posted on August 20, 2005 07:01:28 PM
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".
posted on August 20, 2005 07:40:41 PM
"Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying that Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting violence against Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an endangered species." —Jay Leno
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"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn
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"Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'" —David Letterman
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"The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the sight of their 2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in September. This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face mathematical elimination together." —Jay Leno
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"It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to believe just ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead the Democratic party was alive." —Jay Leno
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"Because the election was such a disaster for the Democrats, it looks like the leader of the party might be stepping down. But enough about Barbra Streisand."
—Jay Leno
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"In Ohio, some people will be going to the polls to re-elect disgraced Congressman James Trafficant, even though he's currently in prison. I guess if he's a congressman and already in jail, it saves a step." —Jay Leno
posted on August 20, 2005 07:46:05 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Former President Bill Clinton was walking down the street and sees these kittens in a pet store window. He asks the owner, "What kind of kittens are these?"
The owner replied "They're Democrats."
The next week Bill is walking down the street with His wife and sees the kittens and tells Hilary, "You gotta' see this!"
Bill walks up to the store owner and asks, "What kind of kittens are these?"
"Republicans" the store owner replies.
"But last week you said they were democrats! Whats the difference between them then and now?" Bill proclaims.
"They opened their eyes." The store owner responds.
posted on August 20, 2005 07:54:54 PM
"Did you see Carter and Castro meeting together — dining together? The last time a president embraced a Cuban like that he got impeached." —Jay Leno
"The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out of Monica." —Jay Leno
"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." —David Letterman
"It seems Monica Lewinsky is on the loose again, teaming up with HBO to do a documentary about her affair with Bill Clinton. It's not really a documentary. It will be more of an oral history." —Jay Leno
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." —Jay Leno
"It seems former Attorney General Janet Reno may run for Governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. She could be tough to beat, she has a great slogan, 'Janet Reno, Best Man For The Job.' ... They asked her about the rumors that Jeb Bush may have had an affair with a former Playboy Playmate Janet Reno said, 'That lucky son-of-a-gun.'" —Jay Leno
"Janet Reno lost the democratic primary. When asked about it, Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Janet Reno lost the primary election for governor down there in Florida. They think what hurt her were the allegations of steroid abuse." —David Letterman
"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno
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"There's already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they're already hard at work planning to lose the next one." —Bill Maher
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"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno
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"According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey
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"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer.
This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." —Jay Leno
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"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead.
In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" —Craig Kilborn
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"Hillary said that when she first set eyes on Bill Clinton back in college he had a beard and he reminded her of a Viking, which is perfect because she reminded him of Iceland. ... Like a Viking, he is still out conquering and exploring virgin territory." —Jay Leno
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"According to USA Today, former President Clinton has already read his wife's new book five times. In fact, the former president has now spent more time in bed with the book than he has with Hillary." —Conan O'Brien
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"The A&E network has announced they are making a two hour movie about Hillary Clinton's days in the White House. And of course they haven't come up with a title yet. These are some of the titles they are considering: 'She's too fat, I'm too furious,' 'Dude, Where's my husband?' 'Ken Starr Wars,' 'Bend it like Monica,' 'Crouching Monica, Hidden Cigar,' 'My husband spent Hanukkah in Monica.'" —Jay Leno
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"Hillary also said in the book it was a challenge to forgive Bill, but she figured if Nelson Mandela could forgive, she could give it a try. Isn't that amazing? I didn't know Clinton hit on Mandela's wife." —Jay Leno
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"Hillary said that one of the reasons she stayed with Bill so long is because no one can make her laugh like he does, especially when he says stuff like, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" —Jay Leno
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"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling.
Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other." —Craig Kilborn
posted on August 20, 2005 08:48:23 PM
"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." —David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about his affair, she wanted to, quote, 'Wring his neck.' Hillary decided against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm." —Conan O'Brien
"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!" —Craig Kilborn
"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back." —Jay Leno
"It's a fascinating book. Hillary said that after Clinton admitted to the affair she yelled at him. She said 'Why did you lie to me?' And he said 'You mean this time?'" —Jay Leno
"In her new book, Hillary said that for months she accepted Bill Clinton's story that Monica was just an intern who would come to him asking for help in finding a job. And of course, he wasted no time in finding a position for her." —Jay Leno
"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." —David Letterman
"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." —Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." —David Letterman
"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing." —Jay Leno
