posted on July 7, 2007 01:11:06 PM new
Gee it's hard getting back into the swing of things after a 2 week break!
I decided two weeks ago today to travel to Oregon to surprise my mom on her 80th birthday - and left the next day. Surprised Pixiamom as well All Mom asked for her bday was to have all 4 of us "kids" there to go through the family things and settle the "who gets what" problem ahead of time. In addition to having some nice things of her own, Mom has been "custodian" of our grandmother's collections (and there are many of them - French and early American paperweights, netsukes, snuff bottles, amber and many big pieces of furniture from the Federalist period..not to mention Grandma's china & silver, great grandma's china & silver etc etc.). Anyway - we worked our way through most of it (and it WAS work!)without so much as an argument. This is truly the way to go! We know what we are getting and when the estate is settled (hopefully in many, many years)can look forward to continued amicability among siblings.
posted on July 7, 2007 04:06:47 PM new
neglus, that's great that your siblings agree. Wish that I could say the same with my mother's family. Some didn't speak for 5 years over practically nothing.
Ridiculous. I tell my kids that I'm spending their inheritance so they won't squabble over it.
posted on July 7, 2007 06:21:39 PM new
How wonderful of your Mom to do that!! I am sure she got a lot of pleasure in knowing her treasures would be safe and appreciated in the right 'hands' and how great you 'sibs' were all able to do that with and for her!!
posted on July 7, 2007 07:00:33 PM new
What a wonderful gift to you all. Another good thing is that she could tell you the "history" of the items. I sell items on consignment for elderly friends and friends who are disposing of family estates. Most of the time, they have absolutely no idea where or when their relatives acquired the items. Get your parents and grandparents to identify the family treasures while they're still around to do it.
posted on July 7, 2007 07:37:00 PM new
No matter how well you get along, I can see there might have been problems with four of you. Your mom is a smart woman.
fLufF
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[ edited by fluffythewondercat on Jul 13, 2007 01:37 PM ]
posted on July 7, 2007 07:50:54 PM new
When I go I'm leaving it all to the Human Society....I like cats and my husbands kids never did anything but cause me hell. I just got rid of the oldest a couple of months ago and a pain in the ass two year old. Never again. She stole me blind and hasn't called since. I hope I never see her or the kid again.
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posted on July 7, 2007 08:20:06 PM new
Some of the things were, frankly, divided up too late. Now that we are at the age of downsizing, the main consideration for the china and sterling are what our children may want. The homemade dollhouse furniture that delighted Neglus & me should have been enjoyed by her girls, now graduated or in college. When the French cylinder music box was "given" to me when I was 5, I never thought I would be be in my fifties when it came to my home. I don't fault my mom, she has taken wonderful care of the antiques. Some items, like the huge stereoptican library would have really been enjoyed by our children.
My mom had finer taste in china, etc. than my Dad's mother (the bulk of the antiques came from her). She held on to it out of obligation, perhaps she should have divided it up earlier - when we were at an age to fully enjoy it.
[ edited by pixiamom on Jul 7, 2007 09:11 PM ]
posted on July 8, 2007 06:12:18 AM new
Fluff,
I am sorry, that sounds horrible. My mother has always been very fair in her treatment of her 4 children, but of course, she really doesn't have much that she will leave. She was a for the most part a single mother supporting us. My father - whom I have not spoken to in several years, nor have my siblings, on the other hand, will have an estate. His wife is the classic stepmother from Cinderella and she slowly started to take all of us OUT of his life. He has never had a backbone and she always wore the pants in his house. I just hope that someday he regrets this big time. He knows nothing about his 9 grandchildren (ranging in age from 25 to a newborn) and yet when I see him at a funeral he talks to me and says he loves me. What a crock!
posted on July 8, 2007 06:51:22 AM new
I feel very blessed after reading some of these posts. My mother died 14 years ago, my dad 4. His will stated share and share alike. I am the oldest of 9. There were no disputes, we would not sully their memories like that. We each took what we wanted (my mother was an avid collector, I sold many of her dolls and toys to support my dad after her death, but there were still many left). The only small dispute happened prior to my dad's death when I asked for an old photo that always hung over the chair he sat in. I wanted it more because it would remind me of converstions we had. He said, "You sister gets the Photos." I was aghast, I had never asked for anything before. I replied, has everyone asked for items in the house, he said, "No, only your sister." (Youngest sister, I have 3 more). When she came to visit. He told her I was getting the photo. She complained a little, but that was that.Everything else was pretty much, you want that, no, you take it, etc.
posted on July 8, 2007 07:39:31 AM new
Fluff - I've started about 20 responses to your post but none of them worked. I agree with pmelcher - "Fluffy, I am so sorry, what a cruel thing to do to you."
posted on July 8, 2007 07:46:21 AM new
to Merrie,
Rather than have bad feelings with your sister, you can take that photo to make a copy either professionally or if you have the software Adobe Photoshop, you can edit old photos.
My mom had only one sister who was pure evil thru and thru. She had manipulated my grandparents throughout her life taking money to live the high life. When they finally put their foot down, they were somewhat broke as she finagled most of their money from them.
One year my brother gave me and out other two siblings copies of many of the family photos that my aunt took before my grandmother passed away. It was the best gift ever.
