posted on July 3, 2001 10:20:36 AM
Obviously, by this I mean funeral services.
This is a topic which has gotten some attention lately in my family. My father, who is a WWII vet and currently suffering from congestive heart failure, wants taps played at his funeral. My mother is adamantly opposed. I'm inclined to agree with him although I can see her point.
I've been to a funeral where the surviving spouse and his daughter sang all of the deceased's favorite songs - because it was what she had wanted. It was hard on everyone because it was difficult for them to complete despite their beautiful voices.
I'm not sure where I stand on this dilemma - honoring the dead's wish or making a funeral easier for the survivors.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:29:34 AM
Wow. What a decision. I see both sides. However, speaking only for myself, I wouldnt want my friends and family members to grieve so badly, and would want it easier on THEM. Im dead. Doesnt matter what they do with my body. Its just a shell and the spirit is gone. I think showing respect is good, but it smacks of alittle bit of selfishness? Im not being disrespectful, but why else would someone want songs sung and certain music played? They cant see or hear it, so why? The survivor members are the ones that have to deal with the pain and loss, so let THEM handle it the best they can, THEIR way. Myself, I plan to be cremated. No funeral, no songs, no eulogies. Just dump me in the sea afterwards.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:31:23 AM
saabsister...so sorry to hear about your father...IMO although a funeral service IS for the benefit of the living, I feel it should be a celebration of the life that has passed. Once a soul is gone, there won't be too many (if any) more wishes that they could ask, seems fitting the their last wishes be granted.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:32:24 AM
Even though I believe that a funeral is for the living to say good bye to the dead I firmly believe that you should abide by the wishes of the person that has passed . It is the very last decision they ever really get to make that will be carried out on this earth .If it means enough to them to ask that it be done then the least we can do is abide by their wishes if it is at all do-able.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:43:17 AM
saabsister, why is your mother opposed to the playing of taps? Would it be very hard on her to hear it? Or is she upset with the taps itself? Maybe your answer lies in the reasons of why? If my father wanted me to do an Indian rain dance on his grave, I probably would have done it, because I loved him so much and would respect what he wanted. I wouldnt be happy about it, but I would do it because he asked me to. On the other hand, I wouldnt ask my family or friends to do anything they would feel very badly about doing, even if it was my last wishes.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:44:33 AM
My hubby and I have both decided we want our funerals to end as a party. Everyone get together, eat, drink, and be merry. AND discuss the good times. I have been to quite a few in his family that served alcohol at the funeral dinner.
I would like to see it as a celebration of my life.
posted on July 3, 2001 10:45:32 AM
I've discussed this with my husband. He thinks I'm morbid.
Tell the dying anything they want to hear. As often as they want to hear it. Dying is hard, make it as easy as you can, lie if you have to.
If you can actualy do what they want, that's great. If not, do what you have to do. What really matters is if you can get the living to agree on a funeral. And, you still have to live with your choices. You'll recall your actions for a long, long time. I firmly believe that the dead have no idea on what is done in their name.
If I die first, I won't be there. So anything done for my benefit would be a waste. I want a CLOSED casket, so no one will remember me that way. I want the best picture of me for viewing, (I don't care how out-of-date) for people to look at. Maybe a collage of happy occasions, so my family will think only of the good times.
I want the CHEAPEST possible funerary services. If Hefty bags are allowed, get one of those. I don't want our savings buried with me.
I want happy music and a party (at my ex-house) with great food. I don't want my family to be miserable (OK maybe a little). But I do want them to smile when they think of me. Most of the time, a funeral inhibits happy memories. I think so anyway.
posted on July 3, 2001 11:44:40 AM
Hepburn, I think my mother feels that taps is such a final thing, the end. This discussion came up at the hospital about a month ago - we were afraid that my father could die at any moment from a pneumonia that he had developed. Since then the pneumonia is gone but he's still very weak. There was a brief time at the hospital when I got to say the things that I wanted to say to him. and he brought up the subject of taps while we were all there. My mother may have been in denial when she spoke so strongly against taps. Perhaps when the time comes, she'll relent.
I think some of her reaction may come from something that happened to her best friend. When her friend's husband died, he extracted a deathbed promise that mom's friend would never remarry and that she would take care of his 90 year old mother who had always lived next door. My mother was stunned that he would do this to her friend - she had sacrificed so much for this man.(He was not a good provider and his mother had always interfered with their lives.)If anyone deserved a second chance at happiness, this woman did and instead he'd reached out from beyond the grave to smother her. Mom felt that an unreasonable request should be ignored. ( I think she feels that taps is too painful for her.)
