posted on May 22, 2005 06:22:18 PM
excellent colin-I cut and pasted the 2nd half and emailed to all my friends.
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 25, 2005 10:58:26 AM
"Bill Clinton, while in Rome Friday, stopped by Vatican City for a meeting with Roman Catholic cardinals there. He met with the clergy for about an hour. It must have been just a social visit because that's not near enough time for his confession." --Argus Hamilton
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Four More Years....YES!!!
posted on May 25, 2005 11:18:44 AM
LOL
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 26, 2005 12:41:49 AM
And here are some of the "sins" Bill will have to confess.
I helped give:
$3 million for "post-polio syndrome"
$6 million for "coronary/prostate disease reversal"
$5 million for the "Hawaii federal health care network"
$12 million for the "ovarian cancer research program"
$50 million for the "overall peer review medical research program"
$3 million for black colleges and universities
$2.5 million for marijuana eradication in Hawaii
$7.5 million for the national counter-narcotics training center
$20 million for National Guard counter-drug support
Funding for Native American health care
$5 million for public schools "that have unusually high concentrations of special needs military dependents enrolled"
Hey linduh let's tell Nearthesea how much you resent all that money going to cancer research ....makes your "oh so genuine" burble of concern sound a little hollow?????
posted on May 26, 2005 04:42:58 AM
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Ron
[ edited by WashingtoneBayer on May 26, 2005 04:49 AM ]
posted on May 26, 2005 04:56:16 PM
A LETTER TO YOUR PETS
Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob
or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have
posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know
what the rules are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who
are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak
clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called
(this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant,
you can sell the children!
posted on May 26, 2005 06:40:36 PM
LO Colin-we have a Siamese cat,and everything in there is true
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 27, 2005 05:19:23 AM
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining! room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
!
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
posted on May 27, 2005 07:21:45 AM
There were three couples in Minnesota, two from St. Paul and the other from Marine on the St. Croix, sitting down at the breakfast table. They were having a great conversation while waiting for the food to arrive at the table.
While breakfast was being served, the first man from St. Paul was preparing a cup of coffee. It was bitter so he leaned over to his wife and said, "Please pass the sugar, Sugar." The man from Marine on the St. Croix was so impressed at the witty man on his compliment to his wife.
A little later on, the second man from St. Paul was having a bowl of corn flakes. He also liked to sweeten his food as well, so he leaned over to his wife and asked her, "Please pass the honey, Honey". The man from Marine on the St. Croix now was just beside himself trying to think of something he could say to his wife.
He took some time and after a bit came up with something he could say to her. So he leans over and states, "Please pass the beef, COW.
.
.
.
Alive in 2005
posted on May 28, 2005 12:21:15 PM
The Blond and the Chimps
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego? "
"Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble. "
"I'd be happy to, " said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo. "
"Yes, I know you did, " said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on May 30, 2005 04:39:19 AM
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and
science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor
aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and
this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure
out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here
is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one
black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You
don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more
about the baby."
posted on May 30, 2005 04:42:47 AM
Two med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.
" Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart...........
posted on May 30, 2005 05:06:29 AM
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with
a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes
that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled,
he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This
time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert
notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they
were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around
the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in
the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just
decomposing!"
posted on May 30, 2005 07:25:49 PM
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase
> its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
> Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
> free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
> guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The
> redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
> number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
> A week later, the same redneck, along with! a buddy,
> Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The
> proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
> correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor
> said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free
> sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his
> buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free
> sex." Bubba replied,
> "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife
> won twice last week!!
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 30, 2005 07:52:46 PM Who is Jack Schitt?
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!
posted on June 1, 2005 04:15:25 AM
A college professor who was an avowed atheist shocked students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression one nation under God is unconstitutional and further, he would prove there is no God.
Addressing the ceiling, he shouted, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent.
Ten minutes went by. Again the professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
Two minutes remained when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor and hit him full force in the face. The professor fell from his lofty platform, knocked cold. Without a word, the young Marine took a seat in the front row. No one spoke.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the Marine and finally yelled, "Whats the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
posted on June 1, 2005 04:22:36 AM
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do
it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
http://www.reverendcolin.com
posted on June 1, 2005 04:30:10 AM
"Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..Holy crap!! What a Ride!!"
posted on June 1, 2005 10:43:05 AM
Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. It was, interestingly enough, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school and aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during W.W.II and spent two years
co-piloting B-17s until his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.
After the war, he became a priest serving as a missionary in Africa. While in Zimbabwe, Father Grapje was inside a silver mine when
it exploded. He suffered multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.
Exposure to silver contents in the mine gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy....
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on June 3, 2005 02:45:25 PM
Deathbed Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was
maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber; He
looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."
There's nothing to confess," replied the
; weeping Becky, "Every thing's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I
... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky,
"let the poison work."
