posted on August 11, 2000 09:41:04 AM new
I'm not sure this is the right place for this, and not on EO.
I'll just go ahead and do it, and any of you can tell me if its the wrong place.
I have a 'friend' and hell, she may read these boards.... oh well.. First off, we knew each other right out of high school, and a couple years ago, she looked me up, I had moved out of state for a couple years...
Found she had a computer and all, they were having money probs etc.... I had been on ebay...so I told her about it. Helped her thru everything...she got a camera, I helped her set up ftp, how to work the photo software etc....I went to get my bus. license, she said she would too..thats fine, whatever, then she started finding out where I got things, ok whatever..
I also gave her... and shouldn't of, the copy of the auction program I use, and its IN my name, since I beta tested for John S. I recieved them free, and the newest.
Well, went to a lot of time and effort building a 'studio'... backgrounds etc, got a Mavica. Took some pretty good pics of things. Well happened to look at her list, and there is my pics.... yeah another 'stolen pic' thing, BUT, she calls me and is laughing, and said, hey I took your pic.... ha ha..... I didn't say anything... not sure why, well I know why, she was dx'ed with Hep C and all this, and her husband and her were telling me how bad it was, her husband telling me to be 'gentle' with her etc.... ok....
Well she was doing it again, one of the best pics I had, and in her description? she puts:
My picture does not do this piece justice.
Huh? I about had a fit, but then! she needs to go to the hospital etc....so I don't say anything. (no she is taking the picture, not linking it from my ftp) So, I started putting text in all of them.... of website. She asked me why! I told her to advertise.
She comes over all the time.. I have left the room, to use the bathroom or something? and she is on one of the 3 computer here.... and she found my bookmark, for a company I use, when I walked into the office, she was finishing up writing it down, and shutting down the computer.
No, she is no friend.... I just don't know how to deal with it. She is demanding, she can be very irrational, and mean, and I've been told because she is sick.. so that is why I don't do anything. She also has a temper, she said she 'blacks out' when pissed off, and had her 19 yr old daughter in a choke old, after punching her, the daughter left home that day. She did same to her husband, she is a large woman, so I really don't want to mess with her, does that make me a wuss, I guess.... my brother just told me, the best thing, is for ME TO MOVE.... we live in the same area. She will come over, knock on the door, since I started locking it all the time, before, she would walk in. One day I was gone, but my jeep was here, she was walking around the house knocking on all windows etc, then calls my cell phone from her cell phone.... and says 'where the hell are you?' thats when I did get mad I was 60 miles going north on the freeway,up to see my daughter at school! I hate putting anything on auction, I either get email or phone call, asking, sarcastically, 'where did you get that piece of sh*t' or some rude comment. She even admitted that its a competition!
And then proceeded to go to antique stores, and buy high end items and put them on ebay! and always seems to lose out.
I know anyone will say to tell her to f*ck off etc..... its not that easy with this person... I'm at a loss.... until I move, I really want to.... since kids are grown, I have grown to this love/hate thing of Seattle, I was born and raised here, but I would like to move, do have a lease on this house, but I would love a small town.. something, its not only to get away from her, its for me..... ok I vented big time...
sorry!
Shelly
edited to add: this isn't quite the last straw, just a couple days ago, she BID on one of my auctions, and must of put a high proxy in, and won! And then proceeded AGAIN on the phone, how they were so broke, garnished wages etc..... !!! and yes I have lent them money before, big mistake.... but it was for 'medication' (I thought, she told me it was) and then after that loan they are going away for the weekend, new boat, new car etc (new meaning new-used car and boat)
[ edited by ShellyHerr on Aug 11, 2000 09:51 AM ]
posted on August 11, 2000 09:56:17 AM new
Wow! Heres a saying that I tell folks in this situation:
"People do to you only what you LET them do to you".
Kick her to the curb. She is NOT a friend. And tell her to quit using your pics. Sheesh girl....shes walking all over you and using sympathy as a weapon.
posted on August 11, 2000 09:57:31 AM new
Shelley,
First, welcome to RT. I'm sorry about your problem. With friends like that you sure don't need an enemy. Sounds to me that she is a user and a loser.
The only thing I can think of is to change your username and sell under a different one and tell her that you have quit selling if you don't want to upset her or contact Ebay and tell them what is going on. Maybe they will Naru her.
