posted on April 18, 2001 06:33:22 AM new
Chortle, chuckle, snicker, grin...whatever your pleasure....just enjoy and share one of your favorites....!!!
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. But there was one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. From then on the parrot started shouting out in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. After all, it was the captain's parrot.
Then, on one cruise, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it,
the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back.
"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
[ edited by zilvy on Apr 18, 2001 01:46 PM ]
[ edited by zilvy on Apr 18, 2001 01:47 PM ]
posted on April 18, 2001 06:58:02 AM new
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes
pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just
about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated
on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're
not going to believe this. You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's
your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his
son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have
something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
posted on April 18, 2001 07:09:36 AM new
A little old but still good.....
America's Military
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
watched as our government underwent a peaceful
transition of power.
I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.
I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force
One for the final time.
It may surprise you that this made me sad,
But watching this part of the days festivities, I
saw 21 U.S.Marines,in full dress, with rifles, fire a
21 gun salute to the outgoing president.
It was then that I realized how far America's military
had deteriorated.
posted on April 18, 2001 07:43:51 AM newI have deleted your post as it contained language that is offensive. Please keep the principles of basic etiquette in mind as you post.
What did I miss? Helen Tell me in code. It must have been good to get deleted that fast.
edited for UBB
Not paranoid anywhere else but here!
[ edited by Mybiddness on Apr 18, 2001 07:44 AM ]
posted on April 18, 2001 12:21:42 PM new
Two boys are playing football in Golden gate park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by ane sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Forty Niners Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." The reporter starts again.
"Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continues writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said.
"I thought everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or the Raiders. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"
posted on April 18, 2001 01:48:13 PM new
A man gets a dog, feeds it, loves it, pampers it and the dog looks upon it's master with great love and admiration and thinks: "This man must be a God!"...
A man gets a cat, feeds it, loves it, pampers it, and the cat thinks: "I AM a God!"....
******** Gosh Shosh!
posted on April 18, 2001 02:35:54 PM new
There were three explorers searching through the rainforest for the last remnants of an ancient civilization. Coming upon the ruins, the started taking treasures and valuables. As one of them picked up a very large ruby, out from the hole where it was placed came the spirit of the Tribe's chief, followed by six or seven ghostly guards! The Chief said, "YOU HAVE ANGERED THE MIGHTY SPIRITS OF KAPULMINARYRECUSSITATIONISCA! IF YOU CANNOT PERFORM TWO TASKS, WE WILL DEVOUR YOUR BODIES AND CRUNCH ON YOUR SKULLS!"
The Explorers were eager to accept this challenge.
"VERY WELL. FIRST, GO INTO THE JUNGLE AND GATHER TEN OF ANY FRUIT. THEN, RETURN HERE." And off they went.
The first explorer returned several minutes later with ten kiwi fruits. "WELL DONE," said the spirit leader, "NOW, SHOVE ALL OF
THEM INTO YOUR RECTUM, MAKING NO NOISE." The poor guy did his best, but only managed one.
The second explorer returned several minutes later with ten tiny little berries. "WELL DONE," said the spirit leader, "NOW, SHOVE
ALL OF THEM INTO YOUR RECTUM, MAKING NO NOISE." The guy managed nine, looked at the jungle and started laughing his head off.
The first and second explorers met in the afterlife. The first explorer said to the second explorer, "Why did you laugh? You
were so close!" The second explorer replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"
posted on April 18, 2001 02:41:38 PM new
A thief broke into a home in the dark of
night, armed with only a pen light.
He spotted a CD Player grabbed it and
dropped it in his bag. At that moment a
disembodied voice yelled out of the
darkness..."Jesus is watching you!"
Terrified the thief shut off his light and
stood very still. When nothing happened
he turned on the light and flashed it on the
stereo player. As he was pulling out the wires
the voice once again said, "Jesus is watching
you!"
The thief flashed his light around the room and
discovered a Parrot in the far corner. He hissed
at him, "Did you say that?" To which the Parrot
responded, "I'm only trying to warn you."
