posted on February 18, 2001 07:28:26 PM new
Well, my youngest has succeeded in making me feel like dirt all week.
Before I moved to our new home with DH, 400 miles from Nick, we bought him a double wide trailer house. he was tired of living in an apartment while going to college. We paid all the deposits, etc, to have it delivered to the fanciest park in town, where all the college kids live-pools, clubhouse, gated, etc. He will have to pay 250 dollars a month on the house,plus utilities, and we'll pay the rest.
Because we had so much snow, the ground is soft and they can't deliver it yet. Nick has called me twice this week to gripe about how much trouble moving, connecting utilities, etc, is, and because he can't get in the house yet.
He's only 18 1/2 and I feel awful because I didn't stay there and take care of all this for him. I did make arrangements for a friend to deal with the movers, check the house when it's set up, and all that. But I feel so guilty for moving so far away that I can't take care of all this for him that I just want to cry!
He works for UPS at night, and had to file taxes, so he's also mad because he had to pay the tax man half of his return to figure his taxes. So now he doesn't have enough money left to go skiing! Now, I know you're going to say he sounds like a spoiled brat, but he's really not..much. But he sure is making me feel terrible-mostly guilt for moving so far away. Please tell me I'm not that bad!?!?
posted on February 18, 2001 07:48:33 PM new
Bearmom,You are not bad,to him.Boy has to have a little reality.Now is a good time.
You cant make the world go round for him at a distance and a certain age.You are beating
yourself up,No need to do that if you want to live a ripe old age.(just my opinion)
posted on February 18, 2001 08:26:00 PM new
I'm with KRS on this one. You bought the boy a house and he has the nerve to beef because Mommy isn't there to take care of him?
Lady, cut the apron strings. He's old enough to stand or fall on his own. He'll never learn how to be an independent, fully functioning adult if you don't.
And yes, I have children. The younger kitten is the same age as your boy and in college, too.
posted on February 18, 2001 08:32:33 PM new
After having just finished about 10 loads of laundry for my son - almost 21 and in his third year of college and lives right around the corner in the frat house (too close!), I'd like to move about 400 miles away and not give out my address. But.... since my daughter who has been living in Japan for the past two years will be coming home next month, I guess I'll have to keep the address I have now.
And yes, I'm a sucker for doing his laundry. He's a good kid and he did volunteer to help me sort it!
You're not a bad mom and believe me, your son will survive!
posted on February 18, 2001 08:42:30 PM newBearmom, I would say that you are a pretty good mom, and Nick is a normal son. His griping is normal for his age, and you are his mom so who else can he complain to that will listen with in the same way.
He is only 18 and although he is a man (by law) he is still your little boy to a large degree and is probably every bit a nervous as he is excited by the prospect of living in his own home and away from mom and dad, and hey I can remember feeling pretty overwhelmed by the first tax statement. It is also a big step to go from paying out a few dollars here and there for whatever you want to having to pay for rent, food, ect.
Take a big pat on the back, because I would say that this kid is going to do alright. At least he knows he can call you and if he has a major problem you will be able to guide him in the right direction.
posted on February 18, 2001 08:45:15 PM new
He will survive. He's just had a crash course in Reality 101. If he's going to make it thru college, he'll probably have to learn this lesson over and over and over again. You're not a terrible mother...gee, my kids would have loved for us to buy them a house when they were in college. I told them that they were lucky we were so poor they could qualify for loans!! Your job now is to cheer him on from afar. A sympathic ear and possitive words are all you need to give him now.
posted on February 18, 2001 10:49:13 PM newBearmom It sounds like you've given him a great start. If he's like most 18 year olds he's torn between wanting to be an adult and still wanting to be a child. Your best move is to help him become an adult by leaving him to handle these relatively minor problems by himself. This is the perfect time to make him stand on his own and for him to learn that he really can handle his own business. I wouldn't feel guilty for a minute.
posted on February 18, 2001 11:34:24 PM new
Upon my 18th birthday, I enlisted, and was in bootcamp, the youngest woman in my barracks. This southern girl found herself in Cape May NJ in the dead of winter, sometimes in a skirt and heels ( what morons the men were who ran the thing, I like to see them bare-legged in 2 foot of snow).
In bootcamp, you can't have more than a pittance out of your paycheck til you graduate, and I spent what I had on cigarettes, so I had NO money. And Uncle Sammy was taking his cut as well.
I had nothing that I didn't pay for myself. Your son has it better than goooood. And you can tell him I said so.
posted on February 19, 2001 05:29:18 AM new
No, Snowy, I'm not kidding. You must understand that I have no family other than hubby and the kids, so being separated from them is extra tough. Even when they all left for college, they were only an hour away.
I know he's capable of doing whatever needs done, he's really very mature for his age. It's just that I feel like I've deserted them all by moving so far away. It probably bothers me a lot more than it does them. Add that to a little homesickness after leaving a place I've lived 15 years, and I'm really having a pity party for myself!
posted on February 19, 2001 05:41:26 AM new
bearmom....NO, you are not a terrible mother! You will always be concerned for your children..no matter what the age! And you go right ahead and have your pity party...a good cry always helps! A big bearhug from me to bearmom! It is a double whammy when you are so far away from them. Believe me when I tell you this....ONE day they will appreciate all you have done. (Mine are 30 & 31) Because of the age he is right now, you won't know it for awhile. Hang in there and do what that motherly gut (instinct) tells you to do! You are a wonderful mother cause you wouldn't be feeling the way you do if you weren't.
posted on February 19, 2001 05:41:49 AM new
Sounds to me like your moving away was the best thing that ever happened to the kid if you will just stop trying to shield him from the harsh reality of dealing with the world long distance. Otherwise I can see you still calling the movers and utilities and trying to make sure he is free to ski when he is 40.
