first time it was a guy that I had literally grown up with from birth. We played together as kids, went to school together, went on double dates together with our respective love interests. I mean, we were like brother and sister! After 30 years I thought he would be happy to hear that I was alive and that I had married my high school sweetheart. But I guess not. I was really crushed. I sent him one more e-mail on his birthday (yes, I still remembered!), and just said "Happy Birthday, Tom". NO REPLY.
So just recently I e-mailed the former pastor from my church, whom I had known very well for 17 years. Our families were close, and he was like my second father. So I did the same thing. Found his e-mail address, gave him the lowdown on my family complete with pictures, etc. and NOTHING. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since I wrote to him many times over the years, but he never answered one lousy letter. When my dad died, he sent a card to my mom, and wrote in the card "send our love to Penny". BUT when I attended his daughter's wedding, he said "I love your letters! Keep them coming!". Oh sure... you bet.
So I'm just bummed today about people who don't care enough to take ten minutes to type an e-mail. Thank goodness I have Zilvy. Oh yeah, and Randy. I'm still waiting!!
Oh - and here are two closing thoughts:
Be nice to your kids, for they will choose your nursing home.
Be nice to your friends so one day they will visit you in the nursing home!
posted on September 30, 2001 12:09:36 PM new
The addy you found for your pal that you grew up with may be an old addy that he doesn't check anymore. I know that when I first got online, I set up several email addys, but they've since slipped my mind. My hotmail got deactivated because I got sick of the porn spam, and just quit checking it. Others, I don't even remember the user name, let alone password.
posted on September 30, 2001 12:13:53 PM newMuriel: Maybe they're giving you the cold shoulder. But another possibility is that you have the email addys wrong. When the 911 tragedy occured I was upset, because my cousin is a flight attendant & her husband is a pilot & both work for American Airlines!! I called but no one was home. And then I sent an email to them asking if they were OK. The next day I got an email from a woman saying that the email addy I'd used was *hers* & that she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be upset not hearing from my cousin. Somehow, when they gave me the addy, I miswrote it & as this was the first time I'd used it I hadn't found out my error.
I myself am at the opposite end of the situation you're talking about: a couple of months ago, I got a phone call from a woman I had known in junior high & high school. We'd been close friends & I was thrilled to hear from her. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes. As it was a long distance call (expensive), I asked for her email addy so we could correspond by email. Like a fool I didn't think of asking for her phone number. Unfortunately, I have misplaced that email address, so I can't contact her. She is probably thinking, like yourself, that I am an unspeakable $%#!@ who can't be bothered to talk to an old friend. And since she hasn't called me back, there it stands.
If I were you, just to be on the safe side I would try to contact your old friends one last time
posted on September 30, 2001 12:35:36 PM new
Well, I have thought of all of those things. But first of all, Tom - the first guy - did reply, and said he was busy and would write, so I know I got the right address.
And if, hypothetically they were wrong e-mail addresses, they would be returned as an "invalid e-mail address".
I appreciate your thoughts, though. I can usually count on you guys to answer me, one way or another.
posted on September 30, 2001 12:45:02 PM new
There are also those people for whom writing even a paragraph is pure torture. They'd rather clean the oven-after the cake runs over. Your friends may be like your pastor-loves getting them, but if you want a response, you'd better call them on the phone.
posted on September 30, 2001 12:57:11 PM newbearmom - . I know.... it still ticks me off. Just like those people who can't get around to sending an e-mail thanking you for a birthday card that you took the time to go out, purchase, write in, address, and mail. I keep saying I'm going to quit sending cards all together. But I'm a very communicative person - can you tell? -and it's hard for me to purposely ignore a friend or relative's birthday. I send get well and sympathy cards, too, because I know how much they meant to me when I was sick, and when my dad died. Sigh.
But hey - I still appreciate all you guys on this board.
posted on September 30, 2001 08:47:03 PM new
hmmmm,
this all sounds so familiar, I feel awful sad thinking about it all, but I want to share if anyone wants to listen.
You were all telling my stories up above (except Gravid, he has a NEED to top anything possible [smooch Gravid]), so I won't add to what has been so well spoken.
It made me think of all of the letters my Mom wrote to me in my lifetime, in her lifetime I should say. She's been gone 7 years now. I still have every one. It was always real emotional getting a letter from Mom. They started when I was first married and we lived Calistoga, about 30 minutes from the folks. I would get so excited, "a letter! I got a letter!" Followed by puzzlement as the letters never said anything. "I watered the flowers as it didn't rain today. We are all fine, how are you?"