Mama
posted on July 8, 2007 09:09:09 AM new
So I should be working but instead I'm sitting here in my comfy chair, wondering once again why these issues matter. After all, family heirlooms are just stuff. And Americans especially seem to have far more stuff than they know what to do with.
My maternal grandmother had seven surviving children, who of course went on to have 2.4 children each of their own, so when Grandma died, the house was practically stripped bare. The question is, why? If you have happy memories, don't you still have them without the stuff? Yet there is undeniably something -- I don't know what -- about being able to say, "This is my favorite teapot. It belonged to my great-grandmother."
Is it about storybook endings? I bought a 1930s diamond 3-stone ring at auction once. I used to wear it all the time and I would tell people it had belonged to my grandmother. The truth is she didn't even have a ring and if she had there were at least 21 people with a claim to it when she passed on. Yet it seemed (and seems) like a harmless fib.
Perhaps we who sell on eBay are in the business of mending the holes in peoples' life stories. I bought an old diamond ring at a garage sale: six tiny diamonds set in yellow gold. Put it on eBay with the title Your Grandmother's Engagement Ring. It went for way more than I'd expected. Did the same thing with a Gorham sterling silver dresser set. "This belonged to your great-grandmother. She wanted you to have it."
posted on July 8, 2007 09:23:29 AM new
I don't know what it is about Americans but you are right. Maybe because we don't have "history of place" like people in other countries, we treasure pieces of their past or try to make some history out of things that are newer, antiques out of "vintage".
My husband's brother in Switzerland lives in the house his family has lived in since 1703. When their mother was alive they had stuff from generations and generations all over the place (the stuff wasn't so much treasured as just there). I fell in love with a cupboard in the barn used to store paint - it was hand painted with names and dates from the 1700's (probably a wedding piece). I wanted to crate up a few things and bring them over here. Hubbie said "no way, these things belong here". His mother died, his never married 47 year old brother got married - the new wife got rid of all the "junk" and replaced it with cheap new crap - chrome, plastic and glass...I am so sorry we never got a voice in how things were disposed of!
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posted on July 8, 2007 09:44:06 AM new
Fluffy 'We make lives complete. I like that' What a perfect statement and probably more true than I ever realized. You really are a wonder and I mean that in a very good way.
posted on July 8, 2007 10:54:14 AM new
Mamachia, there are no hard feelings with my sister. She got the rest of the antique photos. I only wanted the one. I would make her a copy if she wanted, but it was settled amicably enough. I am just glad I spoke up when I did. I thought it was sort of gauche to ask for things when the owner was still alive, but now I realize you need to speak up. I was not being grubby. I just loved that photo of my grandmother and her brothers and sister when they were very young. And the feelings are especially strong because when I look at it it reminds me of my father since it always hung over his favorite chair.
posted on July 8, 2007 12:54:50 PM new
I just lost my best friend to lung cancer on June 14, her daughter died one month earlier of pancreatic cancer. While she was still alive but unable to care for herself, her children sold all of her stuff in a garage sale. They never told me about the sale (I live a couple hundred miles away and I would have come), I would have loved to have something of hers - she collected teapots and pig figurines! I have plenty of memories but still I would have liked to have had something that she enjoyed during her life. At the funeral, I asked for a scan of one of the pictures that was displayed. I still have not heard from her son, I guess it is time to call him and ask again.
posted on July 8, 2007 02:50:05 PM new
Just this past week we updated, for California law, our wills, the trust, and our estate. Specified somewhere in one of those documents is the statement that our children may have anything that isn't in dispute. If more than one wants some items, they draw numbers out of a hat, 1, 2, 3. #1 goes first, picks a disputed item, then 32, then #3. I don't think there will be any major disputes, but who knows, ever!?
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posted on July 8, 2007 09:38:30 PM new
I am 63 and my daughter is 44 She was here for a visit last week and jokingly said that she was going to go around the house and put a Post-it-Note on anything she wanted when I die.
We had a good laugh and the next day when we had been out we came home and there on a Brass cat that sits on the woodstove was a big Post-it with her initial on it. We laughed but she will get that cat when I go because I know it is something that holds memories for her.
I have known many elderly folks who do hide notes on items in the house like behind picture frames etc to say who they want that treasure to go to. I think that is a great idea.
All I have of my Mum's is an old charm bracelet and I love it dearly but there were other little things I would have liked.
Fluffy...you are so right as we are in the business of making lives complete. I love it when we sell a piece of china and after the sale the Buyer tells us that it is helping to complete the set her Granny left her.
All Mom asked for her bday was to have all 4 of us "kids" there to go through the family things and settle the "who gets what" problem ahead of time. In addition to having some nice things of her own, Mom has been "custodian" of our grandmother's collections (and there are many of them - French and early American paperweights, netsukes, snuff bottles, amber and many big pieces of furniture from the Federalist period..not to mention Grandma's china & silver, great grandma's china & silver etc etc.). Anyway - we worked our way through most of it (and it WAS work!)without so much as an argument. This is truly the way to go! We know what we are getting and when the estate is settled (hopefully in many, many years)can look forward to continued amicability among siblings.