posted on November 16, 2000 07:23:09 AM new
Just received this from some old friends in the UK:
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"shi_t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
posted on November 16, 2000 05:11:49 PM new
Re: #6: Apparently whoever wrote this is unaware that the NFL has a European league and American football is played here. Granted, it doesn't have the popularity of soccer, but hey, it's catching on.
posted on November 16, 2000 06:08:26 PM new
Too funny, rancher! I actually have trouble with #3. I can tell an Australian accent, but it's the South African and British accents I get confused.
posted on November 16, 2000 07:24:37 PM newBarry(Da Man) Barris: It's that bloody Salt Lake-it causes her to retain water in her ankles...plus there was that embarrassing international incident in Provo when the queen was caught stuffing catsup packets from McDonald's in her purse.
