posted on October 7, 2005 12:28:12 PM new
TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.
As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."
And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.
You check for feet under the stall doors.
Every one is occupied.
Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in
to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants
and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief.
Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit
down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register
an eight on the Richter scale.
To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do.
You crumble it in the puffiest way possible.
It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.
You get up quickly, but it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,
"You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."
And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket,
then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points
out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on
your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,
"Here. You might need this."
At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed.
This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and
go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere
who have ever had to deal with a public toilet.
And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
posted on October 7, 2005 12:41:07 PM new
ROFLMHO - Yep....been there, done that too.
Now, I carry seat covers in my purse [in a tiny packet] and one of those small packages of tissues. Problem solved. As one gets older....one wants to be as prepared and comfortable as possible....and you quickly learn how to do just that.
posted on October 7, 2005 12:49:04 PM new
for a momeent,I thought you were describing having sex with your spouse !
anyway,it is old wife's tale that germs on your butts and thighs can travel and end up you know where.
Some folks in other parts of the world even believe in heat transfer,like dont just prop down in a chair when someone just got up and left.
-sig file -------
Eat grass,kick ass,never go belly up!
posted on October 7, 2005 01:57:12 PM new
ROFLMAO!!!!! That is SO true! When we are at shows, we usually have to use "outhouses" (johnnies, porta-potties....). I always have paper in my pocket! I drink so much coffee, I can't wait for the restaraunt or hotel room.
posted on October 7, 2005 02:10:07 PM new
Ok, so that explains why it takes women so long in there. I allways thought that they were stripping down to bras and panties and having slap and tickle fights in there and that's why it was taking so long ..........but please explain what is the big deal about us men putting the darn toilet seats down after we pee and why you women complain so much about it.
posted on October 7, 2005 03:08:58 PM new
I had a girlfriend who could pee standing up....and without getting a drop on herself or the toilet seat. Never watched to see just how she did that though.
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And before I'd pee on myself, I'd certainly waste no time heading right into the mens room to 'take care of business'.
posted on October 7, 2005 03:22:35 PM new
I don't think they should have to stand to take care of business but what they shouldn't do is to complain about something so inconsquential as putting down the toilet seat. With some women, I think it's a control issue and they see it as an excuse to start an arguement.
I agree with Linda and many a time I have walked past all the stupid men standing in line outside the mens room waiting for their chance to go and I walk right into the womens room and do my business but I allways knock first before walking in so I don't make anyone scream. It's funny that sometimes the other men will say hey you can't go in there and I say, oh yeah, try and stop me.
posted on October 7, 2005 05:28:15 PM newthey shouldn't do is to complain about something so inconsquential as putting down the toilet seat
Obviously you have never had to go really, really bad & in a hurry or when half-asleep and, on plopping yourself down on the john, had your tush land in the water.
If you had you'd know why we complain...
____________________
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- George W. Bush
posted on October 7, 2005 05:37:34 PM new
There's nothing worse than a woman with a wet tush especially if she's mad about it but why is that the mans fault? I mean do you think that us men only pee in the back yard or over the neighbors fence when we are out doing yardwork?
Sorry fella's, i let the cat outta the bag with that one. Just don't let your wives read this thread, ok.
posted on October 7, 2005 05:50:58 PM new
Not to mention having to put rubber gloves on before touching the toilet seat to place it down on the toilet....but worse is when men don't bother to lift the seat in the first place and pee all over it...ugh!
posted on October 7, 2005 05:58:26 PM new
That wouldn't happen if women would just be as courteous as they expect men to be and put the seat back up when they are done. Thank you for pointing that out, Maggie.
posted on October 7, 2005 06:09:11 PM new
Well, why don't men just sit down and pee and take a load off their feet, rest awhile, read a magazine or something.. problem solved.. which brings up a question...when men go potty do they wipe and then stand up and turn around and go pee?
posted on October 7, 2005 06:29:10 PM new
Yeah, I don't want to be known as a potty mouth.. but I never gave that a thought before..seems a terrible waste of energy to sit for one and then get up for the other.. LOL
posted on October 7, 2005 06:31:35 PM new
Speaking of potty mouths..where's classy?
And what happend to the Redstarrising character? Where's Logansdad? And what happened to Libra????
posted on October 7, 2005 06:48:27 PM new
"when men go potty do they wipe and then stand up and turn around and go pee?"
Speaking as a male-type person, No. The sit-down method works just fine for us too--- We're flexible that way . But if you can take care of business without sitting down, why not?
But I have to agree about putting paper down on public toilet seats. Why doesn't EVERYPLACE offer those paper circle thingies to line the seats with? When I'm out of town and find a place that has those liners, I'll usually grab a couple and fold them up, knowing I'll use them for the rest of my trip.
Nothing says "toilet-geek" like reaching into your pants pocket and pulling out a prefolded toilet seat liner!
I know, I know. I'm not going to win any macho awards for that last statement.
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Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum sonatur.
posted on October 7, 2005 08:07:05 PM new
While hiding behind a tree to pee and getting a little on the bark. I often think of the next Fido dog that will come along.
