sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 07:26:31 AM new
There's a thread going in ebay outlook regarding someone telling a seller they should "get a real job." It got me thinking about how people who have nothing to do with you life feel they have a right to comment on the status of if.
I'm 30 (ick), married and fairly well educated (I have master's degrees in Social Work and Business Administration). I live my life based on the decisions my husband and I have made yet I continue to get comments like:
When are you going to have kids? We've been married for almost 5 years and will probably not have children due to a combination of medical factors and a complete satisfaction with our lives as they are. Not knowing this, what makes a complete stranger ask questions that could be potentially hurtful?
The gall of some people just amazes me. Anyway, just my thoughts on the subject.
|
ZILvy
|
posted on June 28, 2001 07:45:06 AM new
I think it was Dear Abby, many, many years ago (this problem has been around forever) suggested saying: "I'll forgive you for asking the question, if you will forgive me for not answering."
The first time I tried that...it had to do with the when are you gonna have kids question, the person said "No, I want to know." I responded, "You have no business asking and absolutely NO RIGHT to know." That is called "mirroring" I guess she didn't like what she saw as she never asked me a question again.
|
saabsister
|
posted on June 28, 2001 07:51:59 AM new
I understand what you mean. My husband and I don't have children either and didn't want them. When we were in our twenties, people would ask when we planned on having them and then give the most appalled look when we replied that we didn't intend to. Luckily, I live in a metropolitan area with a variety of people so the emphasis isn't all on the traditional nuclear family.
Still, people inquire about the damnedest things - salaries, housing costs, etc. I remember a knitting class I took once. There were about a dozen middle-aged women in there and all they did was talk about ex-husbands and the women who weren't there. I felt very uncomfortable. But after six weeks, although I didn't join them in their gossip, it wasn't as shocking anymore. I guess familiarity and "the let it all hang out" mentality of TV breaks down the old boundaries.
|
Hjw
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:12:41 AM new
Hello, sjl1017
Some people are perhaps too sensitive about some issues. I think that a question such as this one..."when are you going to have children"..
could very easily be answered truthfully. What's the big deal? I can't see how this question could be "hurtful."
Although it is a personal question and one that I would not ask, I think that your feelings about answering it are exaggerated. You should spend some time with my mother in law. She would toughen you up! 
If someone told me on Ebay outlook, "Why don't you get a real job?"
I would simply answer, this "is" a real job. If it isn't a real job,
then just answer, "I prefer not to get a real job."
Since you are so well educated in sociology and working with people, I am sure that you will learn how to anticipate such remarks and deal with them gracefully.
Helen
|
hepburn
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:18:27 AM new
sjl1017, some people have to pooh pooh everything off and then lecture on what they perceive to be the correct response or should be the correct answer and attitude. In other words, they are the same kind of people you are talking about and dont like those mirrors.
|
sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:21:35 AM new
Helen - I've watched you bait people on other threads so I know better than to fall victim to it here. Where in my original post did you see me say I had difficulty handling the comment? My question had to do with what makes people think they have the right to ask questions that have nothing to do with them in the first place.
I know plenty of women who have tried unsuccessully to have a child. Being reminded of that is quite painful to them.
I think I'll learn how to use that ignore feature now.
|
Hjw
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:37:12 AM new
sjl1017
I was simply trying to make a contribution to your thread. I don't even know you so I don't understand the baiting allegation.
I have to go to an estate sale...part of my
unreal job on Ebay.
I'm sorry that you have the wrong perception of my post.
Helen
|
bobbi355
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:39:56 AM new
I know what you're talking about sjl1017. My daughter and her husband waited a long time before having a baby, and were constantly asked "when are you going to have a baby"?? These people don't realize that there could be very personal reasons as to why they don't have/want children, and even if it's just because you and your hubby like your life just the way it is, it's NONE of their business. I remember an article in Ann Landers where she advised to just say, "I can't believe you asked me that question". Any half-way intelligent person would back off.
As for the other, I think people just get used to it around here and consider the source.
|
krs
|
posted on June 28, 2001 08:59:24 AM new
So sjl1017, when are you going to get busy and have some children?
|
sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:05:25 AM new
Helen,
If I misinterpreted the tone of your post, I apologize. Post away!
|
sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:06:08 AM new
KRS - we're getting plenty "busy" just not having kids!!!
|
julesy
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:09:09 AM new
30 Is way too old to have children, anyway. Just tell 'em that and pop a few Geritols for appearances sake.
|
chococake
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:12:26 AM new
sjl1017 -
|
oddish4
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:14:36 AM new
I get the same question only in reverse
How many more are you going to have?
What gives you the right to have so many kids?
How dare you have so many children I have to support?
Are they ALL from the same father? (This with their father standing right there and all the kids calling him dad)
The last two questions really irritate me. They assume facts which aren't true and why do they assume that?
I (and my husband) support all our children by ourselves with no government or any other kind of help with the exception of one time when it was the kindness of perfect strangers who helped us.
The next time someone asks me if they are all his I think I shall say
"SHHHHHH He THINKS they are!"
Grrr the nerve.
Oddish~ The Odd One
|
hepburn
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:29:40 AM new
LOL oddish! I always wanted to be part of a large family. Wanna adopt me? Tell your husband I will call him Dad if he wants. Let me know what he says, alright Mom?
|
sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:34:30 AM new
Trying to get away from the baby or not issue. What is it that makes people think they have the right to even ask questions like that in the first place?