There are many others on here with much more experience than I and I'm sure you will hear from them.
posted on August 11, 2000 10:29:52 AM new
mauimoods yep that is what people tell me, but then, its ONE MORE PROBLEM with her, and the lastest, was yesterday, she calls.... you have to take me to the hospital next week, I'm having a liver biopsy.
what am I supposed to say to that? I don't know a lot about Hep C, I've asked, she's vague, ONLY that its so serious, that she said she had type A-1 whatever that is... and she does REFUSE her husband to go to any dr visits... so I really don't know what is going on.... about the lending money, she was about in tears (first time I saw that) and that the interferoun (sp?) was really expensive, ins wasn't going to cover it, and..... well I did lend? it to her ...
Calamity, IF I changed my user name, of which I do have another legit email.. doesn't your 'old' one show for so much time? I've thought about doing that alot...
another thing, if I reported her to safeharbor, I would probably be black and blue: being serious here..... she does have this 'problem' AND I even went and made a shrink appt for her, and went with her, and they put her on different meds... prozac etc..... for this.... but it doesn't seem to help.
She was NOT like this when we were younger, this all came about when she became sick... but most days? she is running around. and doesn't seem sick at all......
posted on August 11, 2000 11:06:28 AM new
edited to add that if this gal beats you up (getting this from your post) then she cant be all that sick. Perhaps she doesnt need a biopsy (sp?)...perhaps she needs a good butt-kickin herself.
[ edited by mauimoods on Aug 11, 2000 11:09 AM ]
[ edited by mauimoods on Aug 31, 2000 11:19 AM ]
posted on August 11, 2000 11:21:50 AM new
mauimoods-yes you could say it is co dependency, but it wasn't always like that, she used to be a real friend, thats the problem? BUT now I know all this crap, she isn't going to go back to being the way she 'used to be' yes she is using me...
I do not want to be co dependant, BUT I don't know how to go about getting her out of my life, always being a non aggressive person, probably because I haven't run into these types of people before, well except the ex sperm donor, but there, I left, he left.
I guess what I need is balls!
And about this biopsy.... after talking with some people about the whole thing, maybe she herself 'requested' it, because it wasn't 3 weeks ago, she called and told me that they needed her at the hospital to make sure SHE DIDN'T HAVE CANCER of the OVARIES???? I KNOW they don't tell you on the phone they think you have cancer. (and it ended, by my having to ask her about it, and she said, OH, no its not, but they do think it might be something else............) I understand the
hypocondriacness of this whole thing, she's got it.... and overkilling it.... but like I said, I DO need the balls to end this. Totally. Because not only is affecting my auctions, its affecting my RL too.
posted on August 11, 2000 11:33:05 AM new
No, you don't need to be "aggressive."
You need to be assertive. And most of the "action" you will need to take is - well, negative action.
You need to NOT have any contact with this woman. The person you knew is gone. If that person is to "come back," it's up to her. So...
Do not visit her.
Do not call her.
Do not return her phone calls. If you answer the phone and it's her, tell her you can't talk, and hang up. Don't say you "can't talk NOW" (implying you CAN talk LATER). Don't explain yourself futher; she won't believe any explanation. Just hang up.
Do not answer the door when she stops by. If she refuses to leave, call the cops. If she continues to harrass you, apply for a restraining order.
Do not do her any favors AT ALL.
These behavior problems have nothing to do with Hep C. The woman has a serious screw loose, and you can go to the shrink with her six times a week and it won't make a damned bit of difference because it's HER problem, and SHE has to fix it.
She is not alone living in a box; you are not her only resource. You may have a long history together, but that does not mean you have to do her bidding.
posted on August 11, 2000 11:42:43 AM new
HCQ Assertive, yes. I am going to try, and try my best! Yes I do beleive she has more than one screw loose, and I don't say that lightly...
I have problems! but I don't go into them with her.
Assertive. yes.
Now I have to go to bank and stuff, and I do, really thank you guys for listening!
posted on August 11, 2000 11:47:14 AM new
mauimoods just caught this before leaving
Wow..... it does sound like your friend is like this person! She does try to ruin ebay for me..... thats one reason I started yahoo, Wow.... I will read on that......
Oh ya know.. if it was someone else (smaller maybe ) I wouldn't care if she tried to physcially attack me....
I will look at this Munchausens Syndrome, interesting..... and sorry you went thru this......
posted on August 11, 2000 11:51:51 AM new
I recently got caught up with a friend like that, although she was not violent. She was allergic to everything (so she claims) and she claims to have all these medical problems although she never seems sick.
She begged me to help her learn how to make dolls and try to sell them on e-bay.
