posted on April 6, 2005 05:27:13 AM new
I'm posting this here just in case by some miracle (or word of mouth), my former sister-in-law reads this. Maybe it will wake up some other parents as well.
My brother (we'll call him Sam), was laid off about six months ago. It's been a tough go trying to find a job at comparable pay. Most have been less than what he receives on unemployment. Anyway, his ex (we'll call her Mary) remarried about five years ago. She and Sam have a 15 year old daughter (we'll call her Jane). In the meantime, Mary had another daughter with her new husband and has one on the way. They live in a nice house in a nice suburb.
Typical of 15 year old girls, Jane can be a handful at times often expressing her desire to be independent. IOW, she breaks the rules. Nothing major, though. On Saturday, her stepfather told her after an argument: "I don't want you, your mother doesn't want you, your grandparents don't want you and your father doesn't want you. Nobody wants you. You either leave here and go live with your father, or I'm going to divorce your mother". All of this was said in front of Mary who offered no defense of her daughter and actually agreed with him. The stepfather repeated these words in front of my brother who wanted to sock this man, but held back.
Sam got a phone call that day and hurried to this nice suburb to pick up his MUCH LOVED daughter, Jane. Both Sam and Jane thought that maybe the stepfather was just over-reacting to Jane staying out 1/2 hour past curfew. (OOOh, 1/2 hour. Let's hang her.) On Sunday, Jane called her mother, Mary, who in turn told Jane she didn't want her back because she doesn't want her husband to leave. Jane was hurt and hurt deeply. Thrown away over a man. My brother, Sam, then decided that Jane would live with him. They'd go to the court on Monday and get temporary custody until a court date could be set for permanent custody. In the meantime, since there's less than three months left of school, he'd take her to the school she's been going to. They'd go to the mother's house and pick up Jane's clothing and personal items.
Well, they arrived at Mary's house only to be told by Mary, "I bought the clothes and she (Jane) can't have any of them. I'd rather give them away". So, here's a 15 year old young lady who was not only thrown away by her mother, but also denied her personal clothing and belongings. What a heart this woman has. Of course, the court was told of this on Monday and said there's nothing they can do. Take the police. If the mother won't release the clothing a report can be filed and it can be used in court against Mary at the custody hearing.
Well, this is a message to Mary - never mind about Jane's clothes or personal hygiene items. She has a family here who loves and supports her. We've taken her out and bought her what she needs. Her cousin is giving her a bed and a friend of mine is giving her a comforter set (Thanks a whole bunch! You know who you are!!). We bought her new clothes and we bought her her hygiene items. You couldn't even give her a change of underwear. They may not be as nice as what you bought, but she's grateful for them. You have lost the most precious gift God could have given you - your first born. Your daughter. One day, Mary, it will eat you alive. Enjoy what remains of your happy home life because you reap what you sow.
Thanks all who read this story! Since Mary won't talk to me personally, I'm hoping to point her in this direction somehow. Your comments are welcome. My brother is thinking about taking Jane to counseling since this is bound to have a deep impact on her. She was in tears when I took her out to dinner last night. She couldn't believe that we love her so much. How sad is that? A girl, especially at 15, needs her mother and needs to know she'll be there if she does get into trouble. No wonder our youth is such a mess.
The life of a step child can be an enormous challenge especially when other children start entering the picture. I was one and I know that in some cases, the acceptance of a step child changes once full biological children start coming. They often times become the scapegoat for problems within the family. My stepfather was no exception. So, if you have stepchildren, try to remember that they are struggling, too. They struggle for acceptance and if they don't feel they're getting it, they will act out.
Cheryl
[ edited by CBlev65252 on Apr 6, 2005 10:16 AM ]
posted on April 6, 2005 06:12:13 AM new
I thought "Jane" was the daughter?
Anyway, I would have to say that the mother will regret her decision one day, but right now with another little one and another on the way, she knows that letting her husband go would be worse.
I have a feeling though that this isn't the whole story with the stepfather and step daughter but there must of been something before.
It is a very sad situation, but it sounds like the daughter will be better off with the father.
Time will tell.
She is better off with her father. She has a great support system here. My brother and I talked this morning and he has set up a counseling session for the both of them. He even asked the mother to join them, but she won't. The biggest problem is that her mother was very unattentive her whole life. She pretty much allowed my niece to do what she wanted, when she wanted while she (the mother) galavanted around. Now that it has caused some problems, it's easier to toss her aside than it is to try to fix the problem. My brother will be strict with her and that's what she needs.
