posted on December 10, 2001 09:02:11 AM
From our daughter-in-law in Silicon Valley, this one is making the rounds. A must-read!
Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little
thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
<br />Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy
<br />inside just thinking about it.
<br />
<br />Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across
<br />the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift
<br />to us all.
<br />
<br />Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
<br />gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
<br />match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
<br />
<br />We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock
<br />dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of
<br />the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday
<br />sauce,
<br />spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure
<br />out what to do with
<br />it.
<br />
<br />OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
<br />all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
<br />week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her
<br />ego.
<br />
<br />We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
<br />ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
<br />Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,
<br />she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow,
<br />noted
<br />that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well
<br />lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me
<br />years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn
<br />and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What
<br />next?
<br />The coffee maker?
<br />
<br />In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
<br />entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
<br />neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
<br />qualifies as "put away" in my house!
<br />
<br />Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
<br />"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
<br />Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy
<br />about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
<br />such
<br />frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
<br />
<br />She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says
<br />her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a
<br />monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha:
<br />"Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift
<br />past
<br />the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They
<br />step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed
<br />
<br />chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of
<br />toilet bowl sanitation.
<br />
<br />Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
<br />people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright and
<br /> Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: after she
<br />bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me
<br />buy
<br /> them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides
<br />to jump off a bridge.
<br />
<br />A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to
<br />rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
<br />This
<br />confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too
<br />much
<br />time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
<br />If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
<br />friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library.
<br />It
<br />didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price is
<br />friendship, right?
<br />
<br />When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm
<br /> doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.
<br />You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at
<br />this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held
<br />back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.
<br />Never lower your standards," says Martha.
<br />
<br />And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
<br />"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
<br />tacky little
<br /> lives.
<br />
<br />There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
<br />smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You
<br />probably want to smack her yourself. <br />
[ edited by roadsmith on Dec 10, 2001 09:03 AM ]
[ edited by roadsmith on Dec 10, 2001 09:05 AM ]