She unfortuneatly expected me to do all the work. I tried to tell her you can't be successful at this if you don't work on it.
But everytime I would tell her this she would disapear and then she would call and say she had been "deathly ill" the last couple of days and couldn't do any work so I needed to help her.
She has a daughter that I have never met (it was before she moved here) but she just glows when she tells people that she called the police and had her daughter thrown in rehab and then moved away while she was in there.
I got drawn in because she was so pathetic and friendless.
I ran out of patience one day when she was ranting about what a loser her daughter had been. (she is 17 now).
I asked her how what percentage of her emotional problems were caused by her parents.
She said " about 95%". I then asked what percentage of her daughters problems were caused by her. She said "Take me Home".
That was the last I heard from her.
She has a few of my expensive doll books but I figure it is worth the trade for the piece and quiet.
Sorry for the rant...
Get away from this women, stay away from her,
She sounds like a toxic and dangerous person.
If she gets even verbally abusive you can get a restraining order to show her you mean business.
There was a post on the e-bay section of
the message board a while back on how to protect your photos. If I find it again I'll post it.
When my sister had a barnacle like this attach herself to her and expect her to take her everywhere she finally started answering every request with "I'm sorry I can't I'm going to be busy that day." When they asked doing what she'd say "Personal business"
She stuck to her guns and gave the same reply every time until the barnacle was dislodged.
Good luck.
posted on August 11, 2000 12:44:44 PM new
Shelly, what a tough situation. Although I've never known anyone quite like that, I can definitely relate to you having a hard time trying to eliminate her from your life. Not wanting to hurt/anger someone is really hard, especially since you seem like a kind person.
I agree with the others - you need to get rid of her. She's having a negative impact on your life. Just grit your teeth and take the advice which has been given here, even though it will be difficult. It will pay off greatly for you.
If she assaults you,
a) that confirms she's not a friend
b) make sure she goes to jail.
posted on August 11, 2000 12:48:42 PM new
To protect your pics, slap your ebay name right across the front of it using paintshop pro or some other program...make it a clear color, so the item can still be seen, but it ruins it for those who want to "borrow" them. I dont do it myself, because I dont sell similar things...however, some bidders find the item doesnt fit the way they want and relist and on once in awhile, they will "borrow" the pic. I dont mind if they ASK first...but if I catch someone using what I labored over, I have a hissy. Anyway....FRIENDS dont make life miserable for other "friends". Stop her now, Shelly. You will be much happier.
posted on August 11, 2000 01:06:26 PM new
Here's a JavaScript you can add to your auctions which will eliminate the ability to right-click on the page and steal your pictures. It came from http://www.javascripts.com, and I've modified it only slightly to change the message.
<script language=JavaScript>
<!--
var message="Copyright 2000 ShellyHerr";
function click(e) {
if (document.all) {
if (event.button == 2) {
alert(message);
return false;
}
}
if (document.layers) {
if (e.which == 3) {
alert(message);
return false;
}
}
}
if (document.layers) {
document.captureEvents(Event.MOUSEDOWN);
}
document.onmousedown=click;
// -->
posted on August 11, 2000 01:15:24 PM new
rainybear, is that the html shelly would use in her descrip section? And if someone reading here wanted to use the same html, we would just cut and paste what you posted, but change the name to our own? I would LOVE to do that...not because they steal the pics, but because they steal my icon image that represents my sales. Can you further elaborate on how to insert this, so I can use it in mine?
posted on August 11, 2000 01:32:39 PM new
I would advise against using the javascript. It's very simple to disable javascript in your broswer and then steal the image anyway (if you're that determined) and at the same time javascript has a nasty little habit of freezing on people using old broswers or very slow connections. I don't think the value gained versus lost is really worth it. Just my 2¢.
posted on August 11, 2000 02:15:57 PM new
Maui - yes, you can just copy and paste the JavaScript into your description, substituting your name for Shelly's (or whatever phrase you'd like to use). The original script on the javascripts.com site is entitled, "No stealing my smeggin' pictures!" and that's the message that came up when someone tried to right-click.
If you use it, it can be pasted pretty much anywhere in your description, but I'd suggest putting it first, before any of your html.
James makes some good points. It's true that someone could disable JavaScript and steal your pictures anyway, but I'd venture to say that most people aren't that savvy. Heck, I have to show people at work just how to create new folders on their desktops.