She'll have plenty of female influences between her cousins and me. She knows that I went through some of the same things that she is going through and that will help.
posted on April 6, 2005 10:13:45 AM new
"Thanks all who read this story! Since Jane won't talk to me personally"
This is a sad story-but Im a little confused.Why wont Jane talk to you????
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My sex life isnt dead yet....but the buzzards are circling
posted on April 6, 2005 10:17:26 AM new
Oops, I mean "Mary". I'm soooooo confused. It was a long night. My niece had us out for four hours shopping! I thought maybe an hour, two at the most. I forgot what teenage girls and shopping is like! LOL!
posted on April 6, 2005 11:05:53 AM new
This situation, like many family situations, is complex and likely has many layers that are really only understood by the family members. I agree with Washingtonebayer that there is liklely more than meets the eye here but that isn't my reason for responding in this thread. My question to Cheryl is what is it you'd like to see happen? You say:
"She is better off with her father. She has a great support system here"
so it seems (and I could be wrong) that this is the best thing for Jane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not flaming, only asking. Your post seems to be directed at Mary in the hopes she sees it but I'm not sure what message you are trying to convey to her or the reasons for conveying it.
posted on April 6, 2005 12:49:36 PM new
Aren't some family members mental, Cheryl?
Isn't it against the law to kick out a minor? Mary is still responsible for 50% of her (Jane's) upkeep until she's 18, no matter where she lives, unless your laws are different.
Sounds to me like Mary has some issues. If her new husband would leave over something like this, her relationship with him isn't very stable. To me, that sounds like the real problem Cheryl.
My brother intends to ask for child support just as he's been paying it all this time. In the meantime, we're all going to help out. It could be a while before he sees support.
fiset
There is only one thing I've heard "Jane's" mother called and that starts with a B and ends with an H, even by her own mother. Maybe the issues started there, in my ex sister-in-law's home. The cycle has to be broken somewhere and hopefully it will be broken here. The road is certainly not going to be an easy one. I know first hand how hard raising a teenage girl can be. Not only was I one at one time, I raised one. That's where the colored over gray hairs came from.
posted on April 6, 2005 01:56:42 PM new
Cheryl, God! This sounds GREAT that she is out of that house!
What kind of mother is right!
Man, there is no way in hell I would put any man in my life over my girls, no way!
I hope counseling and being with her fathers side of the family will help.
Good luck!
(I remember when mine were teens, and don't think I could do that again either! but we all do what we have to do, and in this case this is the best thing )
posted on April 6, 2005 05:25:09 PM new
"Jane's" father did the only thing and retrieved his daughter from an uncaring home.
Imagine how upset the new hubby is going to be when he realizes that monthly check will no longer be in the mail.....
Mary will soon learn that husbands come and go, and this one will more than likely go someday when things won't go his way, but your children are a part of you.
posted on April 6, 2005 05:50:59 PM new
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free......You either married it or gave birth to it.
posted on April 7, 2005 04:59:16 AM new
twig125silver, maybe that is the cause of all this, no check coming in?
Cheryl did say her brother was out of work. If it is that is really lame.
I still believe this mother will rue the day she allowed this.
posted on April 7, 2005 05:09:37 AM new
It is wonderful that your brother has you and your family as a support group! What a sad situation your brother has to deal with. However, if he was paying child support, his daughter should be allowed to retrieve her personal belongings as his child support payments helped to buy them. I know in California this is the case as my husband's ex-wife tried to pull the same cr*p.
I married my husband in 1991 and his 3 children came with the package as did my 3 children and my 17 year old step daughter from my previuos marriage. My husband's family just could not understand why my ex-husband's daughter still lived with me (neither her mother nor her father wanted her and she had lived with me for 16 years ever since she was an infant. My husband's family still doesn't acknowledge that she exists, and pretty much treats my children as second class citizens, but my husband is one of the most caring men on the face of the earth.
I'm not saying that there wasn't trials, but we worked them out. And nothing could ever make me pick between my husband and my kids. Any man, in my opinion, that makes a woman choose is still a child himself and down the road he may find something else to give your ex sister in law grief about.
