posted on September 14, 2003 12:30:27 PM new
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids .... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." -- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row... just like Clinton." -- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for his guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there. She'll get his money. He'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." -- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison right here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" -- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." -- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." - Jay Leno
posted on September 14, 2003 02:08:37 PM new
If anyone can find an old man with lots of money and is ready to die, it is Anna Nicole Smith. Put her in charge of finding Osama Bin Laden.
posted on September 14, 2003 02:20:59 PM new
"Al Jazeera aired new footage of Osama bin Laden ... It's the usual stuff. Called Bush evil, called him the Great Satan, called him a warmonger. The same stuff we heard last night at the Democratic presidential debate."
- Tonight Show host Jay Leno, 9/9/03
"A bill allowing illegal immigrants from anywhere in the world to receive drivers licenses was passed by the California state assembly. And if you snuck in the country from the Middle East they'll not only give you a drivers license, they'll throw in a pilot's license too."
- Tonight Show host Jay Leno
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
