kraftdinner
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posted on April 29, 2001 10:25:45 PM new
Can someone tell me.......when someone borrows something from you, and you ask for it back 6 months later, why do they usually get mad and end up not talking to you?
I've had this happen twice, and can't understand the psychology behind it. Any ideas?
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zilvy
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posted on April 29, 2001 10:35:49 PM new
Guilt
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jamesoblivion
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posted on April 29, 2001 10:38:37 PM new
There is an old joke about the neighbor that owes you $20 and runs away every time he sees you. Best $20 you ever spent.
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MuRiEl
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:02:12 PM new
James: Ain't it the truth? 
Whenever I see the neighbors outside, I always tell my husband "Don't make eye contact!". If we do, we're sucked into a 20 minute conversation about lawn care, and leaf pick-up. Last night my husband DID make eye contact, and he got roped into spending $20 (no joke!) to share a lawn plug machine with the neighbor. Do you know what that is? It's loud and stupid. 
[ edited by MuRiEl on Apr 30, 2001 03:02 PM ]
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zilvy
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:10:25 PM new
Muriel, that is no way to speak of your hubby!! Shame! 
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MuRiEl
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:36:32 PM new
ZIL! My hubby isn't loud and stupid! The lawn plugging machine is!! Don't get me in any more trouble than I already get myself into! And don't make eye contact!!
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zilvy
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:38:50 PM new
Sorry I couldn't hear you I was looking at my shoes!! Damn those lawn plugging machines anyhooo!! Now if you hubby
is using it does it mean that he is "borrowing" it from the neighbor?? If so this could get messy!!
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kraftdinner
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:43:23 PM new
zilvy and james.......I think you're right. Now it makes sense that it makes no sense.
So Muriel, are you saying that when I asked for my items back, I should've avoided eye contact? Thanks for the tip. I'll try that next time I lend something to someone.
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zilvy
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posted on April 30, 2001 03:44:58 PM new
Kraftdinner seriously I have always hated loaning anything out because there does seem to be hostility when you ask for it back after waiting a long time.
I did find on the very last occassion that I needed something back from a person I called
them up and asked if I could "borrow back"
my lasagna pan...they laughed sheepishly and said of course...sorry. She then made a point to tell me she finally broke down and bought one for herself, several weeks later, we both laughed when I said oh good, if I have a really big party can I borrow your pan?
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MuRiEl
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posted on April 30, 2001 05:27:33 PM new
Kraft: Sorry that we all made light of your situation. You know how we get.
I wouldn't feel badly at all. If they're going to be like that, then they aren't friends, are they?
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kraftdinner
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posted on April 30, 2001 07:18:16 PM new
Muriel - no apology necessary!
I think you're quite right. So is the person just pretending to be your friend until they can borrow something...???
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KatyD
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posted on April 30, 2001 07:43:37 PM new
The neighbors on my street "borrow" my husband regularly. I make sure they return him the same day. But our next door neighbor is a "borrower" (I think I've posted about him before). He "borrows" everything from chewing gum to postage stamps. Of course I don't ask him to return the chewing gum, heh heh. His latest thing is our wheelbarrow. He comes almost everyday, rings the doorbell, and asks to borrow it. He always returns it the same day though. This has been going on for about a month. I thought wheelbarrows must be high ticket items and one day I was at the home depot and was amazed to see they're only about 30 bucks! I have no idea why he doesn't go down and just buy one. He's got more money then we do!
KatyD
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Bunnicula
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posted on April 30, 2001 09:50:01 PM new
I know a woman who has a quirk: if you loan something to her & she has it long enough, she somehow convinces herself that you *gave* it to her! And she really believes it. I have known her for over 20 years & have never found a more honest or truthful person. This is her one quirk...
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yeager
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posted on May 1, 2001 02:20:14 AM new
I listen to my favorite radio psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne on a regular basis. In reference to communication, she says it's progressive in this manner.
The first step is eye contact. The second is saying hello or something similar. The third is a handshake. The fourth is commom in cases where the persons are better aquainted, and that is personal touching and carassing. And the final stage in communication is an act of sexual intercourse.
So, if your neighbors don't bathe on a regular basis or are not attractive, then don't make eye contact with them and keep the wheel barrow in the garage locked behind closed doors. Don't go in half with them for the lawn plugger either. It may not be worth it.
According to an article printed many years ago by Ann Landers. Whenever a person has to borrow something twice in a 6 month period, then they need to buy this item. Makes sense to me. I beleive it was also Ann that said that it you are thinking about throwing something out, do so if you haven't used it in the last 6 months and aren't likely to use it in the next 6 months. A word of warning! Your item that you just threw out may appear on ebay the next day.
Kraftdinner,
Back to your original question. I think it may also be avoidance due to embarrassment. I think most people are taught as child to repay or return when they borrow something. After a long period of time, they have failed the respsoniblity of this obligation and may not be mad, but embarrassed about the situation. Nobody really likes to talk to people they feel embarrassed with. So they avoid this person giving the appearance of being angry.
Three days ago, I saw a woman in a local store. She's owed me $85.00 from 1984. When she walked in the store, I made eye contact with her and she looked away very quickly. Get my point?
[ edited by yeager on May 1, 2001 02:22 AM ]
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femme
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posted on May 1, 2001 07:25:20 AM new
"Neither a borrower, nor lender be."
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HJW
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posted on May 1, 2001 07:48:19 AM new
KatyD,
What a wonderful thought...loaning out your
husband. But they bring him back???
That's the only part of the deal that would
distress me.
Helen
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HJw
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:38:21 AM new
HJW
It appears that you are moving beyond
Psyc 101 into Abnomal Psyc 201!
Stay focused on the topic of loaning and
retrieving without causing animosity!
You appear to be focused on ridding your
environment of unwanted family members in the
guise of a long term loan.
This is abnormal!!!
Thanks JLpiece...
[ edited by HJw on May 1, 2001 09:45 AM ]
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sNowYegret
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:44:43 AM new
???
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kraftdinner
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:48:55 AM new
HJw - Yes, Helen can get carried away.....thanks for bringing it to our attention! (Stay with the correct dosage Helen!)
P.S. Did you see my post in the other thread? You said "Well?", and I said "deep subject", then you edited, so it looks like I was being snarky.....thanks alot!!!
[ edited by kraftdinner on May 1, 2001 09:50 AM ]
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HJw
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:50:34 AM new
sNowYegret
Check out JLpiece's new technique...
cool idea!!!
http://www.auctionwatch.com/mesg/read.html?num=28&thread=85779
Helen
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krs
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:51:49 AM new
hooray.
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sNowYegret
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:57:10 AM new
There's one for the DSMIV. 
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HJw
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:58:53 AM new
kraftdinner
That's a long story. James was busy correcting my logic and then along comes
a poster with "logic" WAY beyond belief. So
I just wrote "well?" anticipating his
correction. He missed it for awhile and
I decided to remove my well and change it to
nevermind.
Medication had nothing to do with it.
Now, I'm just beginning to understand why you
were telling me that the subject was deep...
That was a good one!!!
Some days are like that.
Helen
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kraftdinner
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posted on May 1, 2001 09:59:11 AM new
snowy - is that a folder?
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HJw
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posted on May 1, 2001 10:25:47 AM new
Kraftdinner
DSMIV
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental disorders, fourth ed.
Could be useful
Better than a folder actually
Helen
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kraftdinner
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posted on May 1, 2001 10:28:21 AM new
Thanks for your understanding Helen
Well, I'm off to the dentist's (in reality, a breeze, in my head - Marathon Man.)
BFN!
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