All seven of the children are grown now the "baby" is 22 and I have to say I don't know if I have the energy needed to go through those teenage years again! One of my granddaughters is 9 (going on 17, hehehe) and I know when she comes for the weekend by the time she leaves I am exhausted, but I LOVE it!
I had a wonderful stepfather who married my mother when I was 14 and I learned alot about how to deal with stepchildren from him. I was extremely lucky as I heard "step-horror" stories from some of my friends in high school.
posted on April 7, 2005 05:54:49 AM new
minniestuff
That was a wonderful story. I'm glad things worked out so well for you. Just goes to show that you don't have to be the biologically connected to be a good and loving parent.
He was paying her child support (although not the full amount) even when he got laid off. He sent her what he could often going without food and eating at my house! She will get her clothes back, but it will probably have to be through the courts and that could take three months or more according to the papers my brother showed me. Ah, perhaps a call to Judge Judy? LOL!
Anyway, we are still hopeful that my niece and her mother can patch things up. My niece still wants to live with her father and he welcomes that. They both need each other at this point. My brother sometimes suffers from depression and I think my niece being there will be a good thing for him. He already seems livelier and more excited about the future!
posted on April 7, 2005 08:21:45 AM new
In some ways I feel for this mother. Right now she is so afraid of being alone that she will sacrifice anything to avoid it. In the back of her mind she's sure that her daughter will always be there but she's not so sure about this man and so she's putting her energy where she thinks it's most needed to and in order to avoid conflict with him, she's going with whatever he says. She's probably been living with a few years of conflict between her daughter and her husband in a house that has become an emotional warzone and is worn down from being caught in the middle. Without putting much thought into the long term repercussions, she has done what she thought would be the best thing for everyone and will finally allow her to have a little peace.
Or at least thats the explanation that I was given a couple years ago when my mother and I made peace again almost 20 years after we played out a similar scenario.
It's good that your brother is there to take care of her and that that he is smart enough to know that counseling is important. There something really damaging to the psyche when a parent chooses an outsider over their own child but no teenager is ever freely going to admit that. Having someone to yell scream and break down too will probably be a very healing thing.
BTW - Berating the mother at this point is not going to do a lick of good. She's either going to come to her senses with a river of regret of her own accord or she never will but it's something that is going to happen by itself and in it's own sweet time and turning everything into conflict is only going to make her more determined to stand behind her current actions even though, in her heart, she knows they are wrong.
Of course, she could just be a self centered narcissistic b*tch who could not care less but then there isn't a whole lot of point in confronting those types either.
Best of luck and much love to your niece Cheryl. Take good care of her.
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If it's really "common" sense, why do so few people actually have it?
posted on April 7, 2005 12:39:28 PM new
What an awful story but thank goodness your brother was there. I would keep "Jane" away from that household as going back there would be very harmful psychologically. When it comes time for the child support to be determined, tell the court exactly what happened and why Jane should not go back there even for a visit.
Put the rest of it out of your mind. It's just so much mental baggage to hope you can eventually shame your ex- sister in law into regretting her actions. She's a class A #*!@ and you'll just end up hurting yourself trying to get even. Don't think she'll ever regret her actions, because she won't.
Jane has a long row to hoe to get back her self-confidence. It sounds like the story has a happy ending. Good luck.
posted on April 7, 2005 02:33:40 PM newOf course, she could just be a self centered narcissistic b*tch who could not care less but then there isn't a whole lot of point in confronting those types either.
fenix
You hit the nail right on the head! Couldn't have said it better myself.
posted on April 7, 2005 03:20:15 PM new
Yeah, what is it about stepfathers anyway? I've read that they're biologically wired to reject another man's "seed." I know that's not true in all cases.
I've also read that girls who are blooming and blossoming are sometimes a real temptation for a stepfather and the man can feel so much tension over it that he acts out in rejecting ways.
And we alllllll know how tough it can be to raise a teenage daughter! Especially age 15. But I agree that no 2nd husband is worth losing a daughter for.
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posted on April 10, 2005 08:19:53 PM new
Good for the stepfather. Sounds like the 15 year old needed a great big wake up call because of her complete defiance of authority. With any luck, the daughter will realize her short comings and appologize to the mother and start behaving again. If the father doesn't support the this action, he is only setting up the daughter for a much harder and likely crime filled future. Hopefully she can learn the lesson now while the consequences are fairly cheap as opposed to later in life when the consequences will be much more harsh.
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Alive in 2005