The letters continued for the next 20+ years, about two a year, as we moved to Richmond, Fremont, and Sacramento Ca. They were almost interchangable. "Dearest Xxxxxx, we are all fine, how are you? It's been real hot here, cools off at night, though". All in her impeccable handwriting.
It goes without saying (almost) that I'd give just anything to get another one now and know she lived only 30 to 60 minutes away. But what didn't sink in until she was gone and I received her journals from my father was how reserved she was in all writings. I asked my sisters and their letters received were basically the same as my letters and the journals. Bland, careful, unemotional, dry, endless repetition, almost never an opinion. "I swept the back patio today. Ran 3 loads laundry. Made meatloaf, gr beans, salad. Carole R stopped by (Carole WHO?) Hot today, watered only out front, back yd tomorrow." "Cold today, cleaned out fireplace. Made meatloaf, gr beans, salad. Ran load of laundry and vac wh house."
Thank God she communicated much better when in person. But it still makes me think. And wonder. Those stiff little choppy sentences. Never "I think..." or "I want..." or "I should.." "I can't, I won't, I like..." And her letters never never commented on the outpourings of my youthful heart, the angst and lonliness and frustration I expressed in pages and pages of my awful handwriting.
posted on September 30, 2001 10:25:55 PM new
<chuckle>
Yeah, I had a friend. We went on double dates, she helped me through some tough stuff and we drifted apart when we both got in serious relationships, as friends sometimes do. About a month ago, I emailed her to get back in touch. It was just a plain old hey how ya doing, do you still go the The Castle (a local club), general stuff. I got no reply. I know it was recieved because what I do get is junk email: forward this to 10 people to save little Judys life, to make your wish come true, to get $3,241 from Bill Gates.
posted on October 1, 2001 03:40:48 AM new
Muriel, we all enjoy your wonderful posts-keep writing to us, we'll answer!
Immykids mom-I have a somewhat similar story. I had a great uncle who was career military and never had children, so he adopted me as his grandchild.
We wrote to each other once a week for 30 years. For the first 5 or 6, his mostly concerned my awful handwriting! Don't get me wrong, he loved me a great deal and to his precise military mind, neat handwriting was of paramount importance to my success in life.
His letters never said a lot, were usually one short page. He died a few years ago, and I never knew how much I would miss those short letters that said nothing but 'I love you enough to write to you'
posted on October 1, 2001 05:23:20 AM new
Another possibility that occurs to me is that the former friend you used to double date with and so forth has a wife who is one of these people who can not imaigine any relationship with a man but a sexual one.
There are a LOT of people who have that mind set and they can never trust a mate to be friendly with ANY other women. I am fortunate in that my second wife is not like that, and if I have friends who are women it is just no big deal to her. My first wife was the other sort and it was childish to the point of comedy to see her get mad and pout for days if I even spoke friendly to an old friend at a party. She would not even have any of HER friends over because I might actually speak to them. It might be understandable if I were some slimeball that was hitting on these ladies, but I am not. But any attention at all looked that way to her. Major insecurity.
posted on October 1, 2001 07:35:22 AM new
Boy--can I relate to this thread as right now I'm on both ends of the scenario.
When my first husband was in the service we made friends with a lot of other young couples--some who have stayed in touch through the years. However, my second husband has a very hard time when I hear from one of them (he divorced the wife I knew and remarried, but I don't know his new wife so I just kept in touch with the man.) I enjoy his once-a-year phone calls to catch up, and his long newsy e-mails, but when I hear from him my usually rational husband gets that look on his face and spends the rest of the day working outdoors and being really quiet. Last winter I got a couple of short-to-the-point e-mails from his second wife basically saying "if you don't care enough about us to write back, we won't write you." What could I say?? "My husband is jealous and it's better that I keep the peace at home?" I just wrote back that it didn't seem appropriate for me to be writing her husband--that I didn't want to upset anyone's family, etc. Seemed to work--but I still feel guilty and I would like to stay in touch. I've never felt romantically attracted to this man and just enjoyed the friendship. However, my husband looks at it in a different way and I don't want to hurt him.
