posted on January 25, 2007 04:39:35 AM new
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician
showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician
asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! A re you
CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the
world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
posted on January 25, 2007 04:08:13 PM new
Just so happens I received these from a girlfriend today.
One for the Ladies:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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posted on January 25, 2007 05:46:33 PM new
My personal favorite is the Polish joke. We used to tell a Polish friend that he needed to go out and buy a vowel.
_____________________
A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) ~Dave Barry
Are YOU a Bunghole?