posted on November 13, 2000 09:41:23 AM new
NEWS UPDATE =96 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE =96 PLEASE DISTRIBUTE
BUSH AND GORE AGREE TO SHARE PRESIDENCY
November 8, 2000
J. E. Pool - Dis-associated Press
WASHINGTON, DC =96 In a shocking and historic
joint press conference today, Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush announced that they have made an agreement to share the office of President of the United States.
Both candidates cited stress over the Florida
recount as a key reason for their decision. "I was really a nervous wreck over Florida. But I'm just glad we've found a way to work this out between us," remarked Gore. Similarly, Governor Bush admitted "My campaign team kept telling me to act confident, but boy, I was really sweatin' there".
The candidates were also excited to point out
how much they had in common. "This is truly a marriage made in heaven," announced a beaming George W. "I am so relieved that I no longer have to search out these petty differences between us," said Gore. "The truth is that`W' and myself can really see
eye to eye, when we put our heads together".
"Take the death penalty, for example," said
Gore. "I've really admired Governor Bush's track record with executions in Texas. But it's hard to come out and say that when you're running against the man. And with abortion, yes, Mr. Bush is pro-life. But I used to be pro-life too, so I can relate". "But the best thing," commented Bush, "is that when it comes to the `big money' issues like WTO and China trade, our differences totally disappear! We even
found out we have a lot of the same corporations as our top campaign contributors. Isn't that the neatest
thing?"
In another surprise, the presidents-elect
announced that there would be no vice-president, since there would be two presidents instead. "My running mate
already dumped me for his old senate seat," explained Gore. " I guess he wanted to make sure all his bases were covered. Oh well!"
Asked about his running mate, Bush commented
"Dick hasn't been looking all that well lately. I think he's getting old. True, he always gave me a lot of advice. But Al gives good advice too, and he knows lots more about baseball than Dick".
In another bizarre twist, Bush explained that
they were trying to think up a name they could both go by, for convenience. "We thought of `Gush' or `Bore', but Al said those didn't quite sound right".
Added Gore, "And we tried `Bugor'... and
`G'bor'..." "Wait, I liked that last one," remarked Bush.
During the brief question and answer session,
one reporter asked if the two were concerned about any constitutional issues surrounding the issue of dual presidents. "Hey, we're the president now," retorted an angry Gore. "We can do anything we want to!"
"Yeah!" added Governor Bush. "And I'd be careful if I were you," Gore said while pointing at the reporter, "coming in here and
asking questions like that. I suggest you just watch it". Bush could then be overheard whispering to his co-president, "Media jackasses". Bush and Gore then listened as another reporter asked if there was any truth to the rumor that the Democratic and Republican parties might merge. "Right,
we're thinking about that. Maybe we could call it `the Republicrats'," suggested Gore.
"Yeah, that has a nice ring to it," agreed Bush.
Allowing time for just one more question from
the press, the winners were asked by one young and apparently naive reporter "Aren't you concerned that Americans will lack any real choices in future elections?" At this point, the vice president began to laugh and giggle uncontrollably, and was unable to offer an answer to the question.
Governor Bush, however, displayed his trademark sly grin and replied "What are they going to do? Vote third party?"
