posted on October 7, 2001 07:50:50 AM
We were discussing something at work the other day, and I was given the assignment to ask my male buddies here at AW to give up some opinions (oh brother, is THAT asking for touble or what?).
Ok, here's the scenario:
You knew a girl twenty or so years ago. You dated for a short time, and really liked her, but your job moved you away. You parted company, but found out later that she had been pregnant when you left. You may or may not have attempted to contact her over the years, but may have lost track of where she was. Or you may have chosen to just let it go. The questions for you are:
Question #1:
Has this been on your mind for the last 20 years?
Question #2
You suddenly get an e-mail from this woman saying "It's been 20+ years, I have no hidden agendas, I just wanted to give you the opportunity to find out what has gone on for the past 20 years with your child."
What would you do? Respond? Not respond?
(Keep in mind, the child is now an adult, and there is no reason to believe that the mother is going to spill the beans on you. She is just wanting to give you the chance to find out about your child whom you know nothing about.)
Okay fellas, can you help me out here? Thanks! (I'll need to turn in the report on Tuesday)
posted on October 7, 2001 07:54:32 AM
There was this cute three year old chick named Tammy who was my girlfriend 20 years ago. She married a guy from South Africa and lives there now.
posted on October 7, 2001 08:03:48 AM
Okay. To the first question, I can't imagine that it wouldn't be on my mind all those years.
In answer to the second... that really depends on a bunch of things. Do I have a family and want to rock my world? What's going on in my life now? What do you remember about her; was she a flake? If so, what good is her assurance that she has no agenda? I could go on and on. But if you take out all those considerations it's pretty hard to justify not taking an opportunity to find out about your own child.
[ edited by jamesoblivion on Oct 7, 2001 08:06 AM ]
posted on October 7, 2001 08:10:32 AM
Ok, let's say she's not a flake, since this is the first contact she has made with you. And keep in mind, the child is an adult, so there is no demand for child support. And there is no indication she wants to expose you as the father.
posted on October 7, 2001 08:10:51 AM
Here is my input. I am in a similar experience. Yes, it has been on my mind for 19 yrs now. No, I would not want to get invovled in any way this late in the game. I never knew for sure it it was mine, and still do not. I do not like to be reminded of the person that I was when I was young. It serves no purpose to know anything about this person if it was mine. It would only bring hurt to all people invovled including the child/adult.
The names have been changed to protect the inoccent.
posted on October 7, 2001 08:36:27 AM
I can't Really Speak On that subject, But back in the 70's I dated this girl Might say I pretty much lived with her since I seen more of her house then I did my own in them years about 5 years I was 17 at the time.
Over time she and her familly moved away we lost contact with each other She went on to college and I went on with my life.
In sept of 87 My wife was due for our second baby went in to labor while I was at work I work about 100 miles from home any how I got a call she was on her way to the hospital in labor I met them at the hospital about 90 mins or so after she got there.
When I arrived and entered labor and delivery what did I find My ex-girl friend was the nurse by her side my wife was in labor near 20 hours they decided to do a c- section and my Ex girl friend went in with her dureing the C-setion as a labor coach.
I have to say it was one of the most nervous days of my life things did work out ok But mostly in good humor my wife has not let me forget that day over the 14 years.
Mind you this also was within the same week of the freak oct snow storm in the northeast and was without power at home for 17 days on top of everything else.
posted on October 7, 2001 09:31:52 AM
If someone has your child - ignores you for 20 years and then rings you up like it is no big deal you have defined someone who can not be labeled as anything BUT a flake.
I never put myself in that position and can not imaigine it anymore than I can imaigine robbing banks. Just not a thing I do.
posted on October 7, 2001 09:37:41 AM
OK, let's say since I am not a male ... I will take the side of the family of the 20 year old.
Obviously there has been a man there that has loved the child for 20 years, stepping in as the father. That man loves the child, the child loves that man.
The family loves the child as much as all the others, and the child loves that family.
For many years there have been sly remarks from others, little comments from relatives here and there ....
The child knows the real scoop, the family knows the real scoop. No one cares.
But maybe the child just wants the opportunity to know who this man is, to know who he looks like.
Obviously, at that age there are no strings attached.
So what would I think of a man who won't take to meet an adult child they fathered?
SPINELESS!
Not that I have any experience with this sort of thing
posted on October 7, 2001 09:46:31 AMGravid: In this scenario, the GUY left the girl, not vice versa. But she chose to raise the child herself, and not screw up the guy's life by involving him. In other words, he got off scott free.
Becky: One correction. From what I understand of this situation, no one knows except the father and mother of the child. The mother married someone else and allowed him to think it was his child.
Also, the mother isn't asking the child and father to meet. She does not want to expose this man as the father. From what I understand, she merely wanted to let him know her whereabouts (in case he had been looking for her all these years).
And by the way, your opinion was what the majority of the people at work thought, too. I also think you're right on this, but I'm not a guy.
posted on October 7, 2001 10:51:54 AM
I'm not a man---but a child (even a grown child) should have the opportunity to know who their father is (if possible).
What the relationship will be --will be up to the child and father/ but the father should definitely give the child the time and effort to know them
I would not be so sure others don't know ... or suspect. You would be surprised how mean people can be. Also, it is amazing how people react to little "comments".
Didn't the child ever wonder why they don't look like the rest of the family? Do you think the relatives didn't notice how much this particular child looks like Jimmy the Milkman?
Take a good look at Prince Harry ... and the man Princess Diana "supposedly" had an affair with. I think after you compare photos you would drop the "supposedly". That is in no way meant to demean the memory of that wonderful woman, just to make a point that we can all relate to.
I still firmly stand behind my SPINELESS categorization. Especially since he is not even expected to meet the adult child.
posted on October 7, 2001 08:35:15 PM
" From what I understand of this situation, no one knows except the father and mother of the child. The mother married someone else and allowed him to think it was his child."
Question #1:
Has this been on your mind for the last 20 years?
Yes it would. I would not have made contact because, It could have very well have hurt the child. The man she married IS the Father in the child's heart.
Question #2
You suddenly get an e-mail from this woman saying "It's been 20+ years, I have no hidden agendas, I just wanted to give you the opportunity to find out what has gone on for the past 20 years with your child."
Should the child be happy & healthy I would not want to know anything other than that. I'm no longer the child's father. The real father would be her Husband, not I.
If the Child should be in need, then that would be another answer.
I will say one thing, if the child is happy, this lady would taking one HELL of a chance in destroying her life. She is showing very little responsibilty & respect for the husband and child.
