posted on March 2, 2005 10:10:32 AM
WASHINGTON, DC --- New DNC leader, Howard Dean, announced today that the party has hired Jane Goodall, the world-famous chimpanzee researcher, to come back from the jungles and research Red Staters for the Democratic Party. After years of being baffled by who these people are, the Democrats decided to hire an expert to research the strange creatures.
"I think this will ensure we know how to create propaganda for these Red Staters," said Dean. "No one in our party has ever studied them. Who are they? What do they think? Where do they go? What makes them tick? We're completely clueless on the topic, and Dr. Goodall should be able to spend the next three years shedding light on the topic for us. It's critical for our political future. Critical! AaaaaayyyyyyaaaaahhhhhhhHHHHH!!!!"
Dr. Goodall is looking forward to the project. "This is a unique opportunity for me to put my skills to work in a different area," said Goodall. "I understand from what little I know of these creatures that many of them go to a place known as a church on a weekly basis. That's fascinating. They also help one another instead of relying upon an outside government to do it for them. And I understand that many of the female Red Staters actually stay home with their young offspring while the male goes off to support the family structure. And it's an odd family structure at that. One male. One female. Very rarely is there a diversion from that. I've even heard rumors that these creatures use guns for protection and to hunt for food instead of using them for criminal activity. And they love some strange place called 'America' I think. I'll only know what is true once I immerse myself into their community."
Dr. Goodall plans to spend several months observing from a distance, gaining the trust of Red Staters. Her hope is to eventually be accepted as one of them in order to more fully understand their way of life. Democrats have high hopes that this research will finally allow them to understand Red Staters so that Hillary Clinton can complete her makeover in time for the election.
About the Writer: Jeremy Robb is a San Francisco resident and satirist who notes that he is on a "one man's jihad against liberalism." He is the editor of the "Jerhad!com Newsletter" and his website is at http://www.jerhad.com. Jeremy receives e-mail at [email protected].
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
