posted on May 7, 2001 09:08:52 PM new
This was in my email box tonight... the scary thing is that I think they're actually serious.
Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!!! 1st 22
BE ORDAINED NOW!
As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!!
WEDDINGS
MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!!
Don't settle for being the BEST MAN OR BRIDES' MAID
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with the state prior to conducting the ceremony.
FUNERALS
A very hard time for you and your family
Don't settle for a minister you don't know!!
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with the state prior to conducting the ceremony.
BAPTISMS
You can say "WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!"
What a special way to welcome a child of God.
FORGIVENESS OF SINS
The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries
**Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to change for the better!!
VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES
Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need!!
Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock
WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH??
After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!!
At this point you must be wondering how much the Certificate costs. Right? Well, let's talk about how much the program is worth. Considering the value of becoming a CERTIFIED MINISTER I'd say the program is easily worth $100. Wouldn't you agree? However, it won't cost that much. Not even close! My goal is to make this life changing program affordable so average folks can benefit from the power of it.
Since I know how much you want to help others, you're going to receive your Minister Certification for under $100.00... Not even $50.00... You are going to receive the entire life-changing course for only $29.95.
For only $29.95 you will receive:
1. 8-inch by 10-inch certificate IN COLOR, WITH GOLD SEAL.
(CERTIFICATE IS PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS)
2. Proof of Minister Certification in YOUR NAME!!
3. SHIPPING IS FREE!!!
LIMITED TIME OFFER: ORDER TODAY!
SEND Only $29.95 US
(CREDIT CARD, CASH, CHECK, OR MONEY ORDER)
SHIPPING IS FREE!!! For Shipping OUTSIDE the US please add $11.00.
To place your order merely fill out the following form and fax to (edited)
posted on May 7, 2001 09:20:10 PM new
[quote]FORGIVENESS OF SINS
The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries
**Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to change for the better!![/quote]
That alone should be worth the price. :lol Just think, you could charge on a sliding scale for the Sins commited on this board.
How about $1.00 for a sin requiring a nudge. $3.00 for an informal warning and $5.00 for a formal. You could really hit the jackpot when someone gets suspended for 30 days by charging $20.00 for forgivness.
posted on May 7, 2001 09:42:54 PM new
A million years ago I was in a high tax bracket. One of the fellows I worked with became a bishop in "The Church of What's Happening Now". The scheme was that every year the church had a seminar at some great location, Virgin Islands, Trinidad, Fiji, etc. So once a year he had this great vacation he could write off his taxes as a church related event. After his first audit he turned in his robe.
posted on May 7, 2001 09:58:50 PM new
This line is from their confessional... priceless. LOL
Write about your sins here. If you don't want to write about your sins,you may enter an "X" to signify that you have thought about your sins and wish to turn from them and seek forgiveness:
posted on May 7, 2001 10:09:32 PM new
Yes, Mybiddness, I knew those things. Pretty silly but all legal. I really can perform weddings and all the rest if I want to. It is all what you do with it.
I did not go to confession. I was very bad. Maybe I should go now. I can use the X, it would be enough. After all I DO think about my "sins" occasionaly. Of course I generally think only good things about them! LOL
posted on May 8, 2001 06:43:54 AM new
Femme,
Can I nominate a few for cremation.
Robin,
Not long ago, we were considering how to make big money from Bush's new theocracy. He still hasn't delivered on the social welfare front though. Hope he comes through soon; I hate to think that I wasted all that investment on certification from the University of Esoteria.
posted on May 8, 2001 06:38:33 PM new
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the Priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."
posted on May 8, 2001 08:08:10 PM new
Barry[yes you outdate me]Barris. They send your ordination certificate in email now and you have to print it out. Or you can order a pretty one like you got. It'll cost ya though!
My husband outdates you-he's been a minister in the UL church since the late 60's.:P
ANTIQUARY! Long time ! Where've you been? [or was it me that was gone?????]
I have been trying to find some use for this and Bush has not come through for me yet. If the economy keeps up the way its been going around here I may have to resort to doing weddings for pocket change.
On topic: I'll charge only $29.95 if you act soon!!
