posted on June 21, 2001 11:49:07 AM new
Wonderwoman: I suppose you're all wondering why I've called this meeting today?
Staff: (Moving quicky into attentive sitting position from kneeling in worship position.) Yes Ma'am.
Wonderwoman: Our spokesperson, K. Walletmitten has an important announcement to make. Listen up everyone!
K. Walletmitten: Greetings my fellow inmates...er staff members.
I am pleased to announce eBay's latest and greatest innovation. eBay's finest have spent hours upon hours working on this and no doubt you will all quickly agree (or we'll kill you) that this is the greatest site improvement that we have ever dreamt...er come up with to date. Guaranteed to put thousands of dollars into our elite little collective pockets, this clever plan will vastly simplify the operation of our site PLUS vastly reduce seller's stress levels all in one fell swoop!
Drum roll please! (Skippy - you stop beatin' on that chicken leg right now and pay attention, hear!)
eBay wishes to announce that henceforth and from this date forward all sellers will be charged enormous, fixed, monthly listing fees. And what will these listing fees be for? Listings, of course. No more, no less!
First and foremost, this will allow sellers to budget accordingly each and every month. They will be required to pay 10 years in advance thereby reducing their record and accounts keeping practices while at the same time giving we, the great ones, a guaranteed annual income so that we no longer have to work (not that we ever did) for our living.
Secondly, functionality problems will be fixed for good as we have also decreed that sellers will no longer be allowed to actally sell anything on eBay. We have come to the conclusion that it is the seller's fault that our functionality is not functionating properly due to the congestion caused by the bidding activity that occurs when sellers actually manage to get items posted for sale on our 'only a venue' website.
We have no doubts what-so-ever that sellers will continue to be grateful that they are still allowed to post lovely pictures and descriptions of the items now in their possession.
It is expected that this new policy will also bring back some of the fun to the game of online buying and selling (formerly known as online auctions) as it will be quite a challenge for buyers to figure out how to contact sellers about their listings now that this type of thing is against the rules. In fact (Blush) we almost liken this new and innovative way of selling to the sport more traditionally referred to as 'hunting for easter eggs.'
As an added bonus, sellers will also benefit from decreased work load now that they will no longer have to answer stupid email questions from buyers, send EOA messages, pack and ship items and fight with Billpointless over shifty chargebacks, etc. (Not to mention that they will also be free of the hassles of bugging us for NPB alerts and harassing dead-beat bidders, etc.)
We feel that sellers will be overjoyed at this latest proposal, as now they will know exactly how much they must pay eBay each and every month, PLUS, they will enjoy greater freedom and peace of mind now that they will no longer have to deal with buyers who keep trying to send them money everymonth. And for buyers and sellers alike, the fun will at last be restored to online auctions, as they will now be able to buy and sell to their hearts content - anywhere but on eBay that is! YES! We have a winner here ladies and gents!
But there's more! If y'all promise not to tell, I'll let you in on eBay's next marvie top-secret project.
(Glancing furitively over shoulder) eBay is also considering charging buyers a fee as well!