Telling a heavy person they should lose weight. Telling a skinny person they should gain it. Asking unmarried people when they are going to get married.
When did we become so bold to complete strangers?
|
oddish4
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:38:44 AM new
sjl1017
It's a good question. One I have always wondered myself but I have no idea why. I am also curious as to why some people care what others do??
Hepburn
If you can wash dishes you are in!! :lol
Oddish~ The Odd One
|
kraftdinner
|
posted on June 28, 2001 09:48:52 AM new
People used to ask me the same thing all the time too sjl1017. I used to say "There's a population explosion going on out there....some of us feel we have a responsiblity to try and help this situation."
Believe me, they won't ask again.....EVER!!
To all of you who have big families, or are from big families, this is not meant as a judgement or anything.....just a line I used to keep people from asking.
|
caravaggio
|
posted on June 28, 2001 10:24:46 AM new
The question I hated the most right after I got married "You did what?!?!?!?!" In fact I still hear it to this day. My husband and I were married in less than two weeks of knowing each other.
[email protected]
Caravaggio/confusedandsleepy are not my names at eBay.
|
sjl1017
|
posted on June 28, 2001 10:28:04 AM new
Caravaggio - How long have you been married now? That's what matters.
|
bunnicula
|
posted on June 28, 2001 11:01:33 AM new
I always got a kick out of a story my mother told me:
My mom & dad got married during WWII--in fact, it was a hurried wedding because my dad was going overseas to fight (he was a marine). EVERYONE immediately began asking when they were going to have children. Even my grandmother. She kept asking and asking and asking. My mother finally had enough & told her: "Mom, if you think I'm going to have a baby in 9 months & six minutes, you've got another think coming!" My sister wasn't born until 1947 (I came along in 1955).
|
caravaggio
|
posted on June 28, 2001 11:09:50 AM new
Three years but no one seems to care about that. Just that we got married In under two weeks. Another one I get that I hate is "When are you going to have kids?". When I try to give a generic answer, they always push. It shuts them up when I tell them "I can't have kids(So one doctor told me) and even if I could now is not the time; I have a degree to get." Another doctor seems to disagree. The "I can't believe you asked me that" is a good one. I had a death in my family that caused me to have to miss my Art History final(of all things) and take an incomplete for a week until I could finish. I had to tell my Prof. she told a one of my firends. This girl did not get the hint I didnt want to talk about it even after I told her I didnt want to talk about it. After about ten minutes of questions and nosing she finally said "Oh you really dont want to talk about this". Duh!!!! Can you say dense or thick?????
[email protected]
Caravaggio/confusedandsleepy are not my names at eBay.
|
bunnicula
|
posted on June 28, 2001 11:56:27 AM new
For myself, I never wanted kids. I don't have much in the way of "maternal instinct." I nipped my troubles in the bud when I was 29 (after a 3 month argument with my doctor--sheesh!). People just can't seem to accept the fact that some women don't want, desire or need kids to have happiness in life--they always say "but what if you get married?!?" My reply to that is:
If I ever get married, and if he wants to hear the pitter patter of little feet around the house, he can buy himself a cocker spaniel. That usually shuts them up...
|
ZILvy
|
posted on June 28, 2001 11:59:53 AM new
This Bunni has attitude, don't mess with the "Librarian" YAY Bunni!!
|
mrpotatoheadd
|
posted on June 28, 2001 12:16:14 PM new
I (and my husband) support all our children by ourselves with no government or any other kind of help with the exception of one time when it was the kindness of perfect strangers who helped us.
Not to be picking nits, but if you had no children and none of the other circumstances of your life were changed, I would be willing to bet you would be paying more of your money to the government in the form of taxes than you currently do. Or are you saying a tax deduction for dependents is not a form of government help?
|
hepburn
|
posted on June 28, 2001 12:18:12 PM new
Oddish, I can wash dishes, but I think I will let my new little brothers and sisters do it. Just so they learn the proper way, of course.
I will direct
|
oddish4
|
posted on June 28, 2001 05:02:22 PM new
Hepburn
Hot Dog! I don't have to supervise?? Hope you are chatty
mrpotatoheadd
ahhhh you're kidding right?
Oddish~ The Odd One
|
hepburn
|
posted on June 28, 2001 05:10:51 PM new
Yes Oddish, I can be chatty. Depending on the topic, of course
Then again, I can make a mean mud pie, too.
|
oddish4
|
posted on June 28, 2001 06:50:37 PM new
Mud pie?????
What are you waiting for, hurry on over!!!
Oddish~ The Odd One
|
hepburn
|
posted on June 28, 2001 07:11:39 PM new
Do you have decent gooey mud where you live? It has to be the sticky kind. And my new brothers and sisters have to get down and dirty with me in the mud patch I make with the garden hose. Also, I will need flour, and food coloring mix for the "frosting". To seal in the flavor, all us siblings must spit on the top, just to make it more flavorful. Then, we all will "frost" the mud pies we make, garnish with small rocks and pebbles and put in the fridge, with saranwrap over it (for that added "real" effect) and when Dad gets home, we all will serve him a slice.
Yes, I did that to my dad
|
