posted on May 14, 2005 11:54:15 AM
Anyone else like to contribute to this joke thread? I think we all could enjoy a little humor.
Here's mine to start out:
Man of The House
A man had just finished listening to the audio book "Man of The House" while driving home from work.
Encouraged by what he had heard, when he arrived home he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law!
You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
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.
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"The funeral director is my guess," said his wife.
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Come on now...posts some that have made you laugh.
posted on May 14, 2005 11:58:23 AM
Linda_K
posted on May 14, 2005 10:23:37 AM
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No roll, helen. Just responding to your nonsense you posted above.
Maybe YOU can explain to all of us here, why you believe YOU are privileged in some way and have the right to insult people, including a whole group of posters here, but then feel you can tell me or anyone else to THINK ABOUT how they're insulting others?
I'd sure like to hear how YOU don't see that as being hypocritical or another one of YOUR double standards.
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Four More Years....YES!!!
posted on May 14, 2005 12:38:02 PM
Linda_K
posted on May 14, 2005 12:32:42 PM new
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ROFLMHO at helen's double standard once again.
It's OKAY for her to call someone that name....but not okay if another forms a list.
LOL LOL LOL LOL
And I'm the one who should review MY statements here? yea...right helen.
---------------
Libra you're right. President Bush invited ALL suggestions on a workable solution on our upcoming SS crisis to be put on the table. How did the dems respond? Only by being negative and ojecting to everything suggested. Offering NO SOLUTIONS of their own, they even went so far as to say there WAS NO CRISIS....while, of course forgetting that their leader, clinton, had also said the system needed to be changed....QUICKLY. C
They couldn't offer any suggestions....just tear down what someone else is trying to improve.
People are seeing their obstructionism....the un-cooperative ways of the left. THEY'RE unwillingness to work together for the benefit of our Nation.
--
And to answer your question, dbl, yes it helps. Imo, when the democratic party threatens to shut our government down because things aren't going the way they wish them to....that says a lot to people about which party doesn't really CARE about democracy...about improving systems that are for the people. And that party is the democratic party.
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Four More Years....YES!!!
posted on May 14, 2005 01:18:58 PM
crow-are you on drugs or just a complete assh*le??....just wondering
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 14, 2005 01:23:05 PM
Why, whatever are you talking about, classless ?
linduh posted "Come on now...posts some that have made you laugh. ""
And I did.......
How about your charming referral to the South in the EO?....Yes, I guess YOU are "complete"
posted on May 14, 2005 01:24:09 PM
no, I was just telling it like it is..if ya dont like it, too bad.
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
posted on May 14, 2005 03:05:03 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS
UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE
WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT
BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE
BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,I'M
SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED THE PILOT WHAT
HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
posted on May 14, 2005 03:13:01 PM
GW Bush and the Queen of England
At Heathrow Airport in London, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but
dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in silver
1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an
open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As
they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
dignity. But suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear
horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting
blast of flatulence.
The coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but
maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore
the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
"Mr. President," she said." Please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't
said
something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
posted on May 15, 2005 04:20:44 AM
A Pakistani arrives in New York City all excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... "
"The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Chinese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you, Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence. "I no be American, I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American.
He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country."
"I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican. "
"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??"
The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."
Amen,
Reverend Colin
[urlhttp://www.reverendcolin.com[/url
posted on May 15, 2005 06:37:59 AM
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, #*!@!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
____________________________________________
Dick Cheney: "I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11..."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
____________________________________________
Dick Cheney: "I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11..."
posted on May 15, 2005 06:56:12 AM
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
____________________________________________
Dick Cheney: "I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11..."
posted on May 15, 2005 09:42:42 AM
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples.
Ron
[ edited by WashingtoneBayer on May 15, 2005 09:44 AM ]
posted on May 15, 2005 10:55:17 AM new
Just a little off-color humor....
One evening in a little local bar an extremely overweight and unattractive woman walked in and perched on a barstool, wearing a tank top and spandex capris. She raised her arm (showing armpit hair that looked like a large rodent), looked around and bellowed, "Who'll buy a lady a drink?"......The men all looked away and were silent. "Are you all homos? I asked, Who'll buy a lady a drink?"
Well, Classicrock and Yellowstone (our heroes) were sitting at the end of the bar, both three sheets in the wind. Classic tells the bartender "Give the Ballerina a drink!" She finished her cosmopolitan, "Who'll buy a lady a drink?" Yellow tells the bartender, "Give the Ballerina a drink!"
After another round and another request by the ballerina, the bartender asked our heroes, "Why do you keep referring to THAT as a ballerina?" To which the boys replied, "Any woman who get her leg straight up in the air has GOT to be a ballerina!"
posted on May 15, 2005 11:48:32 AM new
twikg, that is supposed to say: three sheets TO the wind ..dont suppose the joke writer has been much irish educated...LOL!
I dont think that would offend anybody except our MIA Ms. Maggie ferocious fighting femme fatale that she is.
Which if youre reading this Maggie, hurry home soon! The sock puppet is outta control!!
spelling
[ edited by dblfugger9 on May 15, 2005 11:58 AM ]
posted on May 15, 2005 07:10:13 PM new
dbl- I was trying to go from memory...I think it said inebriated, but wasn't certain if I could spell it correctly.
posted on May 16, 2005 03:38:41 AM new
"One evening in a little local bar an extremely overweight and unattractive woman walked in and perched on a barstool, wearing a tank top and spandex capris. She raised her arm (showing armpit hair that looked like a large rodent), looked around and bellowed, "Who'll buy a lady a drink?"......The men all looked away and were silent. "Are you all homos? I asked, Who'll buy a lady a drink?"
Twig-I think you must have me mixed up with someone else-I never saw crowfart in a bar,nor would I buy her a drink.
Yellow on the other hand probably was.You know him,he'll screw anything as long as its alive-even then Im not quite sure
Of course the one thing ya never say in a gay bar..."may I push in your stool??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
[ edited by classicrock000 on May 16, 2005 03:59 AM ]
posted on May 17, 2005 04:10:17 PM new
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
posted on May 18, 2005 03:33:48 AM new
Give a man a fish and he'll ask for a lemon. Teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Friday. -- Unknown
posted on May 21, 2005 09:34:25 AM new
A chicken and an egg were lying in bed.The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on his face.The egg,looking a bit pissed off,grabs the sheet,rolls over,and says
"Well,I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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Baseball season has started,but they have it all wrong.3 strikes and you're out,4 balls you walk.I can tell you right now a man with 4 balls could not possibly walk
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
_____________________________________________
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious
Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America..
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.