I haven't heard of JavaScript freezing older browsers (although Java certainly will), but maybe that's true. Outdated browsers should just ignore the JavaScript because it's commented out like an html comment. This is such a small script that I can't imagine it hanging a system with a slow connection... then again, my old 386 with the 14.4 modem hung for just about any reason whatsoever.
Anyway, you judge the value vs. the risk. And keep in mind that the script does disable all right-click functions including View Page Source etc., and not just copying images. But it's a neat little script!
posted on August 11, 2000 02:28:38 PM newShelleyHerr: Everyone here is giving you good advice. Learn how to say "no." Keep a country mile between yourself & this woman. She will get the message when you stop returning calls, visiting, "helping", etc. But first she will do her best to make your feel as guilty as she can. Don't fall for it.
posted on August 11, 2000 02:36:24 PM new
Shelly...bless you for trying to be a friend, but tegan's choice of the word "toxic" is exactly correct. It's obvious she has learned how to manipulate and enjoys it immensely. My supervisor (and my dear friend) has Hep C and although I realize every case is different, she doesn't have any of the baggage your "friend" is toting along with her and she does not use it as an excuse for anything!
I would take all your stuff off eBay and set up an entirely new ID. Although you will start with (0) feedback, it may be worth it just to lose her. Change your auction style and make sure your location is not specific. When this blows over, you could always go back to your original ID.
You may also want to have a chat with your local law enforcement. Some police/sheriff's depts have COPPS programs (Community Oriented Policing & Problem Solving) and they are geared toward the neighborhood/personal dispute arena. They have been very helpful with some of our local issues. Anyway, you do not have to file a report of any kind. They may just have some suggestions for you as far as heading off any dangerous situations before they happen. The threat of physical violence, especially with a person who has that in their history, can be very intimidating.
It sounds like you have done everything possible to help her, but it's obviously not enough. I would suggest moving only if it is truly beneficial for you. Although, peace of mind is never a bad thing. Good Luck!!
posted on August 11, 2000 02:43:08 PM newShelly My two cents worth on the situation with your "friend."
Lots of really great advice here, but I'd also like to add that when we become used to "rescuing" another person, it can be very difficult to break the habit. As a habitual "rescuer" I've had to rethink my tendancies.
Look at it this way. Each of you has priorities in your lives. Each of you only has so much energy to expend each day. When you let her use up your energy in ridiculous ways it is the same as saying that her priorities are more important than yours.
I could understand your trying to help her if she were truly downtrodden and honestly needy. She's not - instead, she sounds for all the world like a user and one who seems to have spent a great deal of her efforts in honing that skill. I'm always amazed at the time and effort people are willing to put into being "helpless."
You mentioned that you had thought about moving - because of this and other reasons. If you do decide to do that - try not to look at it as an escape as much as it would be a new and possibly exciting adventure. My daughter likes to say perception is everything, and I agree. - Although when she says it - it sometimes annoys me.
posted on August 11, 2000 03:36:36 PM new
Change your e-mail address and consider getting an unlisted phone number.
I agree with HCQ. Be assertive rather than aggressive. An aggressive person will verbally attack and becomes defensive if attacked back. An assertive person simply states what she wants or what she feels.
For example, an aggressive person might say: "You're a terrible person for x, y and z reasons and because of that I don't want to be your friend anymore".
An assertive person, on the other hand, might simply say - "I'm sorry, our friendship is at an end. Please do not contact me any more" and not feel compelled to provide reasons or justifications for that decision. If pressed further, just keep repeating the same statement.
(P.S. - If you need practice being assertive, there are a lot of opportunities to do so here on AW message boards. )
posted on August 11, 2000 04:02:36 PM new
Another idea is to initially be really a DRAG. Always have a headache. Don't buy any groceries. Don't go to the movie with her. Tell her you are tired of ebay. Complain about feeling bad and don't talk about anything else. Tell her you have a virus and are vomiting every hour. Tell her you have a terrible sinus cold.
(This might not work with her.)
T
posted on August 11, 2000 04:20:11 PM newShelley
I am sorry you are being used by this person. Believe me, she is NO friend.
