posted on July 12, 2000 03:10:43 PM new
Bill Gates Microsoft VS General Motors
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General
Motors.
His comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology
over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a
V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000
miles/hour.(160,000km/h) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.
In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you
really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"
GM also responded, if Microsoft built Cars,
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just
accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd
have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd
just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more
seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice
as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent
of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened.
posted on July 12, 2000 04:55:17 PM new
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
is
working fine."
****************************
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer:"Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
****************
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
*************
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
****************
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep
it.
*****************************
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
************
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
***********
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
*************
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
****************
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't
believe
it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe
in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
**************
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?
posted on July 12, 2000 05:13:54 PM new
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
posted on July 12, 2000 06:10:55 PM new
I like this one
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
posted on July 12, 2000 09:08:43 PM new
COMPUTER CAMP
One of those "Dear Jen" letters...
Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan
knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans
and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of
his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot
down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't
know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for
yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way,
can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's
time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
checked, too.
**
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the
glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much
of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the
computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny.
He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to
people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
**
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any
computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less
than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how.
Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't
call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, Bill.
**
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some
money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've
paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.
**
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember,
I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and
government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and
this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.
****
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Miscreant -and proud of it!
[ edited by newguy on Jul 12, 2000 09:14 PM ]
-and proud of it! 
