posted on September 22, 2001 03:40:55 AM
WASHINGTON, "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. We have finally put all of that behind us."
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also reminded Americans of his promise to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, pointing out that the end is at hand and assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in each of the next four years.
"You better believe we're going to keep to mixing it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, . "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"
Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an ten year low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 24.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.
posted on September 22, 2001 07:04:51 AM
And in further headlines:
1) It's discovered that Bill Clinton wants the cigar ban lifted.
2) Al Gore believes one more recount will win him the election, then he will form a commettee on what happened to the "flight challenged Arabs" that accidently crashed...
3) Hillery gave Bill a bath in Whitewater...
4) Greenspan wants to switch over to the Yen...
5) And Bill went back to his Harlem roots and declaired, "My fathers father was just like you!"
These headlines are from the National OnionExclusive paper, brought to you on the wings of fantasy and the heels of despaire.
WOOF!WOOF!!GGGGRRRRRRR, leave my bone or I will slobber on you!
posted on September 22, 2001 07:49:39 AM
Less you think Onion.com is unfeeling and oblivious to the changes that have occurred in our world there is an anouncement on their site.
In light of recent events, The Onion is not publishing new material this week.
For some it isn't business as usual, for others, it is it.
posted on September 22, 2001 07:54:34 AM
Thanks for the info Uaru it did seem more than crass that they would be putting out that kind of an article under these circumstances. Just goes to show ya, for some "old news is good news!"
We need those posters of doom and gloom just so we can recognize that we aren't all that bad off after all. Thanks D&G!
posted on September 22, 2001 07:57:26 AM
Thanks for the picture Zilvy. That wouldn't be that classic performer "Tiny Yapper" at the keyboard in the foreground? Since there were no names I'm going to assume so.
posted on September 22, 2001 08:07:21 AMMuriel call me on the 800 line, I'll only let you hold for 30 minutes and then cut you off!...Did you ever get through or did you give up? I know you know the answer...stop showing off!
WOOF!WOOF!!GGGGRRRRRRR, leave my bone or I will slobber on you!
