posted on November 4, 2005 10:39:56 AM
And Colin - Everytime I scroll by that picture you posted of the camel in the parking lot....I begin laughing all over again. That was GREAT!!!
posted on November 7, 2005 12:04:13 PM
Subject: George Carlin on New Orleans
Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about
the #*!@ going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...
First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said,
Let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know
it's coming)
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.
#2a! If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.
(Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible! Leave them alone.)
#2b If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave
your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get
their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a
mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them.)
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't
go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your
house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your
country some good and join the Navy.
#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane
as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did
Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).
#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for
what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for
a living.
President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."
posted on November 7, 2005 08:00:54 PM
George Carlin didn't write that, sorry.
____________________________________________
Habla siempre que debas y calla siempre que puedas....
Origins: This list of supposed common sense 'rules' has been attributed both to comedian George Carlin and to New Orleans blues musician Bill Boudreaux. It does not appear to be the work of either: Boudreaux's name came to be associated with the piece more than a week after it appeared, and Carlin's did not appear in association with it until October 2005. Our first sighting of the item was on the alt.vacation.las-vegas USENET newsgroup, where it appeared in a 14 September 2005 post. Even at that early date the identity of the diatribe's author had been obscured, with the poster later disclaiming having written it himself in the discussion thread sparked by his
offering.
George Carlin has disclaimed authorship of "Hurricane Rules" on his web site and placed a link back to this very article. Similar humor-tinged political screeds (e.g., "Paradox of Our Time," a 'things were better in the good old days' essay executed in the form of a comparison list, and "I'm a Bad American," a point-form essay advancing the cause of intolerance, have previously been falsely attributed to him as well. As we've discovered, just about any unsourced list of witty observations about politics and social mores will eventually become credited to George Carlin as it passes from inbox to inbox. As he has posted on his web site about such soapboxings:
DON'T BLAME ME
Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.
Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.
And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.
George Carlin offers this bit of wisdom:
"Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website."
____________________
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- George W. Bush
posted on November 8, 2005 03:55:17 AMGeorge Carlin has disclaimed authorship of "Hurricane Rules" on his web site and placed a link back to this very article.
So noted...thank you.
Still written by someone who, imo, has a good head on their shoulders and lots of common sense.
posted on November 8, 2005 05:37:35 AM
George Carlin's correction from Bunni's post...
"And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff."
It's also wrong to add the good name of John F. Kennedy to such insensitive trash.
John F. Kennedy Acceptance of the New York Liberal Party Nomination
September 14, 1960
What do our opponents mean when they apply to us the label "Liberal?" If by "Liberal" they mean, as they want people to believe, someone who is soft in his policies abroad, who is against local government, and who is unconcerned with the taxpayer's dollar, then the record of this party and its members demonstrate that we are not that kind of "Liberal." But if by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."
But first, I would like to say what I understand the word "Liberal" to mean and explain in the process why I consider myself to be a "Liberal," and what it means in the presidential election of 1960.
In short, having set forth my view -- I hope for all time -- two nights ago in Houston, on the proper relationship between church and state, I want to take the opportunity to set forth my views on the proper relationship between the state and the citizen. This is my political credo:
I believe in human dignity as the source of national purpose, in human liberty as the source of national action, in the human heart as the source of national compassion, and in the human mind as the source of our invention and our ideas. It is, I believe, the faith in our fellow citizens as individuals and as people that lies at the heart of the liberal faith. For liberalism is not so much a party creed or set of fixed platform promises as it is an attitude of mind and heart, a faith in man's ability through the experiences of his reason and judgment to increase for himself and his fellow men the amount of justice and freedom and brotherhood which all human life deserves.
I believe also in the United States of America, in the promise that it contains and has contained throughout our history of producing a society so abundant and creative and so free and responsible that it cannot only fulfill the aspirations of its citizens, but serve equally well as a beacon for all mankind. I do not believe in a superstate. I see no magic in tax dollars which are sent to Washington and then returned. I abhor the waste and incompetence of large-scale federal bureaucracies in this administration as well as in others. I do not favor state compulsion when voluntary individual effort can do the job and do it well. But I believe in a government which acts, which exercises its full powers and full responsibilities. Government is an art and a precious obligation; and when it has a job to do, I believe it should do it. And this requires not only great ends but that we propose concrete means of achieving them.
Our responsibility is not discharged by announcement of virtuous ends. Our responsibility is to achieve these objectives with social invention, with political skill, and executive vigor. I believe for these reasons that liberalism is our best and only hope in the world today. For the liberal society is a free society, and it is at the same time and for that reason a strong society. Its strength is drawn from the will of free people committed to great ends and peacefully striving to meet them. Only liberalism, in short, can repair our national power, restore our national purpose, and liberate our national energies. And the only basic issue in the 1960 campaign is whether our government will fall in a conservative rut and die there, or whether we will move ahead in the liberal spirit of daring, of breaking new ground, of doing in our generation what Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt and Harry Truman and Adlai Stevenson did in their time of influence and responsibility.
