posted on March 14, 2001 12:39:32 PM new
This thread is demeaning to the Celts, the Irish, the Catholics, the Irish Catholics, and most especially to the dogs.
posted on March 14, 2001 12:52:31 PM new
The Unicorn
A long time ago when the Earth was green,
There was more kinds of animals then you've ever seen.
And they'd run around free while the world was being born.
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn!
There was green alligators and long necked geese,
Hump back camels and chimpanzees.
Cats and rats and elephants but sure a you're born,
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn!
But the Lord seen some sinnin' and it caused him pain.
He says, "Stand back, I'm gonna make it rain.
So hey, Brother Noah, I'll tell you what to do.
Go and build me a floating zoo."
"You'll take two alligators and a couple of geese,
Two hump back camels and two chimpanzees.
Two cats, two rats, two elephants but as sure as you're born,
Noah, don't you forget my unicorns!"
Well, Noah looked out through the drivin' rain,
But the unicorns was hidin'-playin' silly games.
They were kickin' and a-splashin' while the rain was pourin',
Oh them foolish unicorns.
"So you take two alligators and a couple of geese,
Two hump back camels and two chimpanzees.
Two cats, two rats, two elephantsbut as sure as you're born,
Noah, don't you forget my unicorns."
And the the ark started movin' and it drifted with the tide,
And the unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.
And the water cameup and sort of floated them away,
That's why you've never seen a unicorn to this day.
You'll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese,
You'll see hump back camels andchimpanzees.
You'll see cats and rats and elephants butas sure as you're born,
You're never gonna see no unicorn.
edited to bring a wee bit o' balance to the site.
[ edited by zilvy on Mar 16, 2001 08:59 AM ]
[ edited by zilvy on Mar 18, 2001 06:19 PM ]
posted on March 14, 2001 12:59:39 PM new
This is my favorite and it is for my buddy Snowy
"Lost at Sea"
``````````````
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought
to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure it's like a morn in spring,
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
**************************
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure they steal your heart away.
posted on March 14, 2001 05:03:15 PM new
An Irishman is never drunk, so long as he can hold onto a blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
posted on March 14, 2001 10:02:04 PM new
Too funny Zilvy! I will make sure I pass the lost at sea one along to my brother and husband, both avid Guiness fans
posted on March 15, 2001 12:19:21 AM new
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking
together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
posted on March 15, 2001 12:28:35 AM new
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
posted on March 15, 2001 12:41:14 AM new
Just one more... I promise
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye."
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guineas Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
posted on March 15, 2001 02:33:21 AM new
Patrick and Seamus were heading into Dublin town one Saturday night when Patrick stopped outside the church and asked Seamus to wait while he went to Confession.
Seamus protested but Patrick was insistent that he had to go.
In the confessional the priest gently prompted Patrick to tell of his sins.
Patrick coughed and stammered and hesitatingly said that he'd been with loose women.
The priest asked if it was Molly Malone but Patrick wouldn't say.
The priest then asked if it was Mary Maquire. Again, Patrick wouldn't say and eventually told the priest that he would have to come back again the next day.
When Patrick got back outside Seamus asked him if he felt better for going to confession.
With a twinkle in his eye Patrick said he did, and besides he had two dead certs for their Saturday night fun!
Bob, Downunder but never down.
posted on March 15, 2001 10:20:52 AM newAye Laddies an Lassies if you don't hae a joke perhaps a song??
Whiskey In The Jar
As I was going over the Kilmagenny mountain
I met with Captain Farrell and his money he was counting.
I first produced my pistol, and then produced my rapier,
Said stand and deliver, for I'm a bold deceiver.
Chorus:
Musha ring derrim do derrim da
Whack for the daddy oh
Whack for the daddy oh
There's whiskey in the jar.
I counted out his money, and it made a pretty penny.
I put it in my pocket and I brought it home to Jenny.
She sighed and she swore that she never would deceive me,
But the devil take the woman, for they always lie so easy.
Chorus:
Musha ring derrim do derrim da
Whack for the daddy oh
Whack for the daddy oh
There's whiskey in the jar.
(picture a shamrock, rainbow or Leprechaun)
[ edited by zilvy on Mar 15, 2001 10:28 AM ]
[ edited by zilvy on Mar 16, 2001 08:23 AM ]
[ edited by zilvy on Mar 18, 2001 06:21 PM ]
posted on March 15, 2001 11:58:18 AM new
Aw Zilvy, now you've done it.. you've posted the lyrics to a Metallica song! Now they're going to sue us and shut us down!!
Seriously, Metallica had a minor hit with that a few months ago. Wonder if they had to pay royalties for it???? (off topic blast at the Napster busters)
posted on March 15, 2001 12:20:25 PM new
That was a cover of the Thin Lizzy version of the song. It's traditional. But since the music is Thin Lizzy's, you bet those guys got royalties.
posted on March 15, 2001 12:29:06 PM new AN IRISH TOAST
May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
the foresight to know where you're going,
and the insight to know when you've gone too far.
Hippy wannabe 
~^~