"What is your name?" the thief asked. "Moses,"
replied the Parrot. "What kind of stupid people
would name a Parrot, Moses" asked the thief?
"Same people that named the Rotweiller, Jesus,"
replied the Parrot!
posted on April 18, 2001 02:51:23 PM new
Jim invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, Jim's mother couldn't help noticing how sexy his room mate, Zara was. His mother pulled him aside after dinner and asked if anything was going on between them, to which Jim replied "No, Ma, were just roomies".
About a week later, Zara came downstairs and asked if Jim knew where the potato masher was because it had been gone for about a week, ever since his mother had stayed for dinner. Jim offered to write a letter to his mother to see if she had it. It said "Dear Mother, I am not saying you *HAVE* taken a potato masher, but one has been missing ever since you came to stay last week. Love, Jim".
A few days later, he got a response, it said "Dear son, i'm not saying you *HAVE* been sleeping with your so called roomie, but if you weren't, you would have found the potato masher by now..."
posted on April 18, 2001 02:55:40 PM new
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
"Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish, you're having me on," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches
up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
posted on April 18, 2001 06:12:42 PM new
Subject: RABBI'S ADVICE
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the
business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says: "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read
the first word your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of
money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.
posted on April 18, 2001 06:20:18 PM newShosh you are a cutie...I love that and the other about the dog and cat. Thanks for joining our PHUN!!
Muriel as usual you are on the "Ball" what a good kid to drop by.
posted on April 18, 2001 06:23:14 PM new
There was this really dumb guy that joined the army years ago. During boot camp, as the sarge passed out rifles to the guys, he ran out of them so gave the dumb guy a broom and said "practise with this". So the dumb guy goes through the motions and pokes the broom out and says "bangity bang". Still with no real rifle, the men move up to bayonets. Running out of bayonets, the sarge pulls a piece of straw out of the end of the broom where its sticking out further than the rest of the straw and says "here, practise with that". So the guy practises and goes through the motions and cries "BANGITY BANG! STICKITY STICK!"
Finally, they go through bootcamp and are called to war. The dumb guy still has his broom and straw poking out the end. Landing on the shore after months at sea, he wonders if his broom will save him from the enemy he is going to meet. Jumping off the boat, he charges up the hill towards the enemy running to meet him and his team, screaming all the way "BANGITY BANG...STICKITY STICK!" and to his surprise, they are falling down dead! One big burly guy is coming straight at him and he screams "BANGITY BANG!!!"...the man keeps coming...."STICKITY STICK!!!"...man is still charging him!..."BANGITY STICKITY BANGITY BANG!" and as the last BANG comes out of his lips, the enemy man runs right over him! Pulling himself up from being run over by this huge burly beefy enemy, the dumb guy looks over his shoulder to see what the hell happened and the enemy guy is turning around slowly, saying "TANKITY TANK...TANKITY TANK"
posted on April 18, 2001 08:37:37 PM new
New Virus Warnings!
This is dead serious, so don't ignore it. Several
new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking
havoc throughout the
national system. .
Beware of...
THE ALGORE Virus....
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and
counting)
THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka:VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
Emails
everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly
expands to
restabilize
around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
...and my personal favorite...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then
discards it through Windows)
posted on April 18, 2001 10:05:49 PM new
A man brought his very limp dog into a veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope,
and placed the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work,
checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and barked.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained.
"If you had taken my word for it, would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."
posted on April 19, 2001 05:32:30 AM new
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any toilet paper on your side?"
posted on April 19, 2001 06:53:22 AM new
One day, an American was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senior! Sometimes the bull he wins!"
posted on April 19, 2001 07:10:13 AM newThis hot off the email this AM
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red
shirt!' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the
pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!' And once
again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled
both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain
and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the
battle?' The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain
can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does
not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight
unafraid.'
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As
dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The
men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my
brown pants!!!'
posted on April 20, 2001 12:10:50 PM new
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the
drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. However,
one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's wife sitting by the
fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town
again."
