posted on April 22, 2001 07:48:03 AM new
A mouse walks into a bar in deepest Africa, sits down, orders a beer and askes the bartender if there was any action around. The bartender leans over and says, "See that giraffe over there? She'll show you a good time."
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and they start talking and as they are walking out the mouse winks at the bartender and tells him, I owe you one.
A few days go by and the bartender starts to worry about the mouse. The next day the mouse stumbles in, skin and bones, his eyes are blood shot and his fur is a mess. The bartender says, "My god, what happened? Did her boy friend catch you and beat you up?
"Oh no, she was fabulous! But, I'll tell you, between kissing and screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"
posted on April 22, 2001 08:30:01 AM new
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest manner,
"What are you up to, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully,
without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth
then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
posted on April 22, 2001 01:41:47 PM newEYEWITNESS
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The
back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back
in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The
detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen
them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African
and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
posted on April 23, 2001 02:44:45 PM new
The abridged version:
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Definition of "transvestite": A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Q: Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A: It won't work and you can't fire it.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just
cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."