[ edited by saabsister on Jul 3, 2001 11:46 AM ]
posted on July 3, 2001 12:03:10 PM
Fortunately, my father who is also a WWII vet and suffers from arterial schlerosis wants only to be cremated as soon as possible and he couldn't care less what anyone does with the ashes. It is unfortunate that a funeral service is required by law in most states -- whether you or the deceased wants one or not.
posted on July 3, 2001 12:05:48 PM
Saabsister: What about having Taps played as everyone is leaving the service or perhaps before the service begins and before your mother arrives?
posted on July 3, 2001 12:38:57 PM
Stockticker, I think it's a good idea to play taps at the end. That way my father gets his wish and my mother won't have to stand there and listen to it.
posted on July 3, 2001 01:03:07 PM
Snowyegret. Thanks for the information on Taps. I'll print it and try to think of a way to give it to my mother. My parents lived in the Schenectady area when I was a child. Also lived near Chattanooga. And now live in Virginia. Maybe the history, of which my father is probably aware, will help sway her.
posted on July 3, 2001 01:12:52 PM
Femme, I've always liked Taps. My parents plan to be buried in a national cemetery. (I always considered Taps as part of the ceremony - perhaps erroneously.)
Two of my three sisters would like to hear Taps. The other hasn't said what her preference would be. I might be mistaken, but I think my mother will change her mind. I hope so.
posted on July 3, 2001 01:16:45 PM
I suppose one way to look at a funeral is as the last opportunity we will have to honor someone.
Some people have very strong feelings about how they want their funerals, some don't.
For those that do, I think every effort should be made to accommodate them.
For those that don't, well, then it becomes for the living and the survivors should do what they feel they must.
I agree with Helen, though, it has become a very profitable business for the "funeral industry" and it "preys" on emotions....it's hard enough to say goodby, but when saying goodby means placing yourself in debt for years to come (and it's not something your suppose to even question or discuss in public-least ye be thought of as selfish, cold AND disrespectful) then it is doubly hard.
posted on July 3, 2001 01:34:20 PM
Helen. Most people I know have tried to thwart the funeral industry by having simple funerals.
I agree with stockticker that funerals can bring closure for many people. They can also celebrate an individual's life. A friend of mine died from AIDS several years ago. He was an accomplished gardener with a wonderful sense of design and a wide ranging knowledge of plants. We helped him in his garden and with another extensive garden that he maintained at a friend's house. After he died, our garden club moved his plants to a public garden, planted them according to his plan, and scattered his ashes among the plants. It was a fitting tribute to his memory. Everytime I visit that garden I think of him and how willingly he helped those of us with brown thumbs.
Like you, I would remember such a wonderful and helpul gardener everytime I looked at a
garden. And, I would do this even if the ash ceremony had not taken place.
posted on July 3, 2001 02:04:02 PM
Helen. I think of him whenever I see certain plants. His taste in loud, nuclear sized (his expression) plants is similar to mine. He was most at home in a garden so his friends decided to remember him there. We met and had a glass of wine in his honor.
I usually don't pay much attention to traditions. I'm not a religious person - only go into churches for funerals,weddings, and architectural tours. I eloped thirty years ago - no formal ceremony, just my husband, the marriage commissioner, his secretary and I. But my parents are very tradional and will have a ceremony.
posted on July 3, 2001 02:07:05 PM
He had a problem like this when my mother died. We all knew she wanted to be cremated. My two sisters didn't want to do it. But that is what she wanted so we did it. I think if you can, you should honor the person's wishes.
I understand your position. I was just stating my personal opinion and preferance.
When I stated that the funeral industry and the florists were the only ones to benefit, I forgot the preacher who may perform a protestant ceremony. I am not familiar with how other religions handle this traditional "donation."
posted on July 3, 2001 02:14:13 PMFuneral services are useless both to the living and the dead.
I think humankind's long tradition of funerary rites, a phenomenon common to virtually every culture since the cavemen, argues against such a statement, Helen.
posted on July 3, 2001 02:29:56 PM
Hello again saabsister. Sorry I didnt respond sooner, but I had to go to a meeting (which was cancelled after I got there). Thank you for answering. Being in your position must be frustrating. But I like stocktickers idea too..to play taps before your mother arrives. That way your dad has his wishes and your mom wont be so upset hearing it. Its so "final", and I can understand her pain in having to hear it. I always feel so bad for people who have been married to each other for so many years..sometimes 50, then one passes on. Can you imagine that? 50 years with one person who was your best friend, confidant, lover. And after 50 long years, one leaves and the other is left behind, alone. How awful that must be, how sad and lonely.
I just depressed myself. You have my good wishes whatever you and your family decides, saabsister.
Victoria, you sound like a blast to be around and would be the same when you "move on". I like your thinking
spelling
[ edited by hepburn on Jul 3, 2001 02:31 PM ]
