posted on December 18, 2002 11:28:01 PM new
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press
conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the
works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of
Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive
for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service
during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the
conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in
Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more
generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether
Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after
having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All
sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as
well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all
concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful
