posted on June 27, 2005 07:17:58 PM new
I DONT CARE WHAT YOUR LEANINGS ARE ... THIS IS FUNNY
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much
worse than usual.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars,
so he rolled down his window and asked,
"Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replied, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told
her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a
collection for her.
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a
men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see..size
36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34
underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6
Second opinion PRICELES
posted on June 27, 2005 07:33:35 PM new
Okay..don't know if this one has already been posted in the original joke thread or not..
Mejibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer
said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.' "
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at a Telus help desk.
posted on June 27, 2005 08:37:49 PM new
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on June 27, 2005 08:41:20 PM new
Jay Leno....Deep Throat was the biggest mystery in Washington since how the Clintons stayed together.
The Deep Throat incident was about the Watergate break in, when the Republicans broke into the Watergate hotel to see what the Democrats were up
to. You see, back in those days the Democrats actually had ideas worth stealing. ....
---
Trust me, I'm a Senator: "I am focused on winning re-election. That is what I work on every single day, just as I have worked my heart out for the last four years. ... I'm not even, you know, remotely considering [a 2008 presidential
candidacy]. ... I'm focused on '06." --Hillary Clinton, who is definitely already running for president.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on June 27, 2005 08:55:06 PM new
Whoo! Whoo! You're hot tonight Bear!
Careful now.. Crow might have a voodo doll with your name on it...so you might feel an unexpected pin prick tonight!
Good One Kraft...I think..LOL
Edited to add Pin before prick! LOL
[ edited by maggiemuggins on Jun 27, 2005 09:25 PM ]
posted on June 28, 2005 03:53:49 PM new
The Bronze Rat
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
>Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner.
"How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner. The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the
story."
As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming towards her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop.
"Aha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story."
"Actually no," says the woman. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
posted on June 28, 2005 05:38:06 PM new
maggie- I want one! That's cool!
ron- Are you implying the only way the Democrats will win an election is to kill off the Republicans?
I can think of countless people who could be substituted and not get anyone's underwear in a twist...Lawyers come to mind, or Human Resources personnel, the IRS, etc.
posted on June 28, 2005 08:15:38 PM new
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard to get him to swallow the pill!"
------
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on June 29, 2005 05:40:16 AM new
One day at church the Minister was preaching on forgiveness. Toward the
end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven
your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his
question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any" she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Ron
[ edited by WashingtoneBayer on Jun 29, 2005 05:49 AM ]
posted on June 30, 2005 10:19:08 AM new
Hillary at the Pearly Gates
"Where am I? What is this place?"
"Mrs. Clinton?"
"Yes ... who are you? What is this place?"
"My name is Peter. I'm the doorman here."
"Well, open the door then. And it's Sen. Clinton, if you don't mind."
"Well, I don't mind, Sen. Clinton. The truth is, we don't pay much attention to those things up here."
"You will when I get in here. Now where exactly is 'here' anyway? Where am I, how'd I get here, and why haven't you opened that dam--- door?"
"Mrs. ... excuse me, Sen. Clinton, we've been expecting you, of course, but not quite this soon. There are just a few formalities ..."
"You still haven't told me where I am. And why isn't there anyone else around?"
"It's actually quite a cause for celebration, Mrs ... er, Sen. Clinton. You see, it's your birthday, so to speak, into eternity!"
"You're talking nonsense. Everybody knows we evolved from the big bang or some noise or other, that she who dies with the most toys wins, and when it's over, it's over."
"But as you see, that's not the case."
"Are you saying that I'm dead?"
"We prefer the 'birthday into eternity' metaphor here."
"You still haven't told me – where, exactly, is 'here?'"
"Where do you think you are, Mrs. Clinton?"
"Are you trying to tell me all those Neanderthal, Bible-thumping, right-wing fundamentalists were right? Oh, God!"
"We'll get to that in a moment, Sen. Clinton. But as I mentioned, before I can open the door there are just a few formalities."
"Just open the d--- door!"
"Not until we've established your credentials."
"Everybody here knows who I am! I have an army of people working full time telling the world who I am and all the wonderful things I do for others. They're very good at what they do – well, most of them – but they're not cheap. Just ask the taxpayers."
"I'm sure that's true, Mrs. Senator, I mean Sen. Mrs. ... Sen. Clinton. That's not actually the issue. There's just a short – it's actually just a true or false – questionnaire that you have to fill out ..."
"Give me that piece of paper! Hmmm ... just as I thought. More fundamentalist claptrap! Don't you people know about separation of church and state? I don't have to put up with this. This is unconstitutional! Now Peter, you're going to open that d--- door and take me to whoever is running this place. This is no way to treat a dignitary!"
"I'm sorry; I can't do that."
"And why not?"
"Your name's not on the list."
"What in the world are you talking about. My name is on everything from Emily's List on down, which means that it's on every list that matters in this world. You can't ..."
"Sen. Clinton ... our Father has ordered that only the people He already knows are to be allowed to enter through this door."
"You said, 'your father.' So you're not just the doorman around here. You've actually got some clout."
"I'm well-known, in certain circles."
"Peter, I'm a lawyer. So don't try to pull one over on me. I know there are always exceptions. Always. I'll bet you can't tell me with a straight face that that piece of paper that I just crumpled up and stomped on with those few silly questions on it was the only way to get inside here. And just remember, Peter, it's always wrong to lie – especially to someone in the government."
"Well, er ... ah ... it is true that there have been a handful of people who have sought to have their case heard directly ..."
"That's me, Peter! Now we're getting somewhere. The rules are never for the people who really matter, they're for everybody else. Tell me how it works."
"Well, it's a courtroom setting ..."
"Excellent!"
"But the Judge is allowed to ask questions directly."
"Oh, not so good. What kind of questions? Wait a minute – he's not going to ask anything that was on that silly list, is he?"
"Oh, no, Mrs. ... Senator. You're well beyond that list."
"Good. When can I see him?"
"I'll have to get back to you on that."
"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"
"Have a look around at the alternative destination while you prepare your arguments."
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on July 11, 2005 05:00:04 AM new
Cool car!!
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this! He said, Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "A##HOLES!" I yelled.....
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....
posted on July 11, 2005 06:39:59 PM new
Sitting on the side of the road, waiting to catch speeders, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices there are five elderly ladies- two in the front and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarassed, the womam grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car all right? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh they'll be all right in a minute. We just got off route 127."
posted on July 12, 2005 12:10:24 PM new
Subject: A Southern Story
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she
noticed a young man fixen {getting ready} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please, don't jump; think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well, bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
posted on July 12, 2005 02:48:26 PM new
While visiting his niece, elderly Uncle Geezer had a serious stroke.
The niece drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the niece, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "we've never had a Democrat in the family before."
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
