posted on December 1, 2000 02:09:22 PM
THE STORY OF DAVID AND GOLIATH
From the NASB (New Aussie Strine Bible)
Now the ANZACS stood on a mountain on one side of the
valley, and the enemy stood on the other side. The
enemy had a great lump of a bloke called Goliath, who
was over nine feet tall. He had a skid lid of solid
brass on his noggin, armour all over him, and his
spear must have weighed a ton.
Goliath stood and yelled out, "Come on and fight, ya
mob of dingoes! Pick out a bloke and let's see what
he's made of! If he can bump me off, we'll be your
roustabouts, and vice versa." This really scared the
living daylights out of the ANZACS. It put the wind up
'em good and proper'. "If only we had Ned Kelly here
with his armour on," they said. Even the Prime
Minister was spooked out of his brain.
Now Dave was the youngest son of Jesse, from a small
one-horse hick town out the back of Bourke. Jesse had
eight rascals, and was over the hill and just about
ready to kick the bucket. The three oldest boys were
diggers in the army, but Dave worked for his old man
as a sheep musterer. One day Jesse said to Dave, "Come
here kid and take this heap of tucker to your brothers
in the army. Give a bit to the C.O. as well, so he'll
give your brothers a fair go. Now stop muckin' round
and get cracking. I haven't got all day".
So Dave got up when the day was a pup, picked up his
swag, and headed off to see his brothers. It took so
long he had to stop for smoko on the way. He boiled
the billy and had a good cuppa. Meanwhile, the ANZACS
'were up the creek in a barbed wire canoe'. They were
so desperate, the Prime Minister even offered his
daughter in marriage to the first bloke who would take
on the big yobbo, and she was quite a sheila! Also,
they would get a pile of dough into the bargain - that
was a bit of alright! But still, no one wanted to have
a go.
When Dave found one of his brothers, he said "G'day,
mate! How ya goin'? They then told Dave what Goliath
had said. Dave then asked, "Who does this great nong
think he is? Just let me have a go at the ratbag. I'll
let him have it!" Dave's oldest brother, Trev, really
chucked a mental. He did his block! "What are ya!" he
said. "Who do ya think you are, you little squirt!
You'd better stop shooting your mouth off, or you'll
come a cropper good and proper."
"Strike a light," said Dave. "Don't jump down me
throat!"
"You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag,
you little twerp," said Trev.
"I reckon I could," replied Dave.
When Dave's second eldest brother, Norm, heard what
Dave was saying, he laughed his head off, and said
"stone the crows, Dave, what do ya think this is -
bush week?" Dave's third brother, Fred, couldn't see
anything funny in it at all. He just looked at Dave
like he'd gone fair round the bend, and said, "why
don't you go back to the bush where you belong?"
"Fair go," replied Dave, "why don't you give me a
break!" Then he took off, yelling over his shoulder,
"you no-hopers wouldn't know what day of the week it
was!"
Dave then went to see the P.M. and told him he would
give it a go. The P.M. said, "you've got two chances
of killing that greasy giant - Buckley's and none."
"Oh, I dunno," said Dave, "The Lord my God helped me
kill a dingo and bunyip with my bare hands. I reckon
He could help me do this oversized galah like a
dinner." When the P.M. saw that Dave was fair dinkum,
he finally gave in and tried to give Dave a great
stack of armour. Dave could hardly walk with it on.
"This is hopeless," he said, "I'll fix him without all
this garbage. She'll be right, mate."
Then Dave walked out to meet Goliath, carrying only
his shanghai. When Goliath saw him, he nearly laughed
his head off, saying, "what do you think I am kid, a
puppy dog or something? Take one step closer and
you'll get the biggest knuckle sandwich you've ever
seen. I'll have you for breakfast, ya numb skull."
"Come off the grass," Dave yelled back at him. "Just
because you've got a head like a hub cap you think
you're a big wheel. Well I've got some news for you,
buster, and it's all bad! I'm coming against you in
the name of the Lord!"
As Goliath ran to meet him, Dave quickly popped a
gibber into his shanghai, and slung it at Goliath. It
went like a rocket, and got him fair on the scone.
"Howzat!!" shouted the ANZACS with one voice.
Goliath went out like a light and carked it. Dave ran
over, took out the giant's sword, and lopped off his
noggin.
"You little ripper!" all the diggers yelled. They ran
down the side of the mountain shouting, "Good on ya,
matie," and singing "Come on Aussie, Come on".
Later on, the P.M. asked his off-sider who Dave was
and where he came from. His reply was that Dave came
from the other side of the black stump, where the
crows fly backwards to keep the dust out of their
eyes.
The P.M. shook his head and said, "What a bottler!"
posted on December 1, 2000 08:34:30 PM
Strewth
I didn't know we had a flamin' journo' there.
We all thought the bloke with a pencil was writing to his shiela back home!
If I hadn't 'ave been there myself I might I've reckoned it was a bit of a yarn, but fair suck o'the sauce mates, would an Aussie bull$hit?
I've often wondered what happened to young Dave. The last I heard was that he'd took off with Barcoo Pete and he was farming giant mossies in the Kimberley, but that's another yarn.
