posted on December 5, 2005 12:01:23 PM new
The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages
FLIP-FLOPPER FIZZ
Glass
Any Two Champagne Glasses
Ingredients
2 PARTS Chilled Champagne (although sparkling wine has its good points as well)
2 PARTS Chilled Orange Juice (however, apple juice is also a great option in its own right)
Instructions
While waiting for John Kerry to finish debating himself (a process which may last until the end of time), add some random combination of ingredients to any number of ever-changing drinking containers. Enjoy while watching John Kerry leave the stage of the presidential debates so that he can go sit down among the audience of undecideds. After all, he’s sophisticated, intellectual, and “open-minded” enough to see the merits of voting for George W. Bush.
Origin
This adult beverage is named in honor of former Democrat presidential candidate John F-ing Kerry, also known as the “flip-flopper” for his propensity to simultaneously take every
conceivable position on each and every issue.
“I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.”
—JOHN F. KERRY
MANHATTAN CARPETBAGGER
Glass
A New York Yankees Sports Bottle Cynically Displayed by Hillary Clinton
Ingredients
1 PART Sweet Vermouth (reminds Hillary of her beloved hometown, Chappaqua)
3 PARTS Rye Whiskey (reminds Hillary of her beloved hometown, Little Rock)
A DASH of Angostura Bitters (reminds Hillary of her beloved hometown, Chicago)
1 Vacant House in the Suburbs
Instructions
First, identify a state where a senator is retiring and move there so you can run for his seat. Next, combine ingredients in a Yankees sports bottle and shake convincingly while pretending to be a lifelong Yankees fan, despite the fact that long ago you told the entire world your favorite team is the Chicago Cubs.
Origin
This official dittohead adult beverage is named in honor of Hillary Rodham Clinton, resident of Arkansas, Illinois, and Washington, DC, who awoke one day to find herself magically transformed into a senator from New York, no doubt, the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
Special Note
With her extensive experience in real estate (renting out the Lincoln Bedroom), cattle futures (turning a $100,000 profit on a thousand bucks in a single day), and publishing (a $7 million book advance), one wonders if Hillary wouldn’t be better off pursuing a career as an entrepreneurial capitalist dittohead in the private sector instead of serving as a liberal senator from New York.
FRENCH MARTINI ON THE CHIRACS
Glass
An Empty French Wine Bottle
Ingredients
2 PARTS Chambord (a trendy French beverage favored by Hollywood libs)
1 PART Grand Marnier (a thoughtful appeasement gift for imperialist foreign dictators)
2 PARTS Orange Juice (selected following a “global taste test” administered by the UN)
1 PART Soda Water (commonly found in elitist, snobby, French-looking adult beverages )
1 Maraschino Cherry (harvested under the auspices of the UN Oil-for-Food program)
Instructions
While staging a pretend election victory party with foreign leaders who wish John Kerry (the French-looking candidate) was president (i.e. Jacques Chirac, Kim Jong Il, Osama bin Laden, and the ayatollahs of Iran), combine ingredients in a shaker with ice, and shake well while demanding that the dwindling relevance of your pathetic nation be recognized by the world’s major powers. Consume while reminiscing over
liberal mainstream media exit polls that showed John F-ing Kerry taking Texas in a landslide victory with 167% of the vote to George W. Bush’s negative 812%.
Origin
This adult beverage is named in honor of France, a devoted socialist utopian ally with a penchant for surrendering to foreign dictators. Also known among dittoheads as the birthplace
of freedom fries and the American boycott on French wine.
Special Note
Perhaps Jane Fonda will marry Alec Baldwin, join the Dixie Chicks, and become a citizen of Jacques Chirac’s France (along with Barbra Streisand and countless other Hollywood leftists), where they can rest assured that they’ll never again face the embarrassing trials and tribulations imposed by living in a nation with a competent and victorious military.
DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE
Glass
A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)
Ingredients
1 PART Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression)
3 PARTS Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar)
A SPLASH of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism)
A SPLASH of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants)
A DASH of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)
Instructions
While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afrocentric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.
Origin
This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus—a capitalist European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving
Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the “discovery” of someone else’s backyard).
Special Warning
Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.
"Dear Lord, if you can't make me a better man, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.".