Sorry Fido peepa was here first go find your own tree.
posted on October 7, 2005 09:20:34 PM new
Joan Rivers had a whole comedy routine built around women in public restrooms--the way we get a circle thing or strips of toilet paper and gently pat them down, only to see them fly off when we turn around to sit. She was pretty funny with that.
posted on October 7, 2005 09:34:21 PM new
I'd like to know the purpose of the gap in some toilet seats ... the ones you usually see in public restrooms. What's the point of that?
It's just another place for germs and other funkies to hide, and another area that we ladies must cover with TP! LOL!
Why do public toilet seats have a break in the front?
This question is, by far, the most frequently asked question received by the museum. Toilet seats with a "break" in the front are called "open front" seats. The open front toilet seats afford the users more sanitary conditions and a greater sense of comfort than their residential closed-front cousins. The reason that the open front toilet seats are so widely used in the U.S. is due to section 409.2.2 of the Uniform Plumbing Code. The Uniform Plumbing Code is written and maintained by the International Association of Plumbing and Mechanical Officials. The code has been adapted into law, in whole or part, by most of the United States. See for yourself:
____________________
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- George W. Bush
posted on October 8, 2005 11:54:37 AM new
Too funny - anybody ever been to the Orient? I was forewarned luckily when I went to Taiwan years ago with a boyfriend on business.
The toilets are holes in the ground - sometimes like a urinal in the floor. Many believe that it is better for you if you squat down over it because it forces everything out - and you know the old saying - better out than in!
It is quite a balancing act though - and I highly recommend you carry a small package of Kleenex if travelling in China or Japan - because there is never any TP.
But there were never any purse hooks either, so I would hang my purse around my neck, the stalls were usually full walls and very narrow, so I would brace a foot on each wall and hope for the best. It takes some getting used to, that's for sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caroline
posted on October 8, 2005 12:04:44 PM new
OMG, Caroline. In 1991 the airport at the capital of Lithuania, Vilnius, had a three-holer women's room, no stall walls, just straight down to the ground. Gross.
posted on October 8, 2005 12:11:14 PM new
Thanks for sharing that, Caroline. Now I know I'll never visit there.
I don't know what part of Japan you traveled to/through....but most public restrooms in Japan are very modern...not as rustic as you described ...and all homes have them too.
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On the squatting position, many of the Asian people stand/squat on toilet seat lids...as that's what they're used to doing...so that habit often continues here. I've been told that sometimes their shoe prints are quite noticeable on the toilet lids/seats. Yuck.
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And piinthesky: I'm with bunni on this one. NOTHING worse than sitting down in ice cold toilet water. The men need to put both seats down.....where they SHOULD be...not in an up position.
Now that we have that straight. . ...
This is an old argument that men will never win.
Almost like how people disagree on which way the toilet paper should unroll....over or under.
posted on October 8, 2005 12:33:35 PM new
Surprisingly it was in the Tokyo airport on my way home from Taiwan. There was only 1 'western' toilet I believed they called it - very long line, so I bit the bullet and used the hole.
When I was in Taiwan it was in 1997, most of the public areas still had the holes, but there were regular toilets in the hotel room. I was quite pleased with our hotel, it was inexpensive and nice and clean - only drawback was for some reason there were NO shower curtains. Showering left the bathroom soaking wet with towels everywhere.
It was on my 2nd trip there that I realized the only other guests at this hotel were very nicely dressed young ladies with older men. I never seemed to see any of them but one time. Why? Because my boyfriend finally admitted that it was a hotel used by prostitutes! A very clean and well run hotel, but one used by ladies of the evening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caroline
[ edited by carolinetyler on Oct 8, 2005 12:34 PM ]
posted on October 8, 2005 03:24:43 PM new
piinthesky - Anyone who allows their dog/cat to drink out of a toilet should be shot, imo. How filthy. Even when cleaned...they'd be drinking disinfectants. YUCK.
And the paper on the roll SHOULD be over, not under.
My strong proof that the toilet lids and seat should always be DOWN....is seen my paying attention to which side of the lid has the foo-foo decorations on it. Or the lid covers that match the floor carpets.
Had they intented for the lids to be up....they'd have manufactured those foo-foo items so show when the lid was in a raised position.
Got ya there....unless of course you can PROVE differently.
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Caroline - I guess what I'd like to clarify is that the toilets you're referring to [in Tokoyo] aren't actually 'HOLES' in the ground like one might get a mental image of ....but rather are made from porcelain and flush just like ours do....they're just lower to the ground.
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"Whenever the nation is under attack, from within or without, liberals side with the enemy. This is their essence." --Ann Coulter
And why the American Voters chose to RE-elect President Bush to four more years. YES!!!
posted on October 8, 2005 03:30:12 PM new
Linda! At last! Something I agree with you on! The toilet paper roll should unroll OVER the top--that way the decoration on the paper shows to best advantage.
Gee, I remember many years ago when Ann Landers or Dear Abby had a huge controversy over this. The columnist finally had to cut it short after weeks and weeks. The conclusion seemed to be OVER, not under, but the die-hards never gave an inch.
As one gets older....one wants to be as prepared and comfortable as possible....and you quickly learn how to do just that.
Caroline