Our liberalism has its roots in our diverse origins. Most of us are descended from that segment of the American population which was once called an immigrant minority. Today, along with our children and grandchildren, we do not feel minor. We feel proud of our origins and we are not second to any group in our sense of national purpose. For many years New York represented the new frontier to all those who came from the ends of the earth to find new opportunity and new freedom, generations of men and women who fled from the despotism of the czars, the horrors of the Nazis, the tyranny of hunger, who came here to the new frontier in the State of New York. These men and women, a living cross section of American history, indeed, a cross section of the entire world's history of pain and hope, made of this city not only a new world of opportunity, but a new world of the spirit as well.
Tonight we salute Governor and Senator Herbert Lehman as a symbol of that spirit, and as a reminder that the fight for full constitutional rights for all Americans is a fight that must be carried on in 1961.
Many of these same immigrant families produced the pioneers and builders of the American labor movement. They are the men who sweated in our shops, who struggled to create a union, and who were driven by longing for education for their children and for the children's development. They went to night schools; they built their own future, their union's future, and their country's future, brick by brick, block by block, neighborhood by neighborhood, and now in their children's time, suburb by suburb.
Tonight we salute George Meany as a symbol of that struggle and as a reminder that the fight to eliminate poverty and human exploitation is a fight that goes on in our day. But in 1960 the cause of liberalism cannot content itself with carrying on the fight for human justice and economic liberalism here at home. For here and around the world the fear of war hangs over us every morning and every night. It lies, expressed or silent, in the minds of every American. We cannot banish it by repeating that we are economically first or that we are militarily first, for saying so doesn't make it so. More will be needed than goodwill missions or talking back to Soviet politicians or increasing the tempo of the arms race. More will be needed than good intentions, for we know where that paving leads.
In Winston Churchill's words, "We cannot escape our dangers by recoiling from them. We dare not pretend such dangers do not exist."
And tonight we salute Adlai Stevenson as an eloquent spokesman for the effort to achieve an intelligent foreign policy. Our opponents would like the people to believe that in a time of danger it would be hazardous to change the administration that has brought us to this time of danger. I think it would be hazardous not to change. I think it would be hazardous to continue four more years of stagnation and indifference here at home and abroad, of starving the underpinnings of our national power, including not only our defense but our image abroad as a friend.
This is an important election -- in many ways as important as any this century -- and I think that the Democratic Party and the Liberal Party here in New York, and those who believe in progress all over the United States, should be associated with us in this great effort. The reason that Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt and Harry Truman and Adlai Stevenson had influence abroad, and the United States in their time had it, was because they moved this country here at home, because they stood for something here in the United States, for expanding the benefits of our society to our own people, and the people around the world looked to us as a symbol of hope.
I think it is our task to re-create the same atmosphere in our own time. Our national elections have often proved to be the turning point in the course of our country. I am proposing that 1960 be another turning point in the history of the great Republic.
Some pundits are saying it's 1928 all over again. I say it's 1932 all over again. I say this is the great opportunity that we will have in our time to move our people and this country and the people of the free world beyond the new frontiers of the 1960s.
posted on November 8, 2005 10:30:36 AM
here's one for ya...
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her
for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.
posted on November 8, 2005 01:08:29 PM
Shortly after Katrina hit and their neighborhoods were flooded two old women took refuge on the roofs of their homes.
After a while Miz Tibidoux looked over and said, "Miz Rubidoux, look down there at that tuft of red hair moving back and forth through the water! I wonder what it could be?"
Miz Rubidoux called back, "Oh, that's just my husband--I told him he would be mowing our lawn today, come Hell or high water!"
____________________
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- George W. Bush
posted on November 9, 2005 02:54:21 PM
Gotta LOVE this one
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again.
Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss ants.
"Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs Chairman, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene.
He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them.
posted on November 13, 2005 08:36:26 PM
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, knees go weak, throats get dry and
thoughts get irrational when a woman wears leather clothing?
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posted on November 14, 2005 12:50:25 PM
Random thoughts!
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
dip-sticks.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
posted on November 14, 2005 12:55:31 PM
Big Mouth Wife? Or get even time?
---
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine ." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" [I love this part....] " Only when he's been drinking."
posted on November 14, 2005 01:03:02 PM
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.
The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...Kiss your as$ good-bye.
posted on November 14, 2005 01:10:31 PM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to
call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without
breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a
little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was
ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
posted on November 14, 2005 02:59:08 PM
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
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The taste.
posted on November 14, 2005 08:22:26 PM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though
initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." Wow! That's a
great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own Damm blanket!"
