posted on November 29, 2005 08:31:28 PM new
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
posted on December 5, 2005 05:04:04 AM new
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
posted on December 5, 2005 05:27:13 AM new
The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing ...
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds five digits .$$$$$
posted on December 5, 2005 01:29:09 PM new
It looks like a 'trade off' type procedure to me, that is, that you get it done on your wife and/or your sweetheart if you don't want anymore blowjobs or in some cases where she just plain refuses to perform that sorta thang anymore. Ouch!
posted on December 6, 2005 09:03:32 AM new
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
posted on December 6, 2005 09:07:41 AM new
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
posted on December 6, 2005 01:58:10 PM new
I just got my new Yukon XL, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and 'On the Road Again' came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said “Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "A$$HOLES!" I yelled.....
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....
posted on December 7, 2005 04:55:41 PM new
The Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was,
and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it
go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and
warm there.
posted on December 7, 2005 04:59:00 PM new
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Misdewiener!
Amen,
Reverend Colin http://www.reverendcolin.com
posted on December 9, 2005 07:56:15 PM new
Irish Catholic Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
"You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"
Amen,
Reverend Colin http://www.reverendcolin.com
posted on December 9, 2005 08:08:47 PM new
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
posted on December 12, 2005 04:44:36 PM new
A GOOD HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?
Ron
"Better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."
posted on December 12, 2005 06:13:12 PM new
Colin, I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard that John Wayne Bobbitt got a job...working for Snap-On Tools....
____________________________________________
Habla siempre que debas y calla siempre que puedas....
posted on December 13, 2005 01:10:39 PM new
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
posted on December 13, 2005 05:27:21 PM new
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia~~
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started he car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, Honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Amen,
Reverend Colin http://www.reverendcolin.com