As someone who knows a LOT about HepC, let me tell you this... many, many people have it, many people have had it for years and not known it until the damage is done and they must take agressive action and many of these folks are decent and kind folks. They do not use their disease as an excuse for their bad behavior. You can live a fairly normal life with HepC for a long time. Everyone who has tested positive for HepC will eventually have to get a liver biopsy (in later stages of the disease, liver biopsy is routinely done). It is a test that is done without general anesthesia (some Drs. use a local) and is done by using a long needle to remove a VERY small tissue sample of your liver to examine to see IF and how much the HepC has damaged the liver. You are in and out of the hospital within hours. You can live 20+ years with HepC and not even know you have it. This is NO excuse for her behavior. Heck, even if she was in liver failure and needed to go on "the list" for a new liver ... that is STILL not an excuse to treat you the way she has. I know how you feel, I suffered from "doormat syndrome" for years. Then I learned that a real friend does not treat others that way. Ask yourself if you really want this person's friendship. If the answer is no .. tell her politely that while you sympathize that she is another casualty of the HepC pandemic and wish her well .. you really don't like how she has treated you and your friendship. Tell her as honestly as you can how you feel and make a break or she will continue to suck the life out of you. Some folks are toxic that way and only use illness as an excuse. You sound like a really nice person and you don't deserve that kind of treatment.
maui
Hi!
I got your "e" and devoured it - munch, munch - I loved it. I am gonna reply too, today is the first day this cold has really felt better .. think the stinker is about over.
Hope your dental hell is over soon ... I rather have 10 colds than one toothache! Heck, I rather go through labor than have a toothache I am really positive that teeth are a design flaw - they should not ache or go bad.
I hope you have a super weekend and I will ttysoon.
posted on August 11, 2000 04:36:48 PM new
Nobsy! Sorry I missed you! I fell asleep during Law and Order, lol (saw that one already anyway, so thats probably why)...yes, teeth are all done, yippee! Sorry to hear about your cold...hate summer colds. And yeah, I hear ya about being in labor rather than a toothache! LOL@"munch munch"
posted on August 11, 2000 04:43:40 PM new
Thanks all for listening and giving advice.
Yes aggressive and assertive are 2 different things, and assertive is the way to go with this person.
I was just talking to my daughter and her boyfriend about it, they know, they don't like her, they didn't know about the lending money, or stealing pictures, or getting into my bookmarks for stuff -LOL, my daughters boyfriend says MAN thats ESPIONAGE! well I guess sorta..... but if she went to the place she took, she's gonna find a long expensive road ....... its a distributor in another country, and I have talked with them, and I couldn't afford to do what it took.
Yes I have heard of Hep C people living 'normal' lives, but the way she acts about it, she said its like AIDS, in a way, I dunno..... she also takes I think its prozac and trazadone now from her shrink.
BUT I don't want to know anymore! My daughter pretty much said what all you are saying. Course my daughter is much more assertive than me! (not sure if thats a good thing or bad right now, she's all of 19)
RainyBear, Cool Javascript! Thanks, not sure I'll use it on pics, but could come in handy on a website! I've seen those before, someone showed one to me, when they right clicked something, and it gave this gray box that said Warning, and all this legal stuff!
Right at the moment, anything that I know she does have (just got a really really good deal on disney stuff, old teacups etc) I have been putting up my online site URL on the pic. Like I said before, she asked me why I was doing that, I told her: Advertising! that too but mainly it was to keep her from taking them.
YES about being a drag! I could do that, but then she would always and forever be worse off..... ya know its funny, I've had health problems too, but I've never dumped them on her.... dang! in the last 3 years, I've had a hysterectomy, a tumor (and I mean a gross mass tumor) removed, and see a therapist and dr for clinical depression, but NEVER talk about it with her. No she doesn't go or went with me to any of these things, I didn't ask her, nor did I want her too. And I'm fine now. But I literally had to call the shrink for her, and it was my drs partner too, when she said she had depression etc..... acccccck .... OK
posted on August 11, 2000 05:26:36 PM new
Shelly, you go girl! If you start to waiver again, just come back here and read this thread again. Helps to have folks prod you to help yourself, yes? Your daughter may be 19, but shes a smart gal!
posted on August 12, 2000 10:38:41 PM new
Shelly....
I hear Lake Stevens is really nice! That would be one way to get away..lol...
The Java script idea will PROBABLY work for you on the picture thing, but that is NOT going to keep this person from disrupting your life.
Follow the advice you have recieved so far, and try to break your ties with this "friend". If she continues to bother you AFTER you have asked her to leave you alone, there are legal recourses available to you.
I know this seems a harsh thing to do to a former friend, and neighbor, but Shelly needs to look out for SHELLY...hang in there!!!
Keith
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except
the ones that are someone else's fault.
. Vent away...it feels good to share, yes?
)
I am really positive that teeth are a design flaw - they should not ache or go bad.