Muriel
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posted on March 15, 2001 02:38:40 PM
We were having a discussion today at work about a situation with someone we know. I would love to get all your opinions because they are always so varied and insightful - excepe for Barry (what, me worry?) Barris. His are just fun.
Anyway, here is the story in a nutshell:
1) "Jane Doe" is engaged to "Joe Blow".
2) Jane and Joe have a fight.
3) Jane sleeps with an old boyfriend.
4) Jane and Joe eventually get married and the old boyfriend is forgotten - UNTIL...
5) Jane turns up pregnant.
6) Jane and Joe eventually divorce.
7) Many years later it becomes apparent that Baby Doe looks exactly like the old boyfriend, and more than likely Joe Blow is NOT the father, rather the old boyfriend is. Baby Doe thinks Joe is his father. Joe does not know about this.
The dilema: Should Baby Doe (who is now in his twenties) be told that Joe probably isn't his father, or is that a can of worms that does NOT need to be opened? OR - should it only be brought to light if there is a medical problem and family medical history is needed for Baby Doe?
Okay gang, let's have it.
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mivona
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posted on March 15, 2001 02:59:11 PM
Should not be told, and I would need to know what kind of "medical" situation would warrant it? Not the need for the standard medical history, for sure.
Why would he need to know his "biological" father? If the man who raised him is his "dad", what more is needed?
It would strain his relationship with his dad, and probably do nothing for a relationship with his "father". There would probably have to be a test to show the probability of him being the son of the other man, or not the son of his "dad". To what purpose?
Why would he need to know?
If "Joe Blow" has never behaved as a father, and the son has effectively been fatherless, I could better understand the desire to unmask his father. But... will the "father" accept him as his son? If not, why bother? What does it matter? The energy taken to prove paternity is not worth it in this case, where there is nothing to be gained from it (not even child support).
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:06:05 PM
Big honking can of worms.
Somethings are better left unopened, far too many people would be hurt with this one, and the joy would be for few.
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Muriel
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:06:23 PM
FYI - Mivona, that was the general concensus.
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Muriel
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:08:07 PM
Wait - I left something out. The boyfriend knew that he got Jane pregnant, but then moved away and hasn't seen her since. Just one of the details. Not really relevant.
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:14:51 PM
no matter---unless he is coming to find his child---then the child should be told before the biological father does the telling.
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Linda_K
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:19:22 PM
The boyfriend knew he got Jane pregnant? Then Jane knew too and has deceived both her son and her husband/now ex all these years. "Not really relevant?" It was to me.
What I'd like to see would be for Jane to tell (now adult) son the truth and let him decided if he wants to go any further with it.
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:26:02 PM
by jane telling now--she is just relieving her guilt---hurting her divorced husband (she might want this) and hurting the relationship between father and son (another goal maybe?).
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Linda_K
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:45:38 PM
Hi Zazzie - I don't see it as a way of her relieving her guilt, while that may happen. If she wanted to relieve her guilt, she probably would have already told someone. She (it appears to me) wants to keep it a secret. If other people are 'noticing' a resemblance between the son and his birth father, and are talking about it, I'd rather see the mother be truthful to her son than for someone to take it upon themselves to let this little secret out of the bag. Then the son's trust of his mother may be affected.
To me this is about the son's right to know, and let this adult make whatever decisions he decides to.
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Muriel
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posted on March 15, 2001 03:47:13 PM
Hi, it's me popping in. Everyone go to the "Opinions are like..." thread and read the truth about this situation. 
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ypayretail
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posted on March 15, 2001 07:55:12 PM
When making decisions on whether or not to reveal family gossip, lore or facts you have to look at the value to that decision.
This young man grew up with a father and the potential bio dad who may not be the bio dad had his life.
Why interrupt and spring chaos on these respective lives solely to tell said young man that possibly his 'REAL' dad may not be and another man out there may be his father?
IMHO -
I see no value but a lot of hurt. A sperm donor does not a father make. This is a young man who does not need a father, he has one.
Then the questions would start. Questions and scenarios that would take place that all lead to chaos and not much good:
The mothers fidelity and ethics
The bio dad's life and family and their disruption
Fantasy about bio dad and would he truly be able to live up to it
The 'real' father hurt and disappointment that his 'real' son may want to search out bio dad.
etc
etc
etc
IMHO -
There would be no reason for this possibility to surface unless proven medical problem. Since the young man is in his twenties - that is probably not going to happen.
If the mother is feeling guilty - then she needs to live with that the rest of her life but it is not her son's burden to bear.
Besides does bio dad have his own family and does he even know - serious resentment there on his part if he finds out he is the father and the bio mother waited twenty years to tell him it was possible.
Two many hurt feelings - tell whomever thinks they need to spread the possiblity to keep their trap shut and leave it alone!! Of course, just IMHO
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mybiddness
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posted on March 15, 2001 08:27:54 PM
Ypayretail As I read it - she's saying the father does already know. I guess this one proves how our opinions are colored by our own experiences. I would encourage the mother to tell him the truth as soon as possible.
