posted on February 23, 2001 02:30:27 PM new
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
chepistar here, there, and everywhere
(edited for spelin)
[ edited by chepistar on Feb 23, 2001 02:32 PM ]
posted on February 23, 2001 04:06:47 PM new
You know, they have some really great sites with jokes about men. Here's a sample:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
THE HUSBAND LINEUP
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Men Are Like....
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
posted on February 23, 2001 05:02:33 PM newPerfect Day for a Woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 lb lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lb
1:00 Shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist-Card is from a secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner-Primp before mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower-Alone
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 fall asleep in his big, strong arms
Perfect Day for a Man:
6:00 Alarm
6:15 BLO(edit)
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast-Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch -- 2 dozen oysters on the half shell -- 3 Heinekens
12:15 BLO(edit)
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport-Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas -- Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin --1249 lb
5:00 Jet back home-En route, get massage from naked Supermodel
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash - Bush resigns
7:30 Dinner-Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz New York strip steak
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart-Watch the dog leave the room
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
posted on February 24, 2001 06:49:22 AM new
I switched things around a bit, apparently men are able to comprehend this type of list...
Learn to clean the toilet, do this by lifting the seat and swabbing with the appropriate tool.
If you won't act like soap opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria's Secret girls.
If you think we're fat, tell us we aren't. We already know we are.
Notice when we get our hair done. If you have a preference about how we have our hair, tell us BEFORE we go to the beauty shop!
Birthdays, Valentines' and anniversaries are great opportunities for you to actually lift a finger and do a household chore. Cook me dinner, fix the leaky faucet, vacuum the rug!
If you ask a question, don't expect a straight answer. We will ALWAYS try to spare your feelings no matter what the situation. (PMS excluded.)
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as tomorrow's dinner, the kid's Doctor appointment or whether our favorite soap opera is going to wrap up its big storyline this Monday.
Sunday = Family Dinner. It's not like it's going to kill you to sit at the table with the kids and I for 30 minutes. The game / race will still be there when you are done.
Shopping is not a sport, it is not fun to wade through the crowds at the mall towing 3 kids and 7 packages. Would it hurt you to lend a hand once in a while?
When we have to go somewhere, DON'T tell me that "absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really." I can't show up in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt that says "WWF RAW on it like you do.
You have too many tools.
Crying is not blackmail. It is what we do. We have hormones, you have beer bellies. Sometimes the two just don't mix.
I will never ask for what I want directly. If you don't know me well enough by now to read my mind, then you will never know me!
I mark anniversaries on the calendar. Look at the damned thing once in a while. Pay attention to the TV ads for upcoming holidays and gift giving occasions. It isn't rocket science you know.
Peeing standing up is easier and more versatile. You still have the option of sitting if you want. If you do miss, wipe it up.
Most men own 3 suits. Just because you never have to use imagination when getting dressed up doesn't mean you can't help us out once in a while.
"Yes" and "No" are only perfectly acceptable answers to, "Did you take the trash out yet?"
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy CAN be faked. We do it all the time. Give it a try next time we need you.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is usually caused by you.
Chocolate IS a food.
Throw out your old underwear every now and then.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to go to the game together. No it doesn't matter which game.
Anything you said 6 months ago is admissible in an argument. Just because you have pea sized brains and can't retain anything important for more than 6 seconds doesn't mean we have to forget what you promised.
Everything we say can be interpreted at least two ways. It is up to you to figure it out.
Ogle more discreetly. We do it all the time.
If you don't know how to do something, DON't 'make it up' as you go. Read the instructions.
Halftime is not the only the only time you can talk to us on Sundays.
Public scratching and adjustment is not polite in ANY type of company. Especially when Mother comes to visit.
Beer is not a food.
If you ask what is wrong, and we say "Nothing", give us a hug and kiss on the back of the neck. Chances are that will cure what ails us.
here, there, and everywhere 
