posted on December 19, 2001 06:23:56 AM
The boys of the USMC Expeditionary Brigade at Camp Rhino, Afghanistan have
blasted their way to the top of the Bongo Party Hit Parade Chart with their latest
smash single, "I got dem kamikaze camel blues."
The following is from the BBC News of December 12, 2001:
"US marines based at Camp Rhino in southern Afghanistan have been warned about
the danger of attack from 'kamikaze camels.' During their war with Soviet forces
during the 1980s, Afghanistan's mujahideen were known to strap explosives to camels
and send them towards enemy positions. Just days after the warning from US
intelligence services, soldiers [they mean jarheads] guarding Camp Rhino at night
[when it's dark and scary!] say they saw a camel running inside the camp compound.
They were so alarmed by the appearance of the camel that they opened fire, but when
they went to investigate it afterwards the animal had mysteriously disappeared. 'It was
a pretty crazy night,' recalls Lance Corporal Jesse Mendoza. 'I had my NVGs (night
vision goggles) on and I saw a big old camel running in the compound,' the
20-year-old from Fresno, California said. And Mr. Mendoza was not the only one to
see the beast. Its sudden appearance caused several spooked marines to fire off their
guns. Just days before they had been briefed by intelligence officers on the use of
'kamikaze camels.' But a number of the soldiers [they mean jarheads] had fired at the
camel and when they went to search for its remains afterwards, the mystery deepened
- for neither hide nor hair of the beast could be found. 'They put a hell of a lot of
rounds in it but they never found it,' Mr. Knox said. ... Mr. Mendoza insists they hit the
camel because they had marked it with eight or nine lasers as they fired. Adding to the
enigma, just two nights after the camel incident, the camp's perimeter fence was
attacked by Taleban or al-Qaeda fighters. In response the marines fired dozens of
mortars at the interlopers, but the next day there was no sign of bodies."
Night vision goggles are trippy. Objects appear as quivering, luminous green
silhouettes, silhouettes that perhaps owe as much of their form to the mind's eye as to
the electronics of the goggles. There are two basic possibilities here - either the camel
was a perfectly ordinary Afghan camel, or it was one of a rarer and much more
dangerous breed, Camelus Hallucinatius Afghanistanus. This troublesome beast has
been annoying invaders of Afghanistan since the time of Alexander the Great, who
reportedly threw his spear at one of the luminous green critters when it invaded his tent
during an all-night drinking party. Regrettably, the nimble beast made good his escape,
and has continued to vex interloping foreigners ever since, next the Russians, and now
our very own Glorious Imperial Marines.
A careful examination of the evidence does not rule out either type of camel. Hey, it
could have been a real camel. After all, eight or nine jarheads spraying their gats on full
rock 'n' roll with high-tech laser sights probably couldn't hit a camel beyond a distance
of, say, five meters. And a real camel might well have managed to penetrate the
USMC defensive perimeter twice, once when it boogied into the compound unseen,
and again when it escaped under the sustained, blazing fire of multiple automatic
weapons. Even if it was a Camelus Hallucinatius Afghanistanus, well, the jarheads can't
be expected to hit such a disembodied luminosity, can they now? Therefore, in either
case, our Glorious Imperial Marines are off the hook, and I say "Well done! And
medals all around for our stalwart Camp Rhino defenders, the pride of the USMC."
In fact, I have been inspired to create a new gong to commemorate this desperate and
valiant defense of Camp Rhino, a lonely outpost basking under the baleful influence of
the menacing Afghan moon. It features a luminous green silhouette of a galloping camel
suspended from a black ribbon with red, white and blue trim. Wear it with pride, guys.
Similar incidents were not unknown in Vietnam. One night, a mellow soldier returning
from an evening of disporting himself at a local opium den was attacked by a
Tyrannosaurs Rex that suddenly loomed up in his path. He drew his .45 and emptied
the clip at the terrifying, prehistoric predator before fleeing. The next morning, his
fellow soldiers reported that the forklift parked outside their tent had a flat tire. I advise
other Afghan-bound units to be on the lookout for these dangerous dromedaries, and I
predict more sightings, especially when the moon is full.
posted on December 19, 2001 09:36:47 AM
This reminds me of the time that my husband shot his reflection in his mother's antique mirror. He had just returned from a High School party....aimed the rifle at the mirror while admiring himself and shot the mirror. The only difference between this story and the camel story is that next morning there was a considerable amount of evidence.