Years ago my aunt B had a little boy that she decided to give up for adoption. My aunt M wanted a baby and so she adopted her sister's son. Aunt M always told her son that he was adopted but never told him that the woman he thought was his aunt was really his mother. He was in his early twenties when a relative slipped up and revealed it to him.
To this day he hasn't forgiven his adoptive mother for keeping that a secret from him. In his view he had not only been lied to for all of these years but he also felt betrayed when he learned that he was practically the only relative in the family who didn't know the truth about his own birth.
I think a kid deserves to know the truth and then let the chips fall where they may. JMO!
Not paranoid anywhere else but here!
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 08:32:41 PM
my mother had a child before she was married--she never told my father like so many women. But for some reason --us kids knew there was a secret--and she finally told us about. It would have broken my father's heart to hear about this and we knew he wouldn't recover.
But off we went to find her--which we did 3 years later and lo and behold--she was the spitting image of my mother. My mother and her became great friends, and it was a joy to see---looking back over my mother's diaries--every year on this first born's birthday there was a comment that you wouldn't understand unless you knew about the adoption.
Was my father ever told?? No--he wasn't--did he ever notice the resemblance--nope.
Did I feel bad about keeping a secret from him?? No--I didn't, and not because he was a terrible man--he wasn't. But this was sonething he just didn't need to know---it would have served no purpose--except to cause him pain
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malady
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posted on March 15, 2001 08:50:02 PM
Sounds like a family I know.
The man remarried and his second wife is the one that told him she thought his daughter, (in this case), was not his.
He and his first wife married when she was a few months pregnant. He always assumed he was the father but as time passed and another child was born (and the 2 children did not resemble each other) the thought did occur that he may not be the father to the first child.
The second wife has told me he doesn't care. He raised her as his own and he doesn't want to find out. The daughter is now in her twenties and isn't in much contact with him anymore.
[ edited by malady on Mar 15, 2001 08:51 PM ]
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mouseslayer
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posted on March 15, 2001 09:10:14 PM
Considering said child is now an adult, he should be told. Children do not like being lied to. Trust me, I have been lied to myself (no, I'm not adopted  ). Then he has the choice as to whether he wants to pursue it further as in having a DNA test to make sure and/or finding his father. The only reason I could see not telling him is if he were already mentally screwed up and it could push him over the edge. Like a few others have said, it's bound to slip out sooner or later. How do you think he would feel if another family member slipped or he found papers or something after his mother died? Then he would never be able to resolve it with Mom, she would be gone already. Or if it was a slip from a family member he would be pissed at her for not being the one who told him.
JMHO
~^~  Hippy wannabe  ~^~
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 09:14:01 PM
as an adult---he'll most likely understand that his father loves him and his mother loves him.
What papers??--the father that raised him is listed as his birth father
That boy who was adopted by the mother's sister is a different story altogether--everybody knew but him---in this one nobody knows but the mother
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mouseslayer
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posted on March 15, 2001 09:33:05 PM
Any scrap of paper, a diary, a letter, who knows? Most people have something somewhere that can be found that tells a truth. It never ceases to amaze me how skeletons come out of the closet in my family, whether is by word of mouth or cleaning out personal papers after someone dies. After my last grandmother died, my mom was the one cleaning out her stuff. Mom discovered she'd been married before. No children, but it was one of those deep dark secrets people of past generations tended to keep and still a shock.
And you're right Zazzie, as an adult he's likely to know that the father that raised him is the one that matters. But he should still be given the choice to find out the truth. Lying is hurtful when the truth is found out.
*edited for clarity
~^~ Hippy wannabe ~^~
[ edited by mouseslayer on Mar 15, 2001 09:36 PM ]
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Linda_K
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posted on March 15, 2001 09:39:24 PM
Zazzie - How wonderful that your mother and your half sister were re-united and were able to form a friendship. I can only imagine what a heavy burden this 'secret' must have been to your mother. How wonderful it was the long held secret saw the light of day. I always love happy endings.
Please don't take this the wrong way, because this is only meant for you to consider. If your sisters and you were aware that 'something' was 'up' and when you saw the resemblance in your (newly found) sister to your mother, do you really think you're father might not have noticed also and just never wanted to talk about it openly? I know in my family, my grandparents and even my own mother (if she were still alive she'd be 83) weren't real big on open and honest discussions. They felt hurtful things were better left unsaid. No need for you to answer, just wanted to share a thought. Hope I haven't offended.
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Zazzie
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posted on March 15, 2001 10:08:03 PM
I left out one tiny piece of information on how my father did not see the resemblance.....he was blind.
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Linda_K
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posted on March 15, 2001 10:14:44 PM
Zazzie - That makes it easier to understand. Thank you for sharing.
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