When I got married at 18 and moved out my Mom and Dad did not ask me if I had enough money or what we were going to do or if we had a budget. They figured I was on my own and that was my problem. I never expected any more.
And no we were no alienated in any way - we visited and called - I just never concieved that I would grow up to be a mooching mama's boy.
Oh yes - you say the YOUNGEST kid. Are you still taking care of the older kids this way or do you treat him different?
[ edited by gravid on Feb 19, 2001 05:43 AM ]
posted on February 19, 2001 08:21:18 AM new
The oldest is married and a senior in college-but he was always very independent. But when he and his wife had their first car wreck-broadsided by a nut-I was at the hospital in 45 minutes, counting the time it took to get out of my pj's and drive 80 miles! They were fine, the car was totalled, and yes, I went and rented them a car, took them out to eat, called the next day to check on them again.
I will always be there to help when they ask for it-that's what being a MOM is. However, when they have a fight and daughter in law or son come to me, I tell them I don't want to hear about it; they will have to work these things out between them. That's not helping, it's interfering. I won't give up helping when asked, ever!
posted on February 19, 2001 08:33:08 AM new
bearmom....please don't feel like you have the need to defend yourself. Some ppl just like to scold and have no understanding of where you are coming from. Your children (although they will appreciate it one day....will probably never thank you and that is normal) will always make you feel "guilty" in one form or another. But, really, it is not that THEY are making you feel guilty.....you are doing it to yourself. Of course, you drove like you know what to get to them.....the point is, you are doing fine and you don't have to be defensive......THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
posted on February 19, 2001 08:57:15 AM new
Bearmom, please don't feel bad about not being there to handle all the details. I never made my son handle any details and now at 23 he struggles to budget his money, and has a hard time prioritizing things in his life -- I blame myself, because I never made him do it, and I always jumped in to help him out when he got in trouble. He still has a hard time understanding how his money runs out so quick (forget that fact that he bought 20 CDs in a month, or HAD to have $100 shoes, or HAD to have another phone line -- these are all emergencies to him).
This is a great opportunity for your son to learn some responsibility. I wish I had done it, as I have only caused my son to be totally clueless when it comes to managing his life. You are not hurting your son at all; in fact, this is probably a good learning experience for him.
posted on February 19, 2001 10:23:18 AM new
Bearmom: When I was 19 I was a mother, a wife, and living in a grown up world. This will be a great learning experience for him.
posted on February 19, 2001 11:56:08 AM new
Bearmom....on the flip side of this situation is a wonderful opportunity for you. My youngest of four is now in Grad school and the other three got married in the past 18 mos...for me that spells freedom. The empty nest never looked so good. I am pleased with my adult children and we have a great relationship, but their problems belong to them now. My husband and I now have time for us. Be pleased with yourself for lauching your children into the adult world...that to me, is the best thing a parent can do. My children are literally all over the globe and I have no other close family, so I can appreciate your loneliness. But, back to my original statement, now is time for you. Take this opportunity to do things you like to do.
posted on February 19, 2001 12:16:23 PM new
bearmom - ...understand that I have no family other than hubby and the kids, so being separated from them is extra tough.
I can really identify with that. We are part of a group of friends who moved 1100 miles from our families and the adjustment for all of us was very hard and took time. Many of the feelings you shared, we felt too. Some of our friends grown children called and begged their parents to move back 'home'. It has turned out to be in everyone's best interest. The children become more self-sufficient and the adults can begin to give up some of the responsiblity and start enjoying their lives in a different way.
I totally agree with the posts of nanastuff. And will add, things will get easier as time goes on and you and your son will both benefit from this separation. Give it a little time, give him a supportive helping hand/ear, and you'll look back on this differently than you're seeing it now.
posted on February 19, 2001 12:29:00 PM new
I adore my Mother-in-law because she gave me a husband that knew how to do laundry, manage a bank account and cook a mean turkey dinner. There are lots of other things he can do too---but I think she did a great job in raising her baby into a 'Grown-up'--and not just a baby to pass to some other woman to take care of.
Let your baby 'grow-up'----stop feeling guilty. Remember when he was learning to walk and he would fall and if you left him alone he got back up and I bet he can walk just fine now----it's time to do it again.
posted on February 19, 2001 01:26:01 PM new
Silly Bearmom,
When he calls to gripe instead of feeling guilty just smile. Truth be known, he's probably not seeking help as much as he is just looking for an excuse to talk to MOM. He misses you as much as you miss him.
posted on February 19, 2001 01:34:50 PM new
Thanks, inside-that's a great way to look at it! He did call again today to tell me he would be able to move in Wednesday, and did well on his geology test. I was glad to hear from him-thank God for 'call home' phone numbers!
Thanks everyone for your advice. I know he's very capable, I raised them to be. But I still like to know I'm needed occasionally!
