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 MuRiEl
  		posted on April 27, 2001 02:41:03 PM new


Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK ... they know me here.

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?"

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

Travel is very educational. I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different
languages.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

I just got back from a pleasure trip... I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ... then we met.



 
 zilvy
  		posted on April 27, 2001 02:55:00 PM new
Some of this fun stuff sounds like Rodney Dangerfield.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.

With fronds like yew, who needs anemones?Gardners' lament... nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!





[ edited by zilvy on Apr 27, 2001 02:56 PM ]
 
 VeryModern
  		posted on April 27, 2001 03:12:17 PM new
I saw Rodney Dangerfield's show in Vegas and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Masterful, tears were rolling down my face.
I was reeeeeeally high and so wonder if he is really that funny or if it was me.
Does anybody know?

VeryModern Space Junk
 
 RainyBear
  		posted on April 27, 2001 03:42:28 PM new
VM, I think it was just you. I had a similar experience with a comic who opened for George Carlin. I was laughing so much harder than anyone else in the audience....

 
 VeryModern
  		posted on April 27, 2001 03:53:42 PM new
Could have been Rainy Bear. I was with 3 other people high as I was and all of us were on the floor.

I saw Carlin too and thought him dismal. Never laughed once. Same drugs.


VeryModern Space Junk
 
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