On the other side of the coin--in the 4th grade I became penpals with a girl from Pennsylvania. Through the next 30 years we wrote off and on, although my letters always outnumbered hers. As time went on, her letters were getting farther and farther between until in the past 5 years or so she was only sending a Christmas card with her name signed on the bottom (while I was still writing her at Christmas catching up on the year's activities.) So--I decided I'd only write her when she wrote me (thereby she'd get the hint.) Guess what--the last Christmas card I got said "Too bad we haven't been writing much lately" and her name signed. (And by-the-way--we both have e-mail but she didn't respond to my letters that way, either.)Duh. Guess she must really miss me.
posted on October 1, 2001 06:19:10 PM newGravid: Funny you should say that. I might think you were right but I e-mailed both of the people at their office e-mail addresses.
Also, and this is weird. I e-mailed my real estate agent, and his wife answered. (No jealousy there!)
Also, I e-mailed an old boyfriend and his wife replied, saying "I read your e-mail to Joe, and he thinks he remembers you". My @$$.
posted on October 3, 2001 09:37:32 AM newUPDATE: Ok, this proves it. I'm a reject. I just got this e-mail today two weeks after sending the original one to the pastor I hadn't seen in many years:
"Hi Penny,
Greetings from the northland! Yes, indeed, I have received your e-mail. Sorry that I have not responded. Things have been rather hectic around here lately. Will write more later to catch you up on the news from Michigan. Greetings to everyone.
Here's a new twist to an old story: I HAVE been keeping in touch with (among others, of course) an old friend from high school for several years now. We even get together when we are both back in our home town-- for example, last Christmas. We had lots of fun!
This friend was engaged to her boyfriend for two years, and she had told me that they would be getting married this summer.
Her emails stopped suddenly this spring. I wrote a couple more emails just asking, "did you get my last message?" because I had notified her of an email address change-- but NOTHING.
Finally, FOUR MONTHS LATER (this September) I get an email from her saying "Hi" and "I'm married now" in an "oh by the way" manner! My best friend was even one of HER bridesmaids!!! What is THAT all about?
[ edited by freckledbird on Oct 3, 2001 11:41 AM ]
posted on October 3, 2001 02:02:33 PM new
Ok frecklebird, that does it! We're starting an organization against rude people. We'll call it "The Organization Against Rude People".
posted on October 3, 2001 04:01:19 PM new
Yep I have done that. People seem to fall into three categories:
1. They love to communicate via e-mail (count me in!). I have friends who live down the street whom I regularly chat with on-line. We send long, personal e-mails just like a conversation over coffee. Heck, my DH and I are networked within our house and he can do his work in one room, with me on-line in another, and we IM each other instead of hollering!
2. Some people just don't do e-mail. Period. They also seem to be the type that only pick up the phone to let you know they are in town, can they come over and visit for dinner?
3. The worst. The ones who love to send e-mails.....chain mail, ominous warnings, sappy friendship poems that they only send to 200 of their closest friends. Never, ever, a word about what's going on personally, and never a question about what's going on in your life. Then they admonish you to be sure to send this tragic story to everyone on your mailing list! So I'm now just a member of their mailing list?
It's a new world. I find I'm losing old friends and gaining new ones based on their e-mail protocol. That's probably too bad, but it's like some of us have moved to a new e-neighborhood and some of our friends have stayed behind. Nice to think of them fondly, but realistically, sometimes friendships just fade away.
posted on October 3, 2001 04:54:32 PM newSeekingAbsolution: Are you related to Randy, our HopelessSinner?
OhAndrea: Man oh man, are you on the money!! Especially about those who just foward crap to you, sometimes five at a time, with no note or anything. Just a bunch of forwarded jokes and junk that you have to click on over and over!
I just don't understand why people say "I finally got e-mail! Here is my address!" and then you never hear from them again.
I've come to the conclusion that people love to GET mail of any kind, but they don't like to reciprocate. I'm going to do some serious fall house cleaning in my address book!
[ edited by Muriel on Oct 3, 2001 04:55 PM ]
posted on October 4, 2001 07:20:22 AM new
I think you've got something there. Now that I think of it, one of my friends told me she always reads her emails and enjoys hearing from people. But when it comes to answering, it just doesn't happen! Luckily, she's consistent with the phone-- although I am not!
I guess we all just have different preferences when it comes to means of communication.
posted on October 4, 2001 07:21:32 AM newMuriel, I haven't had the pleasure of running into Randy, the HopelessSinner yet! Maybe we should meet? Sounds like we might have something in common...
Oh yeah, and Randy. I'm still waiting!!
[ edited by Muriel on Oct 3, 2001 04:55 PM ]