posted on June 6, 2005 11:25:09 AM
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK! A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on June 10, 2005 04:11:56 AM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly. he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, . . he farted.
posted on June 10, 2005 03:38:41 PM
For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those
great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites
have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate
their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
---------------------------------------
RELATIVITY
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's
been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs
in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell
him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He
comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine
is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia." Mr.Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor
continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel
will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you
must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning
to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on
the shoulder, "Hey, I'm just messing with you, she's dead."
---------------------------------
A Smart Little Boy
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the
sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching
the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind
of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to
the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled
roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy
walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something
fuzzy on the end.
posted on June 10, 2005 05:22:15 PM
Welcome back Yellow! I thought of you often during my month off..thought about emailing you so we could gripe about being booted together.. but thought you might not like unsolicited email... well.. we sure got the boot didn't we! LOL.. No hard feelings I hope.. Maggie
posted on June 10, 2005 05:51:27 PM
Thank you
thank you
thank you!!!
Yes it's good to be back.....I think.
now you have a black mark on you forever sorry
I'll wear it as a badge of honor.
I missed you too Linda. Hey, we'll have to get together and go running naked in the rain again sometime.
Maggie
You should have emailed me and then maybe betwixt the two of us we probably could have figured out why we got booted. I hold no grudges against anyone and I am glad you are back as well.
posted on June 10, 2005 07:36:06 PM
LOL Yellow.. isn't it the worst feeling when you go to post and just like that, without any warning.. you're blocked.. kind of rude if you ask me.. LOL.. so you try it again to make sure..ha...
posted on June 10, 2005 08:42:50 PM
Boy, ain't that the truth, Maggie. There you are happily posting away and then all of a sudden, without any warning, you are grabbed up by a pair of Vendio bulls and hauled off, and while you are being dragged away your feet barely touch the ground. They haul you to a dark room, throw you in, lock the door and it's 30 days in the hole.
Humble Pie - 30 Days In The Hole
Roll my tape
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Thirty days...
Anyone doin' that one?
I'm doin' that one
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
all right all right all right all right, yeah
Chicago Green, talkin' 'bout Black Lebanese
A dirty room and a silver coke spoon
Give me my release, come on
Black napalese, it's got you weak in your knees
Sneeze some dust that you got buzzed on
You know it's hard to believe
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
That's what they give you
30 days in the hole
I know
Newcastle Brown, I'm tellin' you, it can sure smack you down
Take a greasy whore and a rollin' dance floor
It's got your head spinnin' round
If you live on the road, well there's a new highway code
You take the urban noise with some dirt with poison
It's gonna lessen your load
30 days in the hole
That's what they give you now
30 days in the hole
Oh, yeah
30 days in the hole
All right, all right
30 days in the hole
What you doin' boy?
You here for 30 days
Get, get, get your long hair cut
And cut out your ways
Black napalese, it got you weak in your knees
Gonna sneeze some dust that you got busted on
You know it's so hard to please
Newcastle Brown can sure smack you down
You take a greasy whore and a rollin' dance floor
You know you're jailhouse-bound
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
Oh, yeah
30 days in the hole
30 days, 30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
posted on June 11, 2005 05:57:03 AM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
posted on June 11, 2005 06:32:32 AM
Yellow---WAAAZUUUPPP????
Welcome back from the hole LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on June 11, 2005 08:52:45 PM
During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
----------------------------------
President George Bush: "Over time the truth will come out."
President George Bush: "Our people are going to find out the truth, and the truth will say that this intelligence was good intelligence. There's no doubt in my mind."
Bush was right. The truth did come out and the facts are he misled Congress and the American people about the reasons we should go to war in Iraq.
posted on June 11, 2005 08:54:09 PM
For all the religious conservatives:
"Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever."
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
----------------------------------
President George Bush: "Over time the truth will come out."
President George Bush: "Our people are going to find out the truth, and the truth will say that this intelligence was good intelligence. There's no doubt in my mind."
Bush was right. The truth did come out and the facts are he misled Congress and the American people about the reasons we should go to war in Iraq.
posted on June 12, 2005 05:51:11 AM
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b***h tonight, Dave."
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
----------------------------------
President George Bush: "Over time the truth will come out."
President George Bush: "Our people are going to find out the truth, and the truth will say that this intelligence was good intelligence. There's no doubt in my mind."
Bush was right. The truth did come out and the facts are he misled Congress and the American people about the reasons we should go to war in Iraq.
posted on June 12, 2005 05:57:19 AM
Today in class all of the kids are going to tell there teacher what their moms do for a living. Well, little Bobby went first. My mom is a nurse and makes lots of money. Next was little Billy. My mom is a lawyer and she also makes lots of money. Now it was little Timmy's turn but he just sat there and said nothing. His teacher was like Timmy tell us what your mom does. Nah, I don't want to. Come on Timmy, be apart of the class. Well, OK... my mom is a stripper for a strip club, dances on men's laps and sometimes she will go in the ally and have sex with them for extra money. Right away the teacher changed the subject and told the kids to go to recess. She told Timmy to come here and she asked him why he said that. I am embarrassed of what my mom does for a living. Yes, but what could be worse than what you just said. She's a Green Bay Packer fan. Oh, Timmy... I am so sorry!!!
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
----------------------------------
President George Bush: "Over time the truth will come out."
President George Bush: "Our people are going to find out the truth, and the truth will say that this intelligence was good intelligence. There's no doubt in my mind."
Bush was right. The truth did come out and the facts are he misled Congress and the American people about the reasons we should go to war in Iraq.
posted on June 12, 2005 05:59:03 AM
You Know You're From Arkansas When...
"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' Ouachita or Possum Grape.
You know what Toad Suck and Booger Holler are.
Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top.
You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by the way they bark.
Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
You consider being a "Beef Queen" an honor.
You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your life.
You know what a "cow drop" is.
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
You know how to snipe hunt.
You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members.
You visit the Arkansas State Fair mainly to see your neighbor's prize chicken.
You've been invited to or had a bunkin' party.
You abhor homosexuality, but love "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
You'd rather be No. 1 in football than No. 1 in education.
You think that recycling means riding your bike down the same old path.
You think orange barrels are really part of the interstate system.
When the forecast calls for an inch of snow, you run out with all the other crazies to stand in line for three hours to buy a month's worth of groceries.
You drink sweet iced tea out of a sports bottle.
Your traditional Thanksgiving dinner is a deep-fried turkey.
You call a shopping cart a buggy.
You see "No Hunting" signs are riddled with bullet holes.
You think "Animal House" is the training film for incoming athletes at the University of Arkansas
The three food groups are Velveeta, pork rinds and a six-pack.
Everyone you think of as a "liberal" is either Methodist or Catholic.
You think that Bill Clinton is a lyin', cheatin' sumbitch, but you'd still vote for him again in a heartbeat because he's OUR lyin' cheatin' sumbitch.
You've "offered" someone an "ass-whoopin'. " (
When you give directions they include "over yonder," "down the road a piece," and "right near."
You're not commitment-phobic: you love God, guns and football.
You'd rather have a Budweiser beer museum than a presidential library.
You think pinto beans are nekkid without hamhocks, cornbread and buttermilk.
Sweet milk and torn up biscuits in a glass is your favorite dessert.
You think bagels are nothing but a cruel doughnut joke invented by some Yankee!
You eat at Senor Tequila's for atmosphere and Lolita's Tex-Mex for salsa.
You say, "I voted for Clinton to get him out of the state."
You own three cars and one license plate.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Arkansas.
Absolute faith has been shown, consistently, to breed intolerance. And intolerance, history teaches us, again and again, begets violence.
----------------------------------
President George Bush: "Over time the truth will come out."
President George Bush: "Our people are going to find out the truth, and the truth will say that this intelligence was good intelligence. There's no doubt in my mind."
Bush was right. The truth did come out and the facts are he misled Congress and the American people about the reasons we should go to war in Iraq.
posted on June 14, 2005 11:13:42 AM
Better watch out , colin, linduh's slithering on her belly your way
Ya, linduh would like such a backward, crude , sexist, brain dead joke if it insults the other side.
Just appeals to the low life, chest beating gorillas who couldn't vote for a woman if her tits weren't big enough.
Can't fight a woman with more success, brains, money, wit, and power ?......attack her looks.....it's such an easy way out.......